(Closed) Would you consider this abusive behavior from a spouse?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2346 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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babeba:  I know ur statistic is probably correct, and I know u intended it to educate, motivate, and protect the OP. But it sort of makes it sound like she has an 80% of being murdered if she tries to leave or does leave. Which could be completely untrue. Even if the guy is whipping a gun out. Yes, I understand the true meaning of ur statistic. Yes she needs to be completely careful. I’d maybe just word it a little more sensitively next time. If u had told me that and I was being abused, I’d be scared to take a single step anywhere.

Post # 62
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

The gun would have been the last straw for me. I would have left a long time ago.

Post # 63
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  I have an EX SO that did all of these things except pull a gun…. he was an alcoholic and emotionally ruined from his childhood. It was abusive. It has now cause me some eomtional scaring that I work on everyday. 

Unless he goes into severe therapy I’d leave…. I moved back across the world to get rid of mine.  Hell, I’d probably leave either way and when he’s taken care of himself then start over cautiously.

Post # 64
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Please get yourself out of this situation! I’d second PP’s who said to contact a women’s shelter and close family & friends to form an exit plan and execute it. My mother was in an extremely abusive relationship (with many of these same examples) and knew that leaving was the most dangerous (and hardest) time. She found a women’s shelter and they were able to help her not only get out, but get her back on her feet following the situation. She’s now happily married with children and stronger than ever! There is life after abuse.  Wishing the best for you! Stay strong and safe. 

Post # 65
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  YES TO ALL. But the gun incident really truly has me scared for you. He’s taking it out during an argument, this has disaster written all over it. Truly not OK behavior and frankly I am worried for your safety. Its only a matter of time until he pulls the gun on YOU

WHen you make your plan to leave I would remove the gun from the home. Drop it (unloaded) at a police station saying you feel nervous packing your things with a gun in the same house, or even have them escort you to pack your things. They will do that happily. 

Please OP get out of there before something tragic happens!!!

 

Post # 66
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee

This is terrible! Def. abusive, and it sounds like he could be bipolar, if unprovoked, his mood changes drastically in a matter of minutes

Post # 67
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  In 4 years with my Fiance he has never once done one thing on your list. Any one of those things would drive me out the door. All of them combined? I don’t know how you’re still there.

Post # 68
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - The Celebration Farm

You should leave right away – before something bad happens, intentional or not. Your husband sounds very sick and I think he needs help. If the VA isn’t treating him properly, his Tricare insurance should still be accepted at many other places. I would stay with a friend or family member or in a women’s shelter and get a temporary protective order against him. I’m not sure where you live, but I got a protective order against an ex-boyfriend, and they basically just told me that since I came in and requested it, it was approved. I believe it was for 2 or 3 weeks and then you go to court and can ask to extend or drop it. I really think you should consider leaving and going somewhere safe. Are there any children involved?

Post # 69
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

He’s pulled a gun..he doesn’t have to lay a hand on you to kill you. 

Get out and now. Get far away. 

Post # 70
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Please get out sooner than later. Your hsuband is volatile, hateful, irrational, and armed. None of those things will end well for you if you stay. Combined, I think you are actually in real and present danger.

Post # 71
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  Situations 1-4 you can call the police about. I recommend that you start calling them because it will be on the record when you get divorced and help you with that. Or better yet ask a lawyer, they probably know better than me, I just know that for 1-4  you can call the police. 

Those things sound like it could escalate to a really bad situation, and I also see him being not a good role model for your kids 🙁 If you had a son, would you want him to think he could treat people that way, or if you had a daughter, would you want her to think it was normal to be treated that way?

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it would be really painful. 

Post # 72
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Columbia, SC

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  I have to admit, I have a tendency to throw things when I am mad, but not at anyone. An example would be, if I were folding clothes I would throw them in the clothes basket. Not throwing large objects or anything like that though. 

However, all of it (even if not thrown at you or hands are never put on you) is definitely mental abuse. Definitely seek some counseling. I think you need to try counseling, unless you are definitely, 100% sure you want divorce. He may change with some counseling, and possibly medication. But you are not going to change him and he is not going to change on his on. 

Post # 73
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

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NeedAdviceQuickly:  It doesn’t sound like abuse per say RIGHT NOW, but it does sound like it has the potential to become abusive.  It also sounds like your DH suffers from hair-trigger anger and probably can’t begin to understand or control his anger.  However, he can work on this!  I have to disagree with everyone who says he has a mental disorder and you need to run for the hills.  Running away is not what marriage is about.  I speak from experience with a very similar situation (minus the gun thing), and we were able to work through our issues and now have a pretty perfect relationship.  We don’t have any of these name calling, stuff throwing, anger fits any more.  Obviously, if your DH is completely unwilling to work on this and it continues or gets worse, then you may need to re-evaluate the situation.  But you don’t need to call it quits right now because a bunch of strangers on the Internet think you should.

Post # 74
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn

You should call a domestic abuse hotline for advice on how to safely get out:

1−800−799−7233

Post # 75
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, is there an update? I’ve been thinking about you and worrying about you…

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