(Closed) Would you broach the subject, or leave it?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would think she would know she wouldnt be invited. I wouldn’t bring it up unless she asks and then if she does, be honest.

Post # 4
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I guess I don’t understand why you would go visit her if you don’t intend to invite her.  I don’t think I’d invite her either, but I’d probably have cut her out of my life completely when your dad passed away.

Post # 5
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@kmarie719:  You are doing a lot more than a lot of people would. You are maintaining a relationship with Ann, who is at least partly responsible for your family breaking up. Checking in on her and keeping in touch is more than you’d ever be expected to do.

I totally agree that your loyalty should be with your mom. If she asks, just be honest (I firmly believe in honesty and am quite to the point). Just explain it is a small, intimate wedding and you want the focus to be on your union, not any past family drama or pain points.

I don’t feel she should expect an invitation, and if you did invite her I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom was pissed. I’m so sorry about your dad, but since he won’t be there, she doesn’t need to either. It’s not like she became a mother figure to you.

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your day – you can’t please everyone, so if I were you, I’d rather please my mom than Ann.

Post # 6
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@oneofthesethings:  +1. I would have already cut her off too. I think the OP is doing more than most people would!

Post # 8
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@kmarie719:  You are not wrong for not inviting her, especially if it is an intimate affair. Protecting your Mom is your priority and rightfully so. I would just straight out tell Ann this (politely and sensitively, of course) if she asks and then not even mention it at all if she doesn’t ask. I am sure she will not be surprised to know she is not invited under the circumstances.

But I have to ask why you are visiting her at all when you say you have never been close with her? I think if it were me in this situation, now with my father having passed away, I would let that particular relationship slowly fade away altogether.

Post # 10
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

@oneofthesethings:  Agree.  I don’t think I would have any sort of relationship with the woman, and definitely not after he passed away.  I’m sorry about your dad’s passing.  I wouldn’t bring it up; if she says something, be honest with her.  I think she would know and not expect to be invited, given the circumstances surrounding their relationship.

ETA: Just read your response.  I understand now why you still maintain contact with her.  🙂 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@kmarie719:  Frankly, I’m puzzled why you would feel the need to be civil too, let alone maintain a relationship with the homewrecking whore your father cheated with.  I wouldn’t. 

If fact, if I were in your shoes she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding even if my father were still alive.  Why should the ex-wife, who did absolutely nothing wrong, have to suck it up?  Let the people who created the mess deal with the fall out.

If you don’t act like a decent, respectable human being, you have no right to expect to be treated like one. 

Post # 14
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think while it would not be appropriate to invite her, it might be nice to send her a post-wedding announcement.  I wouldn’t consider you rude if you didn’t by any means, but it’s an option to consider.

Post # 15
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

kmarie, I personally think you are being a very wonderful person by seeking her out and still seeing her. I don’t think you should invite her to the wedding, but I also wouldn’t leave her in suspense and wondering. It’s an awkward conversation but I would explain things to her. She can’t imagine that you would put her before your mother’s peace of mind. I’d be prepared that there is a chance you might still receive a wedding gift from her, especially if honoring your father’s memory is as important to her as it is to you. If that is the case then I would consider inviting her over for dinner after your honeymoon. It’s wonderful that you love your father enough to keep in contact with her. You can’t forgive what the relationship did to your family, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve some consolation over your father’s passing.

 

For Zhabeego, calling her a “homewrecking whore”… It takes two people to have an affair, and you never know the circumstances behind it. If you want to have that viewpoint of Ann then you would need to have the same viewpoint of kmarie’s father. Just because society has this sterotypical thought process that affairs are only ever started by horrible slutty women who are praying on happy married men doesn’t mean it went down that way.

Post # 16
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@kmarie719:  I can understand that.  But since he’s gone now, why bother?

I’d drop her like yesterday’s news. 

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