Post # 121
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
I don’t think I would find it to be as serious as if he actually was having physical contact with someone, but it’s definitely on the spectrum of cheating. He’s engaging in contact with another woman, even if it’s just to get off and there’s no feelings or whatever. The part that disturbs me the most is how he spent thousands of dollars. I’m not sure I could ever get over it.
Post # 122
I felt like this was needed.
Post # 123
Must be scum bag month for the male species. This kind of stuff is everywhere :-/.
well it’s not cheating in the conventional sense it is a form of it. And, in my opinion any form of cheating a Just as bad as the next. Some women don’t consider sexting cheating, or anything other than sex. if it’s something that you aren’t comfortable with and it crossed your line, then you don’t have to explain it further. if it’s something that hurts you and could damage uot relationship then yes it’s cheating.
I personally wouldn’t deal with It. One time I woke up to my husband watching a live webcam and I promise he wont be doing that again. It’s something that repulsed me and i immediateley told him I cant be ok with it.
Post # 124
I wouldn’t personally regard it as cheating, because I see it in a similar vein to strip clubs/porn, which I don’t have an issue with; I get that there’s more personal contact, but that wouldn’t bother me personally. However, my feelings are irrelevant; if you feel it is cheating, then that is all that matters.
Also, I WOULD have an issue with him hiding it from me, as that would suggest (to me), that even if I don’t see it as cheating, HE does (otherwise why hide it?). That would present an issue to me as I don’t like deceit. I would also have an issue with the frequency he does it; I have no issue with my OH watching porn or whatever, but not for hours and hours each week.
Finally, I would have a HUGE issue with how much he is spending, especially when he can’t afford it. That to me is crossing into addiction territory which is extremely troubling, not to mention that the money he is blowing makes it even more disrespectful.
I think you need to do some thinking. Personally I could only stay with him if he sought help, and quit the chat lines/web cams; and he has to WANT to do that and be proactive in getting the help he needs.
Post # 125
I wouldn’t consider this cheating, however, I can completely understand how this could be completely upsetting to you. The scarry part is that he has this whole other part of himself/his life that he hides from you. The fact that he would spend so much money on porn, especially when you aren’t in the best financial state, makes me think this may be something more. I know it’s dangerous to speculate about these types of things, but it sounds like it is possible that he has a sex addiction. It’s not normal to throw thousands of dollars away for instant gratification like porn, and it’s obvious that he’s ashamed of what he’s doing since he’s been hiding it from you. I think the two of you should see a therapist about this.
Post # 126
Oh OP this sucks big time. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position 🙁 you have the full support of the bee here!
As you live apart it’s not suprising he may use porn sites but this takes it to a different level. The debt is really the main red flag in my opinion (but of course I understand your deep upset about the webcam chats) Marriage isn’t just the lovey dovey moments, it’s sharing your life with someone, and particularly your finances with someone. A man who could hide this level of debt is someone you should approach with serious caution.
Out of interest how did you find out about all of this? Did you see a bank statement or did he confess??
Post # 127
To me and my Fiance anything to do with the opposite sex that we would actively hide from eachother is cheating on some level.
For example I’m not bothered by porn, He’s very open and honest regarding his porn habits. He will only look at porn when I’m away for several days/nights. If he was hiding porn and covering it up, choosing porn over me then this is a betrayal (cheating).
I often ten go out for lunches with male colleagues and every evening we catch up and I tell him about my lunch and who came with me. If i was to fib and say I was alone or with Emma but in truth I was with Ben. Then this would be a betrayal and therefore cheating.
cheating doesn’t have to involve sex physically in my opinion.
Post # 128
So if you do the math, he has spent into the 6 figures on this? In some areas, he could have put a down payment on a house with the amount of money he has spent on this…hell in an inexpensive area he could have BOUGHT a house. And yet he is still living with mommy and daddy? So basically, he has prioritized this over growing up, moving out, living on his own, and becoming financially stable.
Between that and the fact he did this all this time knowing its something that would hurt you….this is not a man who is anywhere near ready to be your husband.
I know this hurts so much right now, but really, you are VERY lucky to have discovered this about him before you got married because it’s very character revealing.
Post # 129
I found out about it as a result of him leaving the browser on our laptop that we both use open to the “member” area page of the site he goes on. (his mistake for not clearing the history!)
At first I was like “what the heck is this”, then as i read the page and saw all the content, I realized it was an adult site and on the page it has a history of his account use, saying what girls/rooms he had visited, and for how long, etc etc, and who the ones on his “favorites” list were and all that stuff.
And I remember a while back I saw his credit card statement open cuz he had been paying some bills. I remember seeing several large amounts on the invoice for several purchases (like 175 here, 250 there) and wondering what the heck they were for, because they werent for anything like a recognized like a store purchase.
But I didn’t want to be nosey so I didnt ask him about it. But now, I’ve finally put two and two together and realized that THIS is what those amounts were for.
Please note: I am NOT a nosey girlfriend or a hen pecker or anything like that. Im respectful of his privacy. But in this case, when i saw the site I had to investigate a little further and now the catis out of the bag on what hes been doing.
Post # 130
Yes. I agree it really is a HUGE sum that he has spent on this over the past decade. I wouldnt say hes spent six figures (100 k) but hes definitely spent THOUSANDS and yes most likely the same amount that he could have put towards a house.
I would say maybe 20 000? at least?
Post # 131
LOL ok…i was going on ~1000/wk for 10 years…which would put it up over a hundred grand.
That is still some serious cash to spend on something like this, especially when there is very pressing need to prioritize money (getting married soon, debt, moving out of the parents house).
I agree with respecting privacy — my husband and i never go thru eachother’s email or phone or anything like that — no reason to. But with something like this, you guys are going to be married — wanting to know what is going on with his finances is not being nosey. How you each handle finances directly impacts the entire life and future of the other, so I really believe that engaged couples should have serious discussions about how they plan to handle finances together and fully disclose the state of their individual finances BEFORE getting married.
Sorry if you already said and i missed it, but how is he behaving through this and how are you feeling now?
Post # 132
He seems to think everything is ok, but it’s not.
I am thinking of breaking up with him or at least postponing the wedding because I really just don’t think he GETS IT.
I don’t think he GETS how upset and disgusted I am, I dont think he GETS IT how UNACCEPTABLE his behavior has been, I dont think he gets it that i am hurting.
Ugh, what to do??? I really feel like I dont know him. He makes my skin crawl.
Post # 133
The thing is that this behaviour to you is unacceptable but to others, including your partner, it is not a big deal. Everyone has different boundaries for relationships.
The problem with your relationship is that you have different ideas on boundaries. So don’t make this into calling his behaviour unacceptable just because you don’t agree with it. If you are telling him to his face that his behaviour (about the sex stuff) is disgusting then you are hurting him. No one else gets to decide what an individual does sexually (lawfully of course) or has the right to degrade that just because they don’t agree with it.
If this behaviour is unacceptable to you then you need to decide whether you stay or go. you both may decide to compromise. He may decide his relationship means more than the other stuff. But that needs an adult conversation without degrading him, emotional blackmail (on both sides) and with open discussion on boundaries.
He may also consider his finances his business and not yours since you two are not married. Again that is just a personal opinion, some people combine finances when they get engaged, others when they get married and others never at all. So to him he is not lying to you because it is not your business what he spends his money on.
Post # 134
Why doesn’t he GET how upset you are? Are you telling him how you are feeling? If you are so disgusted, why haven’t you ended thing? Do you think with time you will be less disgusted?