(Closed) would you care about this?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8487 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

No, it really wouldnt bother me. Its really judgmental to assume that because he payed for oral sex that he’s scum. Especially since he wasnt in a relationship with anyone at the time, let alone with you. You loved him before you found that out, right? I dont know why you would let something that happened before you were in the picture get in the way of that.


Not trying to sound harsh, just giving my opinion.

Post # 4
2893 posts
Sugar bee

That’s more than a tough situation to be in. My guy had exchanged some sexually charged emails early in our relationship and even though he cheated we stuck it out, got counseling, and are doing wonderfully. The only reason I went this route was because I found out about the incident late in the relationship. 

Now, had there been physical contact – we would no longer be together. Especially if he was slowly leaking the truth to me like your Fiance is. What are you supposed to do? Wait another 2 months and find out that he actually had sex with her? For me, once that line is crossed the relationship is over.

My question is: were you guys together when this incident occured? Or did it happen in his past and he admitted it to you?

Post # 5
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Were you together at this time?

Post # 6
2893 posts
Sugar bee

Only asking cause I’m not sure I understand if you’re saying he cheated or if you’re just discussing your past. If it’s just the past I wouldn’t really care.

Post # 8
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would say if it wasn’t when you were together then you need to move past it. I don’t think the one incident defines him, and I don’t think that one has to tell everything about their past if it was prior to the relationship, but he did tell you, slowly….he is obviously holding some kind of guilt or shame with it but felt like it needed to be shared with you. I think a scummy guy would never even tell you he went to that place to begin with, ever. I think you get over this in time. 

Post # 9
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

OP said “Now, this all happened a long time before me, but I cannot help but feel a little dirty now” so it was before her.

My bf in college paid for sex once and a happy ending once and I didnt care at all. If my current SO ever did that sort of thing I would end it. I may get blasted for this, but it would disgust me and I would respect him less. Im not saying I should feel that way, but I have no clue how to get over this sort of thing… hopefully someone else will have some good advice for you. {{hug}}

Post # 10
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It would skeeve me out to think about, but I don’t like thinking about my SO having sex with anyone else, period. I don’t think this should affect your relationship now though. I would just ask him not to tell you anything else about this incident. It happened, you can’t change it, but you don’t need to hear about it.

Post # 11
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to be quite honest.  It happened long before you, and I agree with Allyfally that to pass that kind of judgement on people who pay for sex is extremely judgemental.  I assume she was an adult and was freely choosing how she made her money.  With those assumptions in mind, I wouldn’t think twice about it.  I do think it’s a little odd for him to share that with you at this point and in that manner, but my guess is that he felt like you would judge him and divulged the details in that manner to make it seem not as bad, then felt guilty about not totally being forthright and fessed up.  Again, not a big deal to me, but you are the only person who can decide whether or not it is a big deal for you.  Remember that.

Post # 12
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

we were not together at that time. We did not get together until about 3-4 years after this incident

it was before you – i would let it go. it was before your time and for some of us sex can be a physical release with no emotional involvement.  let his actions as a partner to you be your guide, if hes a good man then dont let this one event make you feel less of him – it must have been hard for him to be honest with you so dont beat him up with the truth now that he has trusted you with it.  goodluck

Post # 13
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would have a hard time with it.  But it happened a long time ago and before he met you, so I would let it go.  Provided that your sex life and relationship are otherwise (and consistently) ok… I read your other post and the habit of rejecting you to watch porn instead, combined with the prostitution… I dunno… it doesn’t sit right with me abnd might suggest some issues.  But only you would know that.  I guess just as long as your relationship is otherwise good and there are no intimacy issues, you should probably try to let it go.

Post # 14
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Of course it troubles you. I think I would have a difficult time processing it. But my brother, and friends, in the military have told me a little bit about what they’ve seen men experiment with while on R&R in other countries, and tried to explain that the permissive atmosphere added to the intense personal stress of being stationed far from home (espectially when deployed) cause even the best people do veer into behavior that is not typical of them. And that may be what is making this tricky to get past: would he do this again? My guess would be No. He wouldn’t. He clearly loves you and cares about not hurting you. And what I understand from the stories I’ve heard is that it really is a-typical behavior – not at all indicative of the person as they really are.

Hope that helps. Good thoughts to you as you deal with this.

Post # 15
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Personally, I would be absolutely disgusted even though it was before your relationship. But going back and reading about the emotional abuse even more makes me wonder about this guy… has that gotten better?

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