(Closed) Would you do this for your MIL?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If you allow it this time, watch out – this isn’t the last time sis is going to need a ride to girl scouts!

Post # 18
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@prettyflowers:

That’s what I was thinking too, isn’t it a weekly thing?

Post # 19
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe you could think of it as helping your new sister in law. It seems like you do hold a lot of resentment towards your mother in law. Just a reminder but she was not obligated to pay for your wedding, it’s a bonus if parents help but defintely not something they are required to do.

I think you should do like some of the other bees suggested and let your husband take your car and drive his sister home. Enjoy the few hours to yourself, he’ll be home before you know it.

Maybe this act of kindness will make your relationship with her better. You will never regret being the bigger person.

Post # 20
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

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@SapphireSun:  Seconded.

 

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@starry:  It definitely sounds like this is only a symptom of a bigger problem.  My advice would be to do it this weekend and then sit down and have a talk when tempers aren’t high – money, his reliability and the relationship with your in-laws were the ones to jump out at me.

Post # 21
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

If DH said he would drive his sister, let him drive his sister in his car.  You should take your car and do whatever you want.  

It sounds like you and DH have other issues to work out like communication over money and family expectations.  You seem very frustrated with DH and Mother-In-Law – talk to DH and hopefully this will avoid issues down the road.   

Post # 22
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@starry: I think it’s hard to get used to expectations that in-laws have, which are very different from how your own family works.  My Mother-In-Law is extremely different from my family.  It is really hard to get used to it, because if my family did a lot of the things she does, it would be considered very rude.  It seems like your Mother-In-Law is the same way.  Try your best to remember they are different and this likely isn’t a big deal to them as it is to you.

If it were me, I would sit down with my husband and discuss this calmly.  Explain your concern about both of your cars and the cost, as well as his safety.  Tell him you are worried about fighting since driving always seems to be the point of contention.

And consider: if this was my family, would I do it for them?  When I’m mad about something my Mother-In-Law asks for, I always say this to myself to help figure out what to do!

Post # 23
Member
15144 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It depends, is this just a one time thing b/c Mother-In-Law didn’t manage to make other arrangements or couldn’t come down this one weekend?  I’ve been so busy at work, I barely have the desire to schedule anyone to come over to my house and that doesn’t even involve me going anywhere!  So I totally understand you not wanting to waste half your weekend playing taxi, for that reason alone I would want to say no.

Are you more upset at Mother-In-Law or DH?  If this were happening with me, I think issue would be with DH.  Mother-In-Law has ever right to ask her son if she can do her a favor, DH should have consulted you, especially if that means he has to take your car.  Just from what you’ve said, I would let him take my car and drive her home, but would not go with him.  If your parents are on the way up, I’d stop in and say hi for a few hours… or at worse, just stay home and do your lesson planning and relax in a quiet house.  You can still use his car if you need to run some errands or go anywhere close by right?

I also agree with PPs about having some built up resentment regarding money.  Sounds like you have put a lot of money into the relationship and support you two and trying to use it against him right now and that’s not fair.  Did you know going into the wedding you would be footing the bill?  If so, and you were ok with it back then, its really not fair to try use that against him (and his family) now.  Sometimes I forget that too when I think about how the downpayment for our house basically all came from me, and I feel like I’ve been paying all the mortgage and taxes (though he pays for bills and all the other really big expenses), but then I think back to the feeling when we were trying to buy our house and I didn’t have any issues with it.  It’s easy to want to use the fact that we put more money into it against the other person when upset at other things.  If you’re upset about one thing (MIL, car, driving), try not to bring in other things (like the money) to justify it.

Post # 24
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Like previous Bees have mentioned, I think the car ride is the least of your troubles. If you feel like you are maintaining your husband, that’s going to lead to doom. And if you chose to spend your life savings on your wedding then you’ve got to own up to that decision since after all only you made it. I would drive her. And on the car ride back I would have my husband stay awake and talk through all of this. 

Post # 25
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’d do it this time (and try to enjoy the time with your husband), but ask him to ASK you first next time and communicate why the situation is frustrating for you.

Post # 26
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

As a fellow teacher, I hear you about the lost time, especially if YOU have to be the driver, since your DH failed to renew his AAA.  I agree with PPs that there are deeper issues at hand.  For this particular situation, this is what I would do:

  • Agree to drive on the condition that your DH will take dictation/type up the lesson that you dictate to him ON THE WAY BACK from dropping off your SIL
  • Before this weekend, have a serious conversation about how important you think it is for the two of you to make these decisions as a couple; that your DH needs to learn/practice the line: “Let me check with starry first about our plans.  I’ll get back to you.”  Then, the both of you need to learn/practice talking out the pros & cons (or the his wants & your wants) of every situation until you start to trust his value of YOUR time & YOUR energy.
  • During the drive back with your SIL, take advantage of the time to bond with her…if your DH usually sleeps, kick him to the back seat so you can talk with SIL.  Maybe discuss her goals with Girl Scouts…it might help you appreciate or understand what she’s trying to accomplish or why she’s still with the troop near you rather than the one near her parents’ house…or it might showcase that your Mother-In-Law is forcing her to continue, IDK.  Either way, you would get the opportunity to bond with someone who will be a part of the rest of your life.
  • Stick to dictating the lesson to your DH…even if it means deleting or revising stuff (I mean HE has to delete or revise).  This will give him a better understanding of what it takes out of you to do this work & probably will make him think twice about volunteering your time.

