(Closed) Would you be upset if SO didn't ask permission?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Does your SO need to ask for your hand?

    YES, he better ask my parents!

    NO, I'm not close to my parents

    NO, it's not important to me

    Don't care either way

  • Post # 62
    1098 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I told him in no uncertian terms that he was not to ask anyone for “permission” to marry me. I wasn’t even down with him getting blessing or anything, I find the whole tradition incredibly offensive. 

    Post # 63
    1349 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2019

    I don’t really care if my SO asks, but it’s important to HIM if he asks, so he can do it if he want to. But I guarantee he’s going to get a response like,”What the hell are you asking me for? Even if I say no you think she’s going to listen to me?”

    Post # 64
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    Before asking me? Hell no, that’s backwards.

    After asking me? Hell yes, right away.

    I would want to do the exact same thing my parents did. They got engaged and then together they called both sets of parents to ask for their blessing.

    Post # 65
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    My Fiance is very traditional, so if I would have told him he couldn’t ask for my fathers permission he probably wouldn’t have asked me to marry him. I think the whole thing is very sweet, and I love knowing he had enough respect for my father to ask his blessing For our marriage. I’m a daddy’s girl though, it all comes down to what you feel comfortable with.

    Post # 66
    292 posts
    Helper bee

    Permission – big fat nope! 

    Blessing – yes please, I think it would mean a lot to my parents, and it would mean a lot to me to know what they support us. 

    My feminist views are well known to my dad, so I think he’d laugh if my SO asked for ‘permission’! 

    On the other hand, he totally has to ask my daughter’s permission (she has already let it be know that she wishes we’d just hurry the hell up!).

    Post # 67
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I am super close with my parents and after 8 years together, he figured he had their approval. 🙂 My parents laughed at the thought of him asking!

    Post # 68
    2055 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    @letigre:  +1 I am pro-blessing, anti-permission.

    Post # 69
    139 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I wish my Fiance had not asked permission. 

    Basically my mom asked me about a year ago if my Fiance proposed, would he ask my dad permission. I told her no, probably not. She acted upset and made it seem as if it were something that was important to my dad, so when my Fiance and I went ring shoppng I told him that he needed to call my dad before he proposed and ask him for my hand. He did. My dad assumed that we were already engaged and he was asking after the fact and started telling people we were engaged, which we weren’t. 

    Explaining this to him was an awkward conversation, as well as the family my dad had been going around telling we were engaged. He told me he never expected Fiance to ask beforehand and it wouldn’t have upset him if he didn’t. Oh well lol! 

    Post # 70
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’m not close to my parents, so it really wouldn’t have made a difference to me.  I guess if I had parents that actually cared and were there to raise me, it’d be different.  Fortunately, my husband knew I wasn’t close to them so he didn’t bother.

    Post # 71
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    I think asking for permission is a little silly, but asking for the parents’ blessing is kind of sweet. I would say that it’s unnecessary but my stepdad was extremely furious with my boyfriend for not asking permission to date me in the first place (not that any other bf had) and I imagine he would be offended if my boyfriend did not ask for at least a blessing before proposing.

    Post # 72
    2854 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Originally, SO had said he wasn’t going to ask my mom, and it didn’t really matter to me. But now that we’re actually in buying-the-ring-almost-engaged-for-real mode, he’s suddenly decided that he wants to ask her. I was very surprised, and I think it’s really sweet. We’re seeing her this weekend, so I’m interested to see what happens!

    Post # 73
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    WelI, I wouldn’t be *upset* exactly. More confused. He knows how important it is to my family, and I know he plans Tall talking to my dad, so if he didn’t I would be pretty confused. 

    Post # 74
    1648 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2000

    I don’t think it’s more about permission, but more of a gesture to let your father know he wants to marry his daughter and take care of her the rest of his life.  My Fiance asked both my parents for permission (not that they’d ever say no), told him how much he loved me and wants to marry me.  I found that to be the most touching part of his proposal! Made me cry Cry

    Post # 75
    1733 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Can’t lie — I’m happy to see so many people like me in this thread. If my husband had asked my father for permission, it would have backfired. My dad would have been concerned that I might be marrying a man who thought that the agreement was between the two of THEM, not my husband and myself.

    My husband and I were at a social event recently with a newly-engaged colleague of his (female) to whom this was really important to her and she was so happy that her fiance had done this. We both made socially appropriate noises of polite non-committal approval and nudged each other under the table.

    Post # 76
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    My finace didn’t “ask permission”, but he DID have a discussion with my Dad beforehand.  It was basically a statement of intent.  My fiance was born and raised in Texas, my Dad is old school Irish and my Mom is Japanese.  It’s a respect thing.  Basically, it came down to the idea of “she’s your daughter, she loves and cares about you.  You’re very important to the both of us, and I wanted to let you know what my intentions are”.  My Dad was thrilled to hear it (and was grinning and nudging at my fiance all night), my Mom approved, because I was finally marrying a man who was properly respectful to his future family.  My ex husband never talked to them about marrying me.  They never let it go.


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