(Closed) Would you considering this cheating?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I don’t think I would find it to be as serious as if he actually was having physical contact with someone, but it’s definitely on the spectrum of cheating. He’s engaging in contact with another woman, even if it’s just to get off and there’s no feelings or whatever. The part that disturbs me the most is how he spent thousands of dollars. I’m not sure I could ever get over it.

Post # 122
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I felt like this was needed. 

Post # 123
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

Must be scum bag month for the male species. This kind of stuff is everywhere :-/.

well it’s not cheating in the conventional sense it is a form of it. And, in my opinion any form of cheating a Just as bad as the next. Some women don’t consider sexting cheating, or anything other than sex. if it’s something that you aren’t comfortable with and it crossed your line, then you don’t have to explain it further. if it’s something that hurts you and could damage uot relationship then yes it’s cheating. 

I personally wouldn’t deal with It. One time I woke up to my husband watching a live webcam and I promise he wont be doing that again. It’s something that repulsed me and i immediateley told him I cant be ok with it. 

Post # 124
Member
6363 posts
Bee Keeper

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ashley.nivens.7:  I wouldn’t personally regard it as cheating, because I see it in a similar vein to strip clubs/porn, which I don’t have an issue with; I get that there’s more personal contact, but that wouldn’t bother me personally. However, my feelings are irrelevant; if you feel it is cheating, then that is all that matters.

Also, I WOULD have an issue with him hiding it from me, as that would suggest (to me), that even if I don’t see it as cheating, HE does (otherwise why hide it?). That would present an issue to me as I don’t like deceit. I would also have an issue with the frequency he does it; I have no issue with my OH watching porn or whatever, but not for hours and hours each week.

Finally, I would have a HUGE issue with how much he is spending, especially when he can’t afford it. That to me is crossing into addiction territory which is extremely troubling, not to mention that the money he is blowing makes it even more disrespectful.

I think you need to do some thinking. Personally I could only stay with him if he sought help, and quit the chat lines/web cams; and he has to WANT to do that and be proactive in getting the help he needs.

Post # 125
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I wouldn’t consider this cheating, however, I can completely understand how this could be completely upsetting to you. The scarry part is that he has this whole other part of himself/his life that he hides from you. The fact that he would spend so much money on porn, especially when you aren’t in the best financial state, makes me think this may be something more. I know it’s dangerous to speculate about these types of things, but it sounds like it is possible that he has a sex addiction. It’s not normal to throw thousands of dollars away for instant gratification like porn, and it’s obvious that he’s ashamed of what he’s doing since he’s been hiding it from you. I think the two of you should see a therapist about this.

Post # 126
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh OP this sucks big time. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position 🙁 you have the full support of the bee here! 

As you live apart it’s not suprising he may use porn sites but this takes it to a different level. The debt is really the main red flag in my opinion (but of course I understand your deep upset about the webcam chats) Marriage isn’t just the lovey dovey moments, it’s sharing your life with someone, and particularly your finances with someone. A man who could hide this level of debt is someone you should approach with serious caution. 

Out of interest how did you find out about all of this? Did you see a bank statement or did he confess?? 

Post # 127
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

100% cheating. 

To me and my Fiance anything to do with the opposite sex that we would actively hide from eachother is cheating on some level. 

For example I’m not bothered by porn, He’s very open and honest regarding his porn habits. He will only look at porn when I’m away for several days/nights. If he was hiding porn and covering it up, choosing porn over me then this is a betrayal (cheating). 

I often ten go out for lunches with male colleagues and every evening we catch up and I tell him about my lunch and who came with me. If i was to fib and say I was alone or with Emma but in truth I was with Ben. Then this would be a betrayal and therefore cheating.

cheating doesn’t have to involve sex physically in my opinion.

 

Post # 128
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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ashley.nivens.7:  So if you do the math, he has spent into the 6 figures on this? In some areas, he could have put a down payment on a house with the amount of money he has spent on this…hell in an inexpensive area he could have BOUGHT a house. And yet he is still living with mommy and daddy? So basically, he has prioritized this over growing up, moving out, living on his own, and becoming financially stable.

Between that and the fact he did this all this time knowing its something that would hurt you….this is not a man who is anywhere near ready to be your husband.

I know this hurts so much right now, but really, you are VERY lucky to have discovered this about him before you got married because it’s very character revealing.

Post # 131
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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ashley.nivens.7:  LOL ok…i was going on ~1000/wk for 10 years…which would put it up over a hundred grand.

That is still some serious cash to spend on something like this, especially when there is very pressing need to prioritize money (getting married soon, debt, moving out of the parents house).

I agree with respecting privacy — my husband and i never go thru eachother’s email or phone or anything like that — no reason to. But with something like this, you guys are going to be married — wanting to know what is going on with his finances is not being nosey. How you each handle finances directly impacts the entire life and future of the other, so I really believe that engaged couples should have serious discussions about how they plan to handle finances together and fully disclose the state of their individual finances BEFORE getting married.

Sorry if you already said and i missed it, but how is he behaving through this and how are you feeling now?

Post # 133
Member
9085 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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ashley.nivens.7:  The thing is that this behaviour to you is unacceptable but to others, including your partner, it is not a big deal. Everyone has different boundaries for relationships. 

The problem with your relationship is that you have different ideas on boundaries. So don’t make this into calling his behaviour unacceptable just because you don’t agree with it. If you are telling him to his face that his behaviour (about the sex stuff) is disgusting then you are hurting him. No one else gets to decide what an individual does sexually (lawfully of course) or has the right to degrade that just because they don’t agree with it.

If this behaviour is unacceptable to you then you need to decide whether you stay or go. you both may decide to compromise. He may decide his relationship means more than the other stuff. But that needs an adult conversation without degrading him, emotional blackmail (on both sides) and with open discussion on boundaries.

He may also consider his finances his business and not yours since you two are not married. Again that is just a personal opinion, some people combine finances when they get engaged, others when they get married and others never at all. So to him he is not lying to you because it is not your business what he spends his money on. 

Post # 134
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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ashley.nivens.7:  Why doesn’t he GET how upset you are? Are you telling him how  you are feeling? If you are so disgusted, why haven’t you ended thing? Do you think with time you will be less disgusted?

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