(Closed) Would you consider this abusive behavior from a spouse?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You need to leave. Now. 

Post # 33
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yes absolutely this is abuse. These are the kinds of things that we often think of as being “gray area” when they are not. Threatening self with weapons is particularly concerning as that often leads to threatening others.

That being said, I know that this is a complicated situation. Please, at the very least, have an idea of a “safety plan” and perhaps consider keeping some money and keys somewhere you can get them if things go badly. Also, be aware that when abusers get the impression that their partner is considering leaving, things often escalate quickly. 

Be safe!

Post # 34
Member
2505 posts
Sugar bee

I’d advise you leave now. PTSD is a horrible thing, my fi has it too along with depression and anxiety. He doesn’t have any violent episodes or psychosis though. It is really sad and though it’s not entirely hos fault it is not a reason to stay there. 

I’m not going to say whether or not you should divorce, but you need to stay somewhere else until he gets help. I would reccomend another psychiatrist to him (from afar of course, maybe over the phone) because no offense to anyone but the therapists at the VA are a joke.

This is all abusive behaviour and in no way your fault and you have to know that no amount of love or understanding from you can fix this for him.

Post # 36
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  I don’t normally post on these types of threads, but I understood what you were saying and why you came here and posted. Let me add to all the PPs and say YES, this is abusive and dangerous. There is no doubt that this will escalate into physical violence unless something very dramatic were to happen to change the situation (which would be very unlikely). 

I hope you have a good family member or friend that you can go to for support. Let them help you with what you know you need to do next. It’s not about having a backbone, it’s about loving yourself enough to take proper care of yourself. Please ignore the critical voice in your head and be kind to yourself instead. Wishing you the best of luck.

Post # 37
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Looking at your past threads,  you were told three years ago not to marry this asshole. Are you really going to listen to anyone now? 

Post # 39
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He sounds like my dad. It took my mom 12 years to leave him, and took her almost as long to realize that just because he wasn’t hitting her or us, that that didn’t mean it was abuse.

Leave as soon as you can. 

Post # 40
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  Yes, everyone of those examples is abusive.  When put together they form a very clear picture of a man who will EVENTUALLY start to hurt you physically on top of the emotional abuse and intimidation he is currently putting you through right now.

There is no question.  Leave him right now and don’t look back. 

Post # 41
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:  You weren’t married 3 years ago and he was a jealous, selfish dick then. No he hadn’t pulled a gun…I truly hope that the escalation makes you take action. 

Post # 42
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Jesus christ! OF COURSE it is! get out of that house! pack the essentials and move with a friend or family member without telling him we’re you’re going!

Post # 43
Member
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Yes, that’s abuse and will only get worse.  You need to safely leave ASAP; get help from family or friends and the police, if necessary.  The fact that he refuses professional help tells you that trying to stay and help him would be an uphill battle that could end up costing you your life.  Don’t risk it.

Post # 44
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know you said its hard bc you share finances, etc. but imagine if you shared a child??? Even worse, imagine a son that grew up thinking it’s okay to talk to women this way or a daughter who expects treatment like this from a man. Separations are always hard and should be the last resort, but you are human and you’re allowed to make mistakes. If you can’t imagine having children with him, I can’t imagine a bigger red flag. Just lean on people you love for support. You can Do it!! 🙂

Post # 45
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
NeedAdviceQuickly:   Any one of those examples would send me flying out the door, never to return.  Each one is abuse.   The pretended remorse is a well documented part of an abusive relationship pattern.  The abuser has to have a victim and “remorse” is a way of keeping the victim.  It is far easier to keep a victim that to try to groom a new one.  

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