(Closed) Would you do this for your MIL?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
399 posts
Helper bee

Considering your Mother-In-Law didn’t actually ask you to do it…I would say no.  There is a LOT more going on here than just being a taxi driver, but you are clearly not comfortable with the situation and need to say something. 

First you MUST address the problem with your DH.  He didn’t ask if he could use your car.  It’s one thing to say “babe, Mother-In-Law has asked if I can drive my sister home after girl scouts.  You know I haven’t renewed my AAA and I don’t think my car will make it, is it okay if I use yours?”  It’s completely another to say “he needs to drive his sister back to his parents’ house 2.5 hours away next Saturday” and that I “can come” if I “want.”

I do not like when people assume that because you are married everything is joint.  Money, possessions etc.  Sure that might be the “norm” but it’s not for everyone.  If Mr. G wanted to use my car, he would need to ask.  Yes we’re not married yet, but still, even when we are he would need to ask.  Just as I would never assume it’s okay to take his car without asking. 

Back to the question:  If a friend needed a ride, I would not ask for gas money.  If a friend needed a ride every week that was taking 5 hours of time, and gas I would absolutely ask for gas money!  Doing a favour is one thing.  Being a taxi driