(Closed) Would You Choose Marriage or Your Relationship?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
  • poll:

    I would choose marriage - each and every time!

    I would choose our relationship - each and every time!

    I'm unsure - it would depend on the circumstances and reasons!

  • Post # 107
    Member
    65 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I would have stayed with FW if she didn’t want to marry. I agree with the ladies that said living without that person would be worse than having to be unmarried for the rest of my life.

    Post # 108
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee

    @jayce:

    I suppose it is, but not by me, imo *shrugs*.  As I said, I’ve enjoyed learning about how other people think.  I really like to know why we all have the differences we do.  That doesn’t mean I’ll understand wholly or agree with those differences but it is enjoyable to me to discuss them.  I think when people subscribe emotions that aren’t present to a discussion they end up getting angry and projecting feelings out there.  I certainly have said a zillion times that just because I feel the way I do doesn’t mean that others can’t or don’t feel the way they do.  I just don’t see a reason to get so upset by differing opinions.  I guess that’s just me.

    You say that no one is saying goal=achievement except for me.  However, all, I mean all, references define a goal similiar to this one:

    1.

    the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.
    2.

    the terminal point in a race.

    So is it really fair to paint me as misconstruing words or twisting definitions when the very definition of the word used is how I’m using it?  Isn’t that akin to me saying ‘well, you keep saying committment as being exclusive to each other but obviously we all think it means having children’ or something?  You can’t just say that you have a definition or loosley use a word to mean something that the majority of people have never heard of and say I’m being mean…  A goal means an achievement, an accomplishment, an objective that your work towards and put your efforts towards.  You are now saying that everyone but me defines it as ‘something I want to experience’.  Okay, clearly Webster’s didn’t send me that memo.  Sorry.  I also don’t recall smirking about it – I usually smile as I find smirks to sometimes be a bit misleading. ๐Ÿ™‚ (that was a smile)
    I really don’t believe I’ve been condescending at all.  I think you are subscribing tone or emotion to my posts that just aren’t there.  I’ve gotten lots of PMs from bees (((thank you all))) letting me know that they haven’t seen what you’re seeing in my postings.  I’m grateful to them for being objective.
    To your last paragraph – the conversation naturally progressed like conversations should and do.  I’m not going to start pointing out posts that I find to adhere to what I’m talking about as I’m sure if you go through it yourself you’ll find them.  Once again, I never said that people that want to get married are “unfulfilled, unambitious, stuck in the dark ages, and have no sense or perspective on what it means to have “real” accomplishments of their own in life”.  Not at all.  I implore that you go ahead and re-read my posts in an objective way without emotions to try to see what I actually posted.  I’ll leave the rest of that up to you.  I may or may not check in on this thread again as it seems a couple of posters are very defensive or maybe sensitive about the topic and are using my dissenting view as a target.

    Post # 109
    Member
    1408 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I love this question…very thought provoking! I personally have no clue. It’s so easy for me to see it both ways. Like am I really going to leave the perfect person for me because he doesn’t want to be officially married? But then again am I going to stay with someone who doesn’t care about how important marriage is to me? ahhhh I don’t know!!! Love reading the comments though:)

    Post # 110
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    If it’s really that perfect person for you, wouldn’t you both want the same things out of life? Just a thought

    Post # 111
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @luckyprincess: Honestly, you’re baffled as to where I’m getting the condescending tone from? Who is subscribing emotion to your posts?

    I really find it very sad that people would find the title of married more important than love. 

    Basically, I’m reading that a lot of people on this site only care about a ring and a title and don’t really care at all about the guy doing the proposing.  Love?  Who cares? 

    Just propose to me and call me a wife!  So sad to know that these are goals for modern women ๐Ÿ™

    I think that they [“someone who wants to get married as a life goal”] maybe haven’t given themselves opportunity to reach their full potential in life to create other goals.

    There’s a stark difference between benevolent pity and contemptuous pity, and yours smacks of the latter.

    I read your dictionary definitions and I don’t see how the one I offered is contradictory or how the goal of marriage doesn’t fit it:

    the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end

    The result? Yes, marriage is a result. Yes, people direct effort towards finding their future spouse and building/sustaining relationships. That’s nothing new. Note the use of semi-colons – “goal” is also defined as an aim, or an end. Simple. Broad. No reference to acheivement, accomplishment, effort, work, etc.

