(Closed) Would you consider this abusive behavior from a spouse?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I really don’t want to be insensitive, but maybe my initial reaction should be heard: re you joking???

Plenty on that list is unnacceptable behavior from a partner, but throwing things, using language like “fuck you” and “cunt” in an argument, pulling a GUN and threating to use it in ANY way? It breaks my heart you even have to ask whether those things are abusive or dangerous.

Everything on that list is at best majorly problematic and at worst absolutely abusive and dangerous, and you need to seek support outside the relationship immediately. He’s always “remorseful,” but he’s also always abusive again…so which one of those do you want to believe is the true reflection of him? Which would you be willing to bet your LIFE on?

I 100% believe you should leave this situation, but I know with abuse it’s never that simple or easy. so, my advice is to start with seeking support, discreetly at first to protect yourself. Family, a therapist, an abuse hotline, etc. Do NOT bring children into this situation.

Post # 17
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

I feel like this shouldn’t even be a question. That’s obviously abuse. 

Post # 18
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Please be careful – 80% of domestic violence homicides occur when or after the woman attempts to leave. Please plan your out carefully, and contact local women’s shelters or the police for assistance in how to leave safely.

 

good luck and hugs!

Post # 20
Member
9123 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yes absolutely. Please leave him without telling him, don’t tell him where you are, and then ask for a divorce!

Post # 22
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

My advice to you is to pack your most essential things and leave.  Do it tomorrow while he is at work.  Withdraw all the money that is available in the bank and just leave.  Dont call, dont email.  Do it tomorrow, or tonight if possible  Just do it.

 

Post # 23
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  You shouldn’t even be sitting around to think about this. Go somewhere safe like a family members house without telling him, take your essentials and money, and get the fuck out! He’s obviously very unsafe to be around. You have no reason to stay with him. 

Post # 24
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  His behavior is that of a mentally unstable individual. For whatever reasons (PTSD) he is unstable and needs help immediately. So do you. Your safety is at risk. There is nothing holding him back from escalating this violent behavior and directing it at you. Please get out now. Is there anyone you can stay with or anywhere you can go?

Post # 25
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  I’d be out and never look back after the gun incident.

Post # 26
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

To be honest, even though hes never laid a hand on you, those kinds of explosive anger outbursts just means its only a matter of time until he does. 

Get out now. 

Post # 27
Member
2799 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Get out now.

Post # 28
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  Hmmm…..It sounds like he developed a thought/mood disorder after you guys got married. I’m so sorry, because I know how devestating it is. You SO is fine, and then one day *boom*, it is like somone flipped a switch and they are a different person. How old was he when these symptoms started?

I totally respect you wanting to stand by him and keep your marriage together, but honestly, what you are describing sounds like he is no where near stable. Your first priority needs to be getting yourself somewhere safe. It really sounds like he needs to be hospitalized until he is stabilized on the right medications. The bright side is that a lot of what you are describing may go away once he is on the right medication. The down side is that some people never get their symptoms under control. No one could really blame you for not sticking around for that kind of labile behavior. 

Post # 29
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  He is a ticking time bomb… seek help yesterday and maybe stay somewhere else for a while.

 

Post # 30
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Yes yes yes, this is all abusive behavior, and you need to get out IMMEDIATELY. Your life is in grave danger.

To the people questioning OP, a lot of times it’s hard to see abuse that way when you’re in the middle of it. Please don’t patronize the victim.

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