Post # 92
@woodchuck: Actually I would be kind of upset if he did ask. The proposal is about him asking me, and the marriage is a decision between the two of us. My parents and his parents are not involved in the conversation. Asking their permission or blessing, or making them aware of his intentions makes it seem like they have something to do with the decision. This would really bug me.
Post # 93
Thanks to everyone for their input. While I know I am not ‘cattle’ or ‘property’ and can certainly make my own decisions, I see talking to the parents before proposing as a sign of respect and intent. I would be fine if he did this, but also want our engagement to be about us as a couple. I think it’s funny that a PP mentioned not living in the 50s anymore, but that’s exactly when my parents grew up. I think it’s kind of like a graduation, you walk at the ceremony for your parents and you go to the after party for yourself. I feel so much better about approaching them after the engagement as a couple asking for their blessing. This has been so interesting to read. Thanks so much to everyone that commented!
Post # 94
I’m so happy to have stumbled upon this thread, I’ve been thinking about this lately. I used to think that I’d like my SO to tell my dad he planned to propose (not really asking permission… just having a nice conversation about it to give him a heads up) out of respect for my dad. But recently I thought about getting engaged and how nervous I’d be about my dad’s reaction, so now I want him to tell my dad ahead of time so I don’t have to be the one to break the news!
I realize this sounds like I expect my dad to not approve. Not the case. He just has “inappropriate” reactions to things. I think if he had a clue it was coming, he’d have some more time to give a socially appropriate response. For instance, he’s always tried to convince me to live with boyfriends because it would be cheaper; it never occurred to him that was a step in the relationship I might not want to take. When my current SO and I bought a house together, he never acknowledged it as a step in the relationship, it was just a financial decision that made sense. When my SO first mentioned to him that we’d be getting married someday, my dad was shocked. Not upset, not happy, just genuinely shocked; it had never occurred to him before that we might get married. And honestly the look of disbelief was kind of hurtful, like he never thought anyone might want to marry me. So I feel like a warning that it was coming might lead to less stress for all involved… Hence “asking permission/ for a blessing.” Is that weird?
Post # 95
no not at all. I feel like everyone knows what is best for their individual family. Just becuase some people would be totally offended to even consider letting their boyfriend ask, some people know that it’s important to their family regardless of how they feel.
Post # 96
I’d be majorly offended if my father was asked. I would be very angry due to his involvement in raising me. If he’d like to make his intentions known, that’s fine. But asking? Big no. He could ask my mom I guess, but it would still feel odd.
Post # 97
I’d like for my SO to ask for a blessing, and kind of talk to my parents before proposing. The way I see it, when done that way it’s just being respectful and showing they’re still important. Most fathers I know of would be a little irritated that some guy “swept in” and married his daughter without him having some “say” in the matter. It’s not that they want to dictate, they just want a heads up and to be able to talk to the guy to ease their mind. A lot of families (mine, for example) are really tight-knit, so it’s hard for the parents to let their “baby” go; talking it through with them would help that.
Post # 98
@woodchuck: You need a poll option for “He’d better not ask my parents, that would creep me out.”
Post # 99
would really want SO to ask my parent’s permission with his parents also present 🙂 he knows that & totally agrees! for me it’s about permission and the blessing and is a major sign of tradition and respect
Post # 100
No way that would be super weird, it’s my own decision not anyone else’s and our parents won’t be paying for the wedding at all since we’ve been living independently for so long…. yeah just plain weird and awarkward
Post # 101
I think my dad would be offended if he wasn’t asked but I’m not bothered. I am not yet sure if SO would want to ask or not; my dad is rather direct and comes off a little intimidating.
Post # 102
I’ve always disliked this tradition just because I don’t feel that my father or mother need to grant my SO “permission” in any way. I know that’s just me though and a lot of women like the tradition or feel close to their parents. My relationship with my mother is not great, so I’m largely affected by that (in all aspects of my life). I do not want to be walked down the aisle and I want my parents to have little (to no) involvement in my engagement and wedding other than attending.
Post # 103
I can’t see how to add it to the poll. There doesn’t seem to be an edit option, unless I’m just missing it.
Post # 104
I’d like him to “ask” *my parents* (not just dad) for their blessing – but more in the context of a respectful gesture and spending quality time with them. For me it feels like it should really just be that – a respectful acknowledgement of your future FI’s family. (And kind of becoming a part of that family)
On my end, I’m ending up conveying the same message to his family just a little bit differently by making a point to include them in my life- And they have been welcoming and vocal about their approval of me in return.
To us this is especially important because we are very close to our families.