Post # 1
This is kind of a spinoff from another thread but something I was just curious about…
For those of you that want kids, what would you do if for some reason or another you and your partner couldn’t have children? Not because you didn’t want to but because of medical reasons or something. Would you try to adopt? What if that didn’t work out either? Would you be okay with it just being the two of you for the rest of your lives?
I’m asking this because it was something that always concerned me. My Fiance and I want kids very badly, but who knows what will actually happen. Maybe it won’t be possible for us. So we did have the discussion a little while ago about “what if.” If it turned out that I couldn’t have children, would Fiance be alright with that? Would he be open to try to adopt? His answer to all these questions was thankfully yes. He definitely wants kids and he’s willing to try anything to have a family with me, but if it turns out that that’s impossible he said he’s happy with it just being me and him, together forever. That made me feel very good (and I feel the same way). Honestly, it made me feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
So, just wondering about everyone else…?
Post # 2
Darling Husband wants kids, but he’d be okay if we didn’t have kids and it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him. I would be devestated if we couldn’t have children, but I wouldn’t leave Darling Husband over it. I love him way too much to leave him. I would eventually get over it. Probably adopt more cats.
Post # 3
We’re on the fence about children but have previously assumed we wouldn’t have any. We’re both very happy with the thought of it being just us. In our opinion children should be a bonus addition to your family, they shouldn’t be what makes it complete.
Post # 4
Darling Husband and I actually had that conversation before we were married because I know I have had POCS (condition that could make it hard for me to get pregnant) for years. If it doesn’t work, we will try some basic treatments, and then try adoption. Both my brother and I are adopted, and my aunt works in foster care, so we know great people to talk to about it.
Honestly, though, I want kids, but if we end up child free NOT by choice, I think I could live with it too. I would be sad, but there are other ways to live a full life.
Post # 5
I would have to be. What’s the alternative? Kill myself and stop living? We deal with life as it comes. We’re on cycle 4 of ivf now. If that doesn’t work, we try donor eggs. If that doesn’t work, then we readjust to the vision of our future with just the two of us since neither of us is up for adoption.
Post # 6
I’m pregnant at the moment but we both agreed that if it didn’t happen it didn’t happen. IVF and adoption weren’t on the table. We wanted kids (clearly) but we both felt we could have been perfectly happy with just the two of us.
Post # 7
I think so. If it was due to a medical reason, I would definitely consider adopting/fostering a child. I have worked within that realm and know that there are plenty of children that are in need of a good home/caring parents. Wouldnt do IVF due to the cost and uncertainty. If kids were completely off the table, then I think we would be okay. Would probably get another cat/dog.
Post # 8
Darling Husband and I want children and we would have walked to the ends of the earth to make that happen. Thankfully we were successful on our 2nd IVF try after 2 years and many prior failures. And due with our first in April.
If treatment wasn’t working, I would have decided at some point to stop and move to donor eggs or sperm depending on our problem or adoption.
Post # 9
This was something that was VERY important to me to talk over before we got married. I was just not interested in adoption at all, so if that had been a dealbreaker for my Darling Husband, I wanted him to know in advance. We also discussed that we were open to pretty much any ART that we could afford if necessary–but if that didn’t work, we would be okay (if disappointed) with life as a family of two.
It was a real relief to have that all discussed in advance when we had some fertility challenges last year!
Post # 10
It took us about a year and a half to get pregnant with a loss along the way. So we’d had that discussion. We were both willing to adopt if it wasn’t in the cards for us. If adoption didn’t “work out” then we wouldn’t really have a choice except to make it work without kids. I don’t really know what the alternative is. Get divorced and be miserable with no kids and no husband that I love?
Post # 11
I wonder this often actually. On paper, we should of been pregnant at least 5 times in the last year due to us being naughty as I’m not on birth control. I come from a family history of fertility issues, and have had my own troubles. It’s taken me A LOT to be okay if we cannot have kids, pretty much the last two months its been on mind. I’d come to terms with it though. Even though its cheesy, I believe if its supposed to happen it will. If it doesn’t, i’ll be okay with life. I don’t think I would be emotionally strong enough for a crazy amount of testing if it doesn’t happen for us. I’m a strong girl, but it would make me crumble. Adoption is always something in the back of my mind. My Darling Husband doesn’t have a strong feeling to do so, but we would cross that bridge if we got there.
Darling Husband and I were just planning out some trips and I realized that there was no way I could do this with kids. Nor do I want to get pregnant before we take all this fun time. I’m the only one in our friend group without a child, and I do get flack for it. Not right up in my face, but I get excluded out of a lot of things. I guess that happens though, and I make the best of it.
Post # 12
My husband and I plan to roughly start ttc come 2017. If for anything that we are unable to conceive naturally ( I don’t agree with IVF and would never do it) I would accept my fate, yet I would give myself time to essentially “mourn” the fact I wouldn’t be a mother. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
Im sure we would look into adoption though, absolutely.
Post # 13
This is actually one of the reasons I love my husband! He is fine no matter what we do. If we have children that’s fine and we are trying but if it doesn’t happen then he will adopt, if we don’t want to do that or it doesn’t work out he is fine just having dogs. It’s always made me so happy that he doesn’t mind because I feel like it takes the pressure off. I dated men who thought having children was the be all and end all of being with someone and I thought this relationship would never last if I couldn’t have kids.
Post # 14
Well, we’ve been TTC for 2 years now, with unexplained infertility. It has been very hard for me particularly (as opposed to DH) because I have always wanted/envisioned myself having a child, and it’s my body that is taking the brunt of the treatments we’ve had thus far. To be honest, there have been times where the idea of never having a child makes me worry that I’ll feel like I’ll never *truly* be happy in life.
During a medicated cycle (hormones flying everywhere!) I actually suggested to Darling Husband that he divorce me so he’d still have time to find someone else who could give him a child. Even though we haven’t found anything medically “wrong” with me, I still struggle with blaming our infertility on myself. At that time, the guilt I felt of not being able to give him a child overwhelmed me, even though he has never done anything to make me feel that way. His response to my crazy talk was “I’d rather have you and no kids, than be with someone else and have kids.”
We have discussed how far we are actually willing to go in treatments, and we’ve discussed adoption. We are both on the fence with the idea of adoption, but it will definitely be something that will warrant a more detailed discussion if the time comes for us to decide.
I think when it’s all said and done and we end up just being the two of us & child free, I would be okay, but I think that (for me) the pain of not having a child will be something I’d carry with me throughout my whole life. I don’t think it’s something I’d ever truly be able to “let go” of.
Post # 15
pinkshoes: The alternative would be…if it was your SO with the medical reason for not having kids, to divorce and find someone else. Also, what if your SO didn’t want to do adoption? Just curious as to what other people think.