    My degrees are in English Language and Law. I take substance over form when it comes to definitions. Rhetorical theorists and courts of law do the same. Maybe the way I comprehend language is unusual in that sense. *shrug*

    Post # 112
    Member
    554 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    @luckyprincess:  It sounds like you are confusing goals and values by implying that marriage for some women is a goal rather than a value.   

    View original reply
    @jayce:  Couldn’t agree with your comments more! 

    Post # 113
    Member
    398 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Marriage I have always wanted marriage. I want a husband and children. I won’t bring children into the world without marriage. This is what’s right for me.

    But, I also believe that people need to do what makes them happy. I know what’s right for me, but I don’t know what’s right for everyone else.

    Post # 114
    Member
    1029 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I voted for 3(unsure). However in my reality (mainly my upbringing and nationality and the country I live in, society), I would/must choose marriage.

    If OP’s hypothetical situation where the commitment/protetion/everything else that comes with partnership are all there is realistic in my reality, I don’t mind not wedd or be ‘legally married’ with my partner. I want to be able to protect what I have and what we have including children and citizenship or whatever, I want to be able to benifit from protection or discount regarding taxes or whatever. In some countries like France, you don’t have to be married to have this kind of benefit. If I were to be with a french man and live in France, I don’t mind not doing legal marriage thing. But it also depends on our mutual understanding. So it’s really hypothetical.

    My current reality wouldn’t allow the above to be done without tears and arguments, so I have always chosen marriage commitment and I still do and will. 

    Post # 115
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee

    Marriage.  I was with a man, with a child, I assumed marriage. I assumed wrong.  I didn’t plan on having a child out of wedlock, but it shattered me to the core.  I’m religious, even if people scoff at a single mother with faith…   I don’t want to live with someone outside of marriage.  I had to leave him because we both believe and wanted different things.

    So yes, marriage.  Otherwise dating forever.

    Post # 116
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I chose relationship because choosing marriage over a relationship just doesnt sit right with me,you have to be in a good stable happy relationship before marriage is even considered,so I think the two are kind of inter-linked. However I do understand certain factors such as religion,upbringing and personal beliefs.

    ๐Ÿ˜€ X

    Post # 117
    Member
    3997 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I voted relationship because even though I want the legal benefits of marriage I would be comfortable living without them as long as I was able to be with Fiance. I definitely want to be married however I feel that we could still have a good unmarried life “acting married” haha.

    Basically Littlestbirds took the words right out of my mouth- “living without him would be much worse than having to live unmarried for the rest of my life” (:

    Post # 118
    Member
    3686 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Marriage wasn’t a dealbreaker for me, but it was for my husband.  ๐Ÿ™‚  We’re coming up on our second anniversary, and honestly, I’m very happy to be a married woman.  Sometimes the right person can completely change how you feel about an issue.

    Post # 119
    Member
    57 posts
    Worker bee

    Love is all you need. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 120
    Member
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Monogamy, making vows to one another in front of loved ones, and a separation of dating and lifetime committment were all important to me and a wedding and marriage provides that.  Can you have lifetime of monogamous committment without a ceremony and piece of paper, sure and do people get married and not have that, sure. But for me I think celebrations are an important part of life as well as stating my intentions in church and in front of our family and friends.  So someone would have to make a more serious argument to me then it’s just a piece of paper or they don’t see the point for me to agree to just live in a committed relationship without getting married. 

    Post # 121
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I actually asked my fiance this yesterday.  He had gotten really excited that we were getting married (we periodically have these moments of it hitting us and getting all cute about it) and I asked him if he would want to be with me forever without ever getting married.  He was so confused.

    My answer, though, is definitely that I would choose the relationship.  I don’t feel any pressing need to get married.  Sometimes I think I would prefer not to.  It galls me that some of our loved ones don’t have this legal option and sometimes it feels like I’m constraining myself within traditional gender roles with some of this wedding stuff.  But we do want to be together, we want to be each other’s family, and there’s a part of me that gets very excited that we’re making public this commitment to each other.

    I still have my doubts about whether I am getting married for the right reasons – I’m very excited about a wedding, a honeymoon, about seeing a ring on his finger to signifiy our commitment.   But I am way more sure about our relationship than I ever will be about the institution of marriage.

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