- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
But, I’m also concerned about his spending! He’s spent THOUSANDS? Can you afford to support this habit? Or is it an addiction at this point?
First off, cheating, please please PLEASE do not marry this guy. Second, wait, did I read correctly that he is in debt?! So he could be out of debt if he didn’t have this habit but instead of being financially responsible, he’s paying women online? Wowwwwwwww. Third, this is not him just getting it out of his system before you two are married, you said he’s been doing this weekly for YEARS and I assume he didn’t “just know” instantly that you two would get married as soon as you got together.
I would definitely consider it cheating. I would also be extremely pissed about the financial expenditure – thousands?? Wtf?! It seems like the man you thought he was is not the man he really is. I can’t think of any excuse to put up with such behavior. No way would I want to purposely get myself into a lifetime committment with a known liar. Lies of omission are still lies.
I am so sorry to hear your story. I would certainly consider web cam sex chat as cheating. In my opinion, sex is not just a physical act but also a very intimate moment between two people. That is not sometimes to be taken lightly.
Also, it is obvious that your fiance has a big problem. Sounds like he is a sex addict. I mean getting himself in debt, endangering your relationship and still continueing with his distructive behaviors despite the harmful consequences sounds a lot like a compulsive/addictive behavior. This being said, you should not feel like it is your fault, or that he did it because you are not (sexy/thin/successful/affectionate/fill in the blank) enough. None of this is your fault.
Sorry, but I have to echo everyone else. I consider it cheating and I’m not sure I would be able to get past it. The thousands of dollars is just an extra kick in the crotch, adding insult to injury. I would put the wedding on hold and not move forward with him unless I was 100% sure I could truly forgive him, move past it, and trust that he never did this again. If he already spent this much money, is this a small enough habit that he can quit? I’m pretty skeptical.
Sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. There are psychologists who specialize in treating sex addiction – and it sounds like your Fiance has a type of online sex addiction. This is not something to treat like a “one off” and he may not be able to promise that he will never do it again. He’s already spent thousands of dollars on these webcam prostitutes – he needs help YESTERDAY.
I would try to keep an open mind regarding WHY he got into this online sex stuff – it could be more out of a feeling of personal insecurity and the ability to completely let loose online than anything else.
It does not necessarily have to be you that helps him get through this. That is your choice completely. Internet sex addictions are extremely destructive for marriages and family life, and it sounds like it could be a challenge for him to overcome all this.
If you want a good laugh, watch the TV show Playing House – it starts out with with one of the leads finding out her husband has been on webcams with webcam girls.
Whatever you decide to do going forward, I wish you the best of luck. And if you ever need an ear from someone who doesn’t know you at all, feel free to PM me.
Yes I’d consider it cheating. Why else would he need to do it behind your back all these years if he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong?
It sounds like he is addicted too- considering he’s been doing it for 6+ years (and maybe even before you two met) and wasted thousands of dollars. It’s just gross and disrespectful to you and I’d want an explanation but other than that I’d be out.
I’m not sure how I would feel in your shoes, but to me the worst part about this situation is the money that has been spent. I think I would be able to get over the cam chats as they are just, essentially, porn.
That’s definitely inappropriate and he sounds like he’s addicted, tbh. I mean, thousands of dollars in webcam chats over YEARS? Being unable to get out of debt because he’s too busy funding this habit? That’s what addicts do. That is not normal and I highly doubt he could just stop cold turkey now. I think he needs to get to the root of why he feels the need to have those kinds of interactions with other women when he’s in a committed relationship and to such an overwhelming degree. He probably needs at least individual therapy. It will probably take him years to uncap everything he has going on in his psyche, his views of women and sexuality and of course, his finances. You don’t have to stay there and deal with it if you don’t want to but if you do, understand that it will be a long road for him to get over this.
I’m really sorry you are going through this but at least you found out now before you get married. DO NOT IGNORE THIS. It’s not going to be solved by him just saying he won’t do it again. You said he’s been doing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR YEARS. It’s probably almost a compulsion at this point and it probably has little to do with you and everything to do with him. This is HIS issue. Now you can work through it with him if you want and see if he can stop. It’s okay if this is a dealbreaker for you but now is the time to figure that out. Cancel the wedding. I wouldn’t marry him unless he made it abundantly clear that he was working on this (by actually going to therapy, not just agreeing to go).
I’d also recommend reading Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It – And Men Don’t Either by Michael Bader. He’s a sex therapist with years of experience and in the book, he talks about various sexual habits amongst men, including webcamming and going to prostitutes, etc and he addresses the pschological factors that motivate those behaviours. I don’t agree with everything he said but it’s a very interesting book and it might help you and it’s written for laymans so it shouldn’t be hard for anyone to grasp.
Ugh, how many relationships has sex/chatting/camming/reconnecting on the internet ruined?!
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