Post # 1
My best friend has awful luck with men. The most awful luck I’ve ever witnessed.
She has recently met a man who is 6 months deep into his legal separation and 6 months away from being able to sign divorce papers. He has a 2 year old son with his wife. He has made it very clear that he wants to remarry and have more kids. He’s 36. My Boyfriend or Best Friend is 27. To me, it sounds like he is rushing to find his child another mother. They’ve known eachother for less than a week and it sounds like they’re on the verge of telling eachother they love one another. She is not the first person he has dated since his separation 6 months ago.
I am biased, as I worked for a divorce attorney for 5 years and have witnessed the worst case scenarios. I personally think she is setting herself up for another heartbreak.
I am sure there are some success stories on here as to dating during separation. I’d love to hear the successes and the failures.
As outsiders to the situation…what do you think about women who date men who are legally separated? Are you inclined to view them as a “mistress” or “the other woman”? What kind of assumptions are typical of that woman?
Post # 3
@AnonBeeLee: I think if they are legally separated and are, for sure, in the process of getting a divorce then I think it’s fine. I don’t view the women as a mistress or as the other woman. Divorces can take a long time to settle. I saw my aunt go through one and it was a very long process. It wouldn’t have been fair to her to have to stay single all that time. I think as long as you’re mentally and emotionally checked out of the marriage and have started divorce proceedings, then you’re perfectly within your rights to date someone, as long as that someone knows what’s going on.
Now if she was dating a married man that had no intention at all of leaving his wife, then she’s definitely a mistress/other woman in my book.
Post # 4
@LadyBlackheart: I guess my concern is that most men would say that they have intentions to sign the divorce papers with the purpose of having something on the side in the meantime (while they’re trying to work on their marriage).
Post # 5
@AnonBeeLee: The kid would be a dealbreaker for me.
Post # 6
@AnonBeeLee: My SIL got engaged to a guy who was legally seperated but not yet divorced. They didn’t announce it until the divorce went through, and are now happily married with half custody of his kids and their own baby!
Post # 7
I have a friend who did that once, dated a separated man. Started out light and fun, getting to know you, she fell hard but broke things off and a month later he told her he still loved his soon to be ex wife. She never did find out if he got the divorce. :-/ She thinks she was the total fallback girl and I think she’s correct.
Post # 8
I agree that the particular situation your friend is in probably isn’t ideal.. especially with a 2 year old child. It just sounds very complicated.
I wouldn’t say that every case is the same, though. My SO and I are going to marry in December.. it won’t be very long since his divorce is finalized. And we will have been dating almost 3 years at that point. Divorces take time, and everyone’s situation is different. Yeah, at first I was a bit worried about public perception since my SO was going through a divorce, but people just wanted me to be happy. People divorce for different reasons. On our first date, I asked my SO if he’d remarry. He said yes. He’s always been honest and up front with me throughout the entire process, and yes, I’ve had to trust him, but I saw no red flags.
Post # 9
I met my the man who is now my fiancé and then separated From my ex husband. We did not “legally” separate, we just spoke it into truth. I didn’t have the energy or money to deal with any additional filing crap when I was already working on filing for divorce. I don’t know that I’d personally recommend it, but you do what you gotta do.
I was up front with my ex husband (husband at the time) about needing to have a life again (I was a stay at home mom for 3 years, we just moved 2000miles away a few months before, I had no friends) and told him there is a possibility I could meet someone and that he needed to prepare for that. He had been throwing divorce around for 3 years, putting me down, verbal, mental, emotional abuse, etc. If I am 100% honest I knew there was someone I was interested in when we had this conversation but I had not pursued it on a physical level yet. I was really thinking mostly about myself and didn’t necessarily go about things the right way, but I don’t know that I had the tools necessary to do so at the time. I do not feel any guilt over what was done because I was saving myself from something very bad. My ex was a pathological liar and a narcissist so at a certain point I had to just do what I had to do to get myself out.
We dated throughout my divorce but kept things under wraps except for close friends and family until my divorce was final. We have been A “legitimate” couple for about 14 months now…as in from the day the divorce finalized. He just proposed. I couldn’t be happier that I found a better match for me. I knew he was the one as soon as I met him, it was very powerful and had my marriage not been failing or in a weak spot I would have RAN the other way. But i ran straight to him and I don’t regret it for one second. He had been through divorce himself, he was older and wiser, did not have a temper, and frankly is the best therapist I’ve ever had. He taught me a lot about things he learned in his marriage and in dealing with people like my ex. I have so much respect for him, he really put himself out there and put his heart on the line waiting for me. He is the sweetest and most loving man I’ve ever met. We are over the honeymoon phase now and we don’t bicker or argue like most couples I see. We have booth been through hell in bad relationships so we appreciate the good we have together and go out of our way to make each other happy. I dote on him and spoil him like no other.
i know many people have judged me but the ones I expected it from the most (parents, church people) have supported me most and agree that I did what was best for my daughter and I. Even my ex has gotten better now and settled down. It took losing us to make him realize how special his daughter is and he is becoming a respectable human being now, which I am grateful for.
Post # 10
your friend and I are around the same age and I couldn’t date someone who was legally separated or/and have children.
Post # 11
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. My thought would be to tell your friend to cool it until he’s officially divorced and she physically sees the decree. Being that the child is two that’s a whole lot of birthday parties, sick visits, and baseball games she’s going to have to sit through before they can enjoy their life together without his exwife attempting to interfere. My Fiance is divorced his son is 16 and there are still issues with his exwife twice married since being unreasonable for the sake of being difficult. As a friend make sure she’s thought about all the drama that comes from a man with kids before she leaps into the relationship. And be there for her if it doesn’t work out.
Post # 12
She’s only 27…her dating pool could be so much more than a separated guy with a kid :-/ I don’t think I’d look twice at a 36 yr old with a child and an almost ex wife…She should run.
Post # 13
I have never dated a separated man, nor would I have ever.
I worked as a legal secretary for a family law attorney. I’d say 90% of the cases that came through were for dissolvement of marriage. I’ve also seen some messy divorces.
I don’t view anyone dating someone who is legally separated as the other woman, but I don’t think too highly of a woman dating someone who verbally separated from his wife. To me it shows neither partners are ready to end the marriage.
I’m always wary when people jump from one relationship to another, especially in this case since he was actually married. I think people need their time to heal from a breakup, be okay with being single, and work on themselves so that they’re ready mentally and emotionally to date again.
Being legally separated is such a strange place to be since you’re not married, but you’re not single.
I’d be worried he was using her as a rebound.
I’ve also seen a lot of couples get back together after being separated.
And also, the fact that there’s a 2 year old in the mix…it’s already so complicated.
Post # 14
@AnonBeeLee: if they are separated, I don’t see how she could be considered the mistress since he’s not actually cheating on his wife? I don’t see a problem with dating someone who is legally separated. I wouldn’t want to sit around for a year and not date if I were in his position..
Post # 15
@housebee: +1. I’d be scared of baby momma drama lol
Post # 16
@housebee: Why would the KID be a dealbreaker?