(Closed) Would You Choose Marriage or Your Relationship?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
  • poll:
    I would choose marriage - each and every time! : (95 votes)
    37 %
    I would choose our relationship - each and every time! : (73 votes)
    29 %
    I'm unsure - it would depend on the circumstances and reasons! : (86 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 92
    Member
    714 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @luckyprincess:  Also, to clarify I don’t think that someone who wants to get married as a life goal regardless of the partner is a horrible person, materialistic or self centered,.  I think that they maybe haven’t given themselves opportunity to reach their full potential in life to create other goals.  I also think that they may be sorely dissapointed to find out that marriage is still just a relationship, takes work, compromise and isn’t some utopia filled with unicorns and glitter, lol.

    That statement is very condescending. 

    First, if anyone suggested they wanted to get married “regardless of the partner,” I certainly missed it.  While I’m sure there are some people willing to marry anyone with a pulse, I’ve never actually met one or encountered one here.  Personally, I wanted to marry the right man – not just “a” man, and I did! 

    I have no idea where you got the idea that someone who desires marriage in her future or who has the strength of character to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship has “maybe not given themselves opportunity to reach their full potential” but it appears that you are not very open to having your biasas about this topic challenged.  Despite the many very eloquent and clear responses you’ve been given, you persist in insisting that anyone willing to walk away from a relationshp that has no future for them as choosing a title over love and that’s not the case at all.  Not even remotely close. 

    If two people don’t want to get married, that’s fine by me – their lives, their choice.  And for anyone faced with wanting marriage with a partner who doesn’t, they have my sympathy – its not a position I would wish on anyone.  However, I’m grown up enough to know that love isn’t all it takes to make a relationship work.  Shared values, morals, goals and direction also count as much if not more.  The love is the easy part – its all the rest of it that gets complicated.  If my husband hadn’t wanted marriage, or if I hadn’t and he had, we wouldn’t have been right for one another.  Its really that simple. 

     

    Post # 93
    Member
    4122 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    For my faith, marriage for me is a VERY important part of a relationship with a man. We didn’t co-habitate and we didn’t have sex before marriage. That would be one lousy relationship after some time. My faith and my views on marriage are too extensive for here, but @Johnsbride09: said it well. “the perfect guy would want to get married” just as the perfect guy would also be OK with my religious views (and hopefully) share them. Luckily, I did find all that, and now we’re married. So I choose marriage 🙂

    Post # 94
    Member
    4122 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @lisa105: However, I’m grown up enough to know that love isn’t all it takes to make a relationship work.  Shared values, morals, goals and direction also count as much if not more.  The love is the easy part – its all the rest of it that gets complicated.  If my husband hadn’t wanted marriage, or if I hadn’t and he had, we wouldn’t have been right for one another.  Its really that simple. “

    well said

    Post # 95
    Member
    3176 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I didn’t read all the responses but I wanted to give my opinion on the original question…

    I would choose marriage. I love FH dearly but if he told me tomorrow that he wanted things to stay the same and not get married I would tell him sorry but thats a deal-breaker. I want children and I cannot see myself TRYING to have a child with him w/o us being married, I realize millions of people do that but I personally couldn’t plan my life like that. Since I have control over the decisions I make regarding relationships and marriage, I personally would choose marriage.

    Post # 96
    Member
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

    I would choose the relationship but only if it were clear that it was headed for marriage. I’m traditional in that I wanted to get married. If my SO made it clear that he didn’t want to ever get married, I’d probably end it. I especially would not want to have children and not be married. I see nothing wrong with that choice but I wouldn’t personally choose it. I don’t believe in soul mates so I think there are many people out there that would want to make the same choices as I would want to make.

    That said, if I ever got divorced, from Mr Peng (my first husband) I probably wouldn’t seek marriage exclusively again if I already had a child/children and didn’t want another. I could see my second relationship being one that never ends in marriage. I guess when it comes down to it, the sole reason I would require marriage for my first mate was so that we would have children as a married couple.

    Post # 97
    Member
    1577 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @lisa105: Amen!  I don’t know how many times I’ve said that before… Love is great, but that isn’t all it takes to have a successful relationship.  I’ve loved guys before… but I left them because other things in the relationship did not work out.  Love is not the only deciding factor in whether to stay or leave a relationship…

    Post # 98
    Member
    1267 posts
    Bumble bee

    @lisa105:

    I have no idea where you got the idea that someone who desires marriage in her future or who has the strength of character to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship has “maybe not given themselves opportunity to reach their full potential”

    I have no idea either, since that isn’t what I said.  I said that for people that make marriage a life goal (the only life goal, really), then I think they have not given themselves opportunity to reach their full potential.  As in, if the only goal you have in life is a relationship status, then perhaps you should open yourself up to creating some other goals to achieve in life.  The problem here, I think is that you are confusing what I’m saying with what you’re feeling. 

    but it appears that you are not very open to having your biasas about this topic challenged.  Despite the many very eloquent and clear responses you’ve been given, you persist in insisting that anyone willing to walk away from a relationshp that has no future for them as choosing a title over love and that’s not the case at all.  Not even remotely close. 

    Again, I think that you’re confusing what I’m saying with what you’re feeling.  I’ve thanked people who have given me different views on this thread. 

