(Closed) Would you consider this abusive behavior from a spouse?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
3065 posts
Sugar bee

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Do you really have to ask? 

I think this is one of those situations where if you have to ask, you probably know what the answer is. That is great that he doesn’t hit you, but is that your only basis for staying? That ATLEAST he doesn’t hit you? (not to say that you don’t share love, but … these do not sound like normal quirks)

Would you want this to be your father? Would you ever like to hear your father speaking to your mother in that way? I think you need to take some time for yourself to think. Can you get away for a weekend? Solo vacation? Visit some friends or family? I think it has gone past the point of hoping he will stick with his word and change, it is time to start considering your options. No one deserves to be talked to like this. 

Post # 47
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Yep, leaving is the right thing. I think you will find reassurance as well as love and support here.

These things escalate. Better to do it before you have kids… You wouldn’t want your babies to have to deal with this kind of thing. 

Hugs. I’m so sorry. Things will be hard. Break ups are sad, but you can do this and later on it will get better.

Post # 48
3065 posts
Sugar bee

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  i saw your update. You need to close this question and open a new one asking

“how do i leave an abusive relationship?”

Call some family or friends, call for a police escort (they can be there as a presence just to make sure nothing gets out of hand) while you take your stuff and off you go. Change your number, talk to a lawyer and most likely will have to get a protective order (they are free and easy to get) if you cannot afford a lawyer, most countys will have designated times you can see a county attourney for free or they offer free classes on how to file paper work etc. 

Post # 49
5938 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Some people have mental problems that need to be addressed by a therapist. There is nothing we can ever do to make the happy, like us, not fly off the handle. They.need.help. I was married to one. WAS.

Post # 50
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He is crazy. Does he work? Can you pack your things during the day when he’s not home? Do you have family nearby that you can stay with?

This will probably not get better. You might want to cut your losses now. And probably relocate, move far away. See it as an opportunity to start anew.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 51
37 posts

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Wow, just wow. That is emotional and psychological abuse combined with violent behavior that while directed at inanimate objects is still inexcusable. He is also not someone who should own a firearm or have children and you most certainly should not remain in that relationship. Don’t tell him you want a divorce, just file for it, don’t give him a chance to try and talk you out of it with “I’ll go to therapy and change.” BS, because all that will lead to is him cleaning up his act long enough to get you pregnant so that you can never really break free then. 

Just quietly contact a lawyer, and once he has been served with divorce papers do not allow yourself to be alone with him, take a friend or family member with you.

Things will be a bit more of a pain in the ass with a divorce the more joint assets you have but the best type of divorce to file for in the US is a no-fault divorce. If you file a fault divorce then he can contest it and force you to “prove” he did those things, he’ll just use it to drag it out and make you even more miserable. A no fault divorce generally just means you have irreconcilable differences and if he refuses to sign the divorce papers because he doesn’t want to get divorced, then courts view that pretty much as proof that you have irreconcilable differences and can push it through without him. Generally the longest a no-fault divorce can be held up through childish tactics is an additional 30 days on top of the average time for a divorce to go through where you live. Joint assets being split could drag it out a little longer, but at least you don’t have kids together so it could be worse.

Oh and make sure that before he is served with divorce papers that you have removed anything in your house of extreme sentimental value to you because based on what you’ve described he will most likely immediately destroy it if it is still there afterwards.


Post # 52
7625 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

He pulled a gun on you? How are you unsure right now?! Please leave!

ETA: read through your updates and I apologize if my above statement was rude but seriously, please start working on an exit plan. I would not allow mental disorders to be an excuse to pull a gun  someone, especially if he is refusing extra treatment.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 53
627 posts
Busy bee

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stephanie091512:  +1. I’m not sure I’d call all of those situations abuse, but they are manipulative and unstable at best. Not something I’d want to be involved in, that’s for sure. 

Post # 54
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Sad to say but your husband sounds just like my father 🙁  As someone who grew up in the first 8 yrs of my life in this type of enviroment – I can’t tell you how much it’s effected me as an adult.  My mom said to me as an adult that there were signs early on but she just ignored them.  She thought it would get better and she was $$ dependent on him with 2 young kids.  After 8 years she left after my dad started choking her one night.  She literally grabbed me and my sibling and we ran to the neighbours house. 

Please leave… It’s only going to get worse.  The most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when she tries to leave the abusive realtionship.  Since he’s been violent please don’t tell him your planning on leaving!! You need a plan to keep you and your kids safe before you do so.  Please contact your local domestic violence hotline.  Look it up online or in the phone book or the police will have it.  These professionals are there 24/7 to help you and tell you about the resources available to you.  You do have options.

Post # 56
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2015 - Banquet Hall

Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Just because he HAS NOT laid a hand on you YET. doesn’t mean he wont.

Post # 57
8897 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Please leave. This IS abuse.The sheer fact that you wouldn’t want to have kids with him should be enough. Don’t leave yourself in a situation where one day he could pull a gun on you. Get out now.

Post # 58
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m just horrified that you are still in the same house as him. I am equally horrified that he still has access to a GUN of all things! I realise that we have rather different attitudes to gun ownership here in the UK but I find it hard to believe that the police haven’t at least taken this deadly weapon away from a man so clearly unsuitable to have it.

The gun aside (terrifying as that is) his other behaviour is also dangerously abusive. Since he’s clearly unwilling to help himself, you need to protect YOURSELF.

Please leave. Please get careful advice from Women’s Aid as to how to leave him safely. But leave. Otherwise he will kill you. And soon. 

Post # 59
804 posts
Busy bee

Yes, it’s abuse. Even if he is struggling with other problems, your safety comes first.

Post # 60
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Anyone that is taking a large amount of drugs for psychosis should NOT have access to guns. PERIOD. Buy a safe that only you know the combination to and put the gun in there. Or get rid of it entirely. I was in a long term relationship with an abuser that had a lot of mental health issues. The day he pulled a gun on me and my friends was IT for me. 

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