Would you consider this a small wedding? FI's parents say it is "sad"

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2008

laurelwreath :  do whatever makes you both happy. Tune out everyone’s remarks. Elope if it’s better. Have a small wedding if that’s what works. The only thing that should matter is getting married. Not the party. 

Post # 17
Member
47193 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you and your Fiance need to sit down and have a talk with his parents. Although you said they have accepted the idea of an American wedding, it is obvious they are still struggling with that.

A wedding of 80-100 is not a small wedding by American standards. It is however considerably smaller than they are used to and it sounds like they are afraid of being judged by their friends and family. Perhaps the 4 of you could work out a strategy and some responses they can use when they have to field comments. If they actively embrace American wedding customs, they will be more comfortable with your decision.

You can also ask them for suggestions to incorporate some traditional wedding practices from his country. You are blending families after all. Including some of the traditions may help them to hod their heads up with their community.

As for the wedding planner, I would tell her that I want that to be the last comment out of her mouth about not needing quality because of the size of the wedding. If she can’t guarantee that, I would be looking for another planner.

Post # 18
Member
2635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

laurelwreath :  really? I invited a total of like 26 people to my wedding and even that number of people staring at me gave me anxiety, lol. 80-90 woukd be too many for me. I wouldn’t want to attend an event with 1000 people for any reason.

Post # 19
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like a normal amount to me, but I guess it’s a cultural thing. I’ve been to Italian weddings with around 400 people but I found it so impersonal, didn’t even speak to the bride or groom. 100 was my absolute max and to me that’s a lot of people.

Post # 20
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

People say stupid things because of culture. My family is Chinese and my 50-person wedding was also considered sub-par. Don’t let it get to you. I loved every single person who attended and this is what I wanted. People who are unable to expose themselves to values of other cultures say stuff like this. 

Post # 21
Member
3840 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Oh they are being very rude! We had 85 guests and it was perfect, big enough to feel full and have a killer dance party (seriously, people kept saying how fun it was and even my grandparents danced) but small enough for us to be able to talk to everyone and have a special moment with almost every guest. 

Post # 22
Member
27 posts
Newbee

Ours ended up being about 85 people, and it was awesome! Don’t let it bother you – it will be wonderful! That is still a lot of people – I also didn’t want a huge wedding so while I was disappointed with the number of people who declined (especially because there were other people I would’ve preferred to have!), it really ended up being for the best! Whatever you money you “save,” splurge on something fun like a band!

Post # 23
Member
2258 posts
Buzzing bee

Your wedding planner is wrong. One of the best things about small weddings is being able to have a more affordable wedding while upping the quality. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I think your wedding planner is more of a problem than your fiancé’s parents.

Your fiancé’s parents are just not used to such small weddings — at all. I mean, if you’re used to multi-day events with hundreds upon hundreds of guests, an 80 person wedding really will be rather shocking. It’s just so out of the norm for them; so unusual. I’d cut them some slack. This is new territory for them.

Don’t question your wedding, because it’s a great idea. Small weddings, like all weddings, have perks that other types of weddings can’t provide. 

Keep your plans, don’t skimp on quality, and cut your fiancé’s parents some slack.

Post # 24
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s sounds like they are struggling because of the cultural difference. I don’t think they are trying to be mean and rude. I think they are having a hard time comprehending a wedding of that size. I like the idea of you and Fiance sitting down with his parents and discussing the cultural differences.

I personally don’t think a 100-person wedding is small. I’d call that about average. I’m sorry you aren’t able to have any family there. That is rough. 

Post # 25
Member
6087 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think the fact that you feel some sadness about the numbers on your side could be contributing to the impact their words are having on you. It’s not that you do not know or have relationships with more people, just that you do not want your wedding to be the place for all those people to be coming together because of the impact to logistics and other details. Your reasoning makes sense.

Our wedding included our most favorite 70 people who were able to attend on that day in our location. There were more people we were considering but I loved the idea that our guest list was distilled down to the ones who were most important in our lives.

Post # 26
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

Unless his parents are paying for the wedding exclusively, you and your Fiance should do whatever you want. It sucks that his parents aren’t on-board, but you should do what makes you happy. 🙂

My Darling Husband has a small family, and the majority of my family live in other states, so although we invited about 130 people, only 55 were able to come. I thought it was the perfect size! We actually got to talk to all of our guests and had a blast! We did everything we wanted for decor, catering, etc.

Post # 27
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

laurelwreath :  no it’s not small, and I don’t see why the planner is saying u can skip quality. It is a normal size wedding. Do what you want, u can’t keep everyone happy.

Post # 28
Member
725 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Our wedding is going to be about 65 people. We could have invited a lot more people, but we wanted something small and intimate. We’re doing a beautiful garden venue, with a great DJ and photographer, and instead of spending a ton on our wedding, we’re taking a cruise right after to celebrate together. We’d rather have a small wedding with only our closest friends and then have a nice honeymoon we wouldn’t have otherwise been able to afford. A few of our friends had hundreds of people at their weddings and didn’t know most of them! The parties were beautiful and special, but not very ‘us.’ In the end, it’s your wedding – however, I am really confused about the way your inlaws are treating you. Even if they feel like it is a small wedding, isn’t there a better way of saying it rather than people will think you have no friends? That’s not okay. 

Post # 29
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

All of the PPs covered things pretty well, so I’ll just add that I had 35 guests at my wedding and it was wonderful. We definitely upped the quality because we had a smaller group, we couldn’t have afforded such a nice wedding for more people! We invited 67 but many weren’t able to travel, which we had expected. Even 35 was enough that we didn’t have enough time to visit properly with everyone!

Post # 30
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

Your wedding sounds great.  

I already know I’m having a small wedding as my SO and I generally keep to ourselves we don’t have many friends.  

You go out there and enjoy yourself, you and you SO are with people you love.  That is all that matters.

 

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