    Post # 99
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    For me it would be depending on the situation. I wouldn’t mind waiting for marriage if there is a legitimate reason.  I had hold off on marrying due to obligations to my family and specifically to my youngest brother.  Once I was ready I made it clear to guys I dated that I wanted marriage (I’m a late bloomer..i started dating at 27).  After scaring off a couple guys (I can tell after the first date whether a guy make the cut and more than often refuse them a second date..which is for their sanity :p).  I did find guys who admire me for being direct. If I had been in a long term relationship and there are reasons out of one’s control, then I would give the relationship the benefit of the doubt.  But I’m brutally honest so if the guy is just dragging his feet..i would pick marriage.  I’m in the mindset that if you don’t know after a certain time..then he’ll never know. =)

    Post # 100
    Member
    3176 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @luckyprincess: I agree that having marriage as the ONLY goal in life is bad, but I think thats because only having ONE goal in life is bad in itself regardless of what the goal is. You can’t reach your potential in life if you only have one thing going on all the time.

    However having marriage as A goal in your life I don’t think is bad. Why would it be? I consider marriage along the same lines as finding a fulfilling career, and having children, at least those are my goals.

    Post # 101
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @MsFoxxy: Exactly! Well said!

    @luckyprincess: Who in this thread has said that marriage is their only life goal? There are many very accomplished, well-rounded, fulfilled bees who have stated that marriage is A goal, not THE goal. Who exactly are you feeling sad for? I think you’re going after straw men.

    Post # 102
    Member
    501 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    @MrsPinkPeony: exactly. i’m not ashamed to say that marriage is, and has been, *a* goal in life. just like becoming a doctor. and now I am one. I really don’t see wanting to find and marry the right guy as any less lofty of a goal. in fact, i see it in many ways as a more lofty one! because it is one that is enduring. . .via the legacy we will hopefully have through our kids and grandkids.

    Post # 103
    Member
    1267 posts
    Bumble bee

    I suppose I consider goals to be achievments that we work towards and accomplishments.  I wouldn’t consider falling in love an accomplishment or loving someone so much that I’m going to spend my life with him as an achievement.  Like I said, it would be much like considering being single as a goal, to me.  Being single would just be a relationship status, same as being married or divorced.  To me, to me, to me.  I never said that anyone else needs to stop making marriage a life goal because I don’t….. everyone is totally different.

     @jayce: I’m not feeling sad FOR anyone, I said I felt that the idea is sad.  It’s above in oneo f the other posts.  Plus, I just laughed because I have a friend that yells ‘straw man’ all of the time when she’s arguing with someone and the conversation is getting loopy, lol!  I just pictured her as you typing away 😛

    @Johnsbride09: Love this: 

    J responded: “The perfect girl wouldn’t want to get married.”

    It goes either way, marry or no marry.  Obviously the OPs question was hypothetical and I was able to just accept the question while suspending details and stuff and answered based on that.  Of course though, people should make sure that the person they are with wants the same as them.  That’s a talk that should happen as you get to know each other in the beginning.  If I were newly dating a guy and he said that he can’t wait to get married and must get married I would be very wary, because for me that would be a bit strong.  But as I understood the poll, this is now, when we’re already in love and sure that we want to spend our lives with this person – which would we choose – marriage or our man?  I thought it was a very interesting question and actually learned a lot on how other people think.

    Post # 104
    Member
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I was a serial dater in college. It was a small place, and I still have connections to most all of y exes, either through staying friends with them afterward, or keeping mutual friends.

    At least two I can think of, when they dated me, didn’t “believe” in marriage. They loved me, would stay with me forever, wanted to live together (and in one case, we did), etc. Keep in mind that these were 2+ year long relationships, not brief flings. I ultimately broke it off with both because marriage is important to me, and neither of them could give me a compelling reason why they wanted permanent-type things with me, without a permanent-type commitment.

    They’re both married now…

    The God’s-honest truth is that they DID want to be married. They just didn’t want to be married to me. Realizing that stung quite a bit, but after some soul-searching, I realized I wouldn’t have wanted to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me anyways.

    Post # 105
    Member
    6392 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’ve always seen myself getting married, and it’s in keeping with how I was raised/my religion to do so. For me, it’s the ultimate commitment. Yes, you can have legal documents and such that are similar to it, but I’ve always wanted to stand up in front of my friends and family (and his!) and declare our love and commitment to each other.

    It’s definitely not my only life goal :/, but it’s one of them. If Fiance didn’t want to marry me, then I would probably have left him long ago. He’s the only person I ever seriously dated because I always dated with the intent of getting married. I take it very seriously, and I was looking for a guy who did, too.

    Post # 106
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @luckyprincess: I guess this is just turning into a mess of semantics. A goal doesn’t necessarily have to involve some grand acheivement or accomplishment. A goal can simply be a desired end result. We could argue definitions all day, but again, it seems to me that you will choose to take only the most uncharitable, strict reading of people’s words. Why?

    When people say they want to get married someday, no that’s not the same thing as wanting to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. But finding someone they love so much that they’d declare a mutual lifelong commitment is something they want to do and experience in their lifetime, I don’t see how “something I want to do and experience” falls outside the definition of goal, and I don’t see why it’s anything to smirk about.

    I’m glad you got a laugh out of my “straw man” comment, but you seem oblivious to how condescending your tone has been throughout this thread. My “straw man” remark was meant to point out the fact that you’re reading in really unflattering ideas about people that never existed anywhere in this thread. No one has said marriage is their only goal in life, yet that’s the issue you fixated on.

    You seem bent on perpetuating this notion that women who make it a goal to get married are unfulfilled, unambitious, stuck in the dark ages, and have no sense or perspective on what it means to have “real” accomplishments of their own in life. And it’s that picture you seem to be premising your arguments on. Where are these sad sacks? I don’t see anyone like that here. So why keep raising this imaginary person?

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