Post # 1
NOT your wedding date…
My cousin got engaged about 6 weeks ago. She did not notify anyone in the family, but her mother did. She did not respond to any congratulatory cards that were sent or even reply to messages sent via Facebook and email (she has a history of poor etiquette/rudeness and it has been discussed by the family members who feel slighted by the lack of reply).
She lives about a 4-hour drive from the bulk of the family members, but comes home about once each month. She doesn’t notify anyone beyond her parents & sister that she is coming, but then gets upset if other family members do not have time to see her (she calls day of) or have made other plans. She even came to town on the weekend of another cousin’s baby shower and did not attend (the shower was 3 miles from her parents’ house).
She had a milestone birthday last fall in the city where she lives & was upset that only her sister and one other family member attended, but no one else received the invitation (wouldn’t you have contacted people if you noticed that no one had RSVP’d?) & several people called & texted to ask if she was doing something to celebrate.
So here is the thing: The ladies in our family get together the first Saturday of every month to see a show or a movie and have lunch or dinner, just something to allow us to spend time together and stay in touch. We have done this for 2.5 years faithfully. Even when she is in town, she never attends. I am the person who coordinates the monthly event and sent out the invitation on Friday; 8 of 23 people have already responded that they plan to attend (which she can see).
Today she sent me an email saying that she is hoping to have her engagement party on the same date as the monthly event and wants us all to attend so she would like for me to cancel the event or change the date.
Part of me says, “Sure, no problem!” But the other part knows that
- She is “hoping” to have the party that date, there is no guarantee that she will
- Instead of having the party here where all of her family is, she is having it where she & her college friends live (Her FI’s family doesn’t live there either)
- Because she (nor her mother or sister) doesn’t attend, she doesn’t realize how much the rest of us enjoy our monthly gathering. It has brought the rest of us much closer and helped cultivate family relationships into friendships. The men in the family have seen this & started doing a monthly men’s event. Her father does attend and enjoy that, but that would not be affected.
- Several family members have been complaining of financial woes and I doubt anyone will really drive 4 hours and pay for hotel accommodations to go to her party; it also poses a problem for those with children as they’ll need childcare in an unfamiliar city
I guess I’m leaning toward canceling the event to accommodate her, but then I kind of feel that since really only her mother and sister will go to her engagement party, the rest of us can still enjoy our monthly ritual.
What are your thoughts?
Post # 3
The bitch in me says screw you! (to her of course) she can find another date… sorry you were HOPING to have your engagement party that day… find a different day sister and maybe let some people know ahead of time!
Post # 4
I would diplomatically tell her that ‘no’ can do. Tell her to come down to her parents part of time and hang out. You guys can give her a shower then.
Post # 5
If you send out regular invites to the monthly gathering, say something along the lines of “If you can’t make it to (Cousin’s) engagement party, I’m still up for our monthly get together!”
Post # 6
As much as I would like to join the “screw you” club (haha), I honestly think that her rude behavior shouldn’t become an excuse for the rest of the family to act rudely towards her in response. Kind of take the high road, if you will.
If I were in your shoes, I would do the following:
1) Ask her when she plans to send out invitations/finalize her plans
2) (Immediately) notify the women in the family that IF her shower is that weekend, the monthly get together will happen on the 2nd Saturday instead of the 1st, just this once, so that anyone who wants to go to her shower will be free to do so
3) Change plans if/when she announces her shower for the same day. Otherwise, keep your plans.
Post # 7
@ddw: I feel this is the best (and most diplomatic) approach. That way the event is only cancelled/moved IF the engagement party actually happens.
Taking the high road is a better option… as much as this situation seems to warrant the “screw you” approach.
Post # 8
Post # 9
In my opinion, you have already sent out the invites for your get together, so I would not cancel. She can reschedule her engagement party. She doesn’t even have a firm date. Just let her know you are sorry, but the invites have already gone out and you have already received RSVPs, so you can’t change the date, but you would be happy to attend her engagement party on another day.
Post # 10
I think you should make the first saturday get-together into her engagement party in your town (her hometown). If she doesn’t like that idea, then just go ahead with your plans until she sends invitations for her engagement party, and then go from there.
Post # 11
Thanks, Ladies for all of your input!
I think I am just going to cancel the gathering to make sure that every effort was made to promote attendance at her engagement party. I sincerely doubt that most people will attend, but I don’t want her to feel that is was due to the scheduling conflict.
I think what daydreamwanderer said is really good advice and is what will pretty much happen (those who do not travel to attend her party will still get together).
Thanks again for your advice. I often post these “what would you do” type scenarios because I have Aspberger’s Syndrome and find that I simply do not “think” the way that others do (I am less emotional and often do not understand when I am being unyielding or stubborn because in my mind I am “right.”) so I truly appreciate the responses from others who can perhaps better gauge things.
Post # 12
@Jacqi: If I thought she would attend, I would gladly do that, but since she wants to celebrate with her friends 4 hours away, I think we would be celebrating her engagement without her.
Thanks again, Ladies!