If your DH doesn’t agree to these things, tell him that he will need to use another car (not his, for safety reasons) & another driver (or rent a car & buy the insurance on it for him to drive it).  After SIL is out of the house, have another conversation about his goals, your goals, & how you will both work on reaching each together as a couple…there seems to be a lot of resentment about money & responsibilities.  Maybe if you talk about where you both want to be & how the steps you both intend to take to get there, you’ll clear up some of these other issues moving forward.  I wouldn’t bring up past disappointments/broken promises, but that’s me.  Good Luck & please keep us updated!

Post # 27
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I also wanted to add that I notice that you’ve only been married a little over a month. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust to sharing life with someone (I know it took me a while :-P). Your husband may not have even thought about asking you first because this is still pretty new for him. If you communicate with him about it and give him a little time, it might help

Post # 28
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your question is “Would you do this for your MIL?” and my response is yes, in a heartbeat.

I would go to the farthest ends of the earth for my Mother-In-Law.  She is the most incredible woman.  She and my Father-In-Law didn’t pay a dime for our wedding, didn’t pay a dime for our honeymoon.  She and FIL did watch our kids while we went on our honeymoon after our quickie last minute JoP wedding.  I would NEVER expect ANYONE to pay for our wedding, JoP or otherwise. 

I was almost 19 and pregnant and my Mother-In-Law and FIL accepted and welcomed me into their family.  They weren’t embarrassed of me and have always been there for us and our kids.  They’ve always been kind, caring, and fabulous to me.  I would do anything for them at any time of day or night. 

 

Post # 29
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand you’re upset that both your Mother-In-Law and husband just assumed that this would be ok with you, and that is something you definitely need to talk about.

However, if I was in this situation, I would probably let my husband take my car. I mean if we’re married isn’t it really our car that I drive? Also if your husband’s car is old, wouldn’t you prefer that he is safe and doesn’t break down, so you don’t have to go pick him up?

I’m also a teacher, so I understand how hard you work to get things done. But, if you’re Fiance was going to be gone at least 5 hrs, couldn’t you get your lesson plans done then? Then use the left over time for some “me” time, which sounds like something you could use. When your husband returns you have Saturday night and Sunday to have some quality time together. 

Post # 30
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree there are a lot of historical issues in here. 

1st – Let the wedding thing go.  They didn’t offer to pay, they aren’t obligated to, and you shouldn’t hold it over their head for the rest of your life.

2nd – You and your husband need to work out some more “we” things.  Everything in your post referenced your car versus your husbands car, and your money versus his money, etc.  You guys need to figure out a way to function as a couple. 

Lastly, the issue at hand with driving the SIL.  I agree it doesn’t sound like this is going to be a one time type of thing.  I am with you, my weekend time is very valuable to me.  Can your husband take your car while you have some quiet time at home to do work?  If you go, can he do the driving so you can work in the car.  Additionally, I would mention (nicely) to your Mother-In-Law that you are more than happy to do this errand this once, but it really takes a lot of your time and your car is not reliable to be making this trip frequently.  End the conversation politely asking if she could help with gas money (even if its not the whole thing, maybe half which I know isn’t fair but still would help you out). 

Post # 31
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I have a beasty Mother-In-Law so I would say no, can’t do it, we have plans. My Mother-In-Law lives 7 hours from us one way, so a total of 14 hours. She always would demand my DH home, when she caused all the issues after our engagement, she didn’t ask us to come there and work things out, she DEMANDED us there and expected us to drop our lives to drive 14 hours to “work” issues out that SHE created. We both said NO WAY NO HOW, we have BETTER things to do.

That being said, if this was for any other person, like my family, or friends or someone who actually cared and welcomed me into their life, then 100% I would take the ride with my car and pay for the gas. All those things wouldn’t matter if you didn’t have ill feelings for your Mother-In-Law and the situation.

I think your DH needs to understand where your coming from and the feelings that your feeling about your Mother-In-Law, the situation, and even the money part of it that you are feeling taken advantage of by not only HER but him , and he is the last person you should feel that way with. 

I agree with the last post about establishing more of the “we” things, but I do understand that your feeling that he isn’t contributing to anything and that is why there is no ” we”.  For awhile I felt that way sometimes about my DH before we got married, I had bought a house before I met him but I always sometimes felt I was paying more for things like when we went out. When I really looked it I would normally get that when when I was down or sad and had nothing to do with him, I would just get in a mood. I think now that your married you really need to take on the WE role more, but so does he. He can’t just assume that you or even he can take the car and do the drive, he needs to check in with you as your his team now, his partner and vs versa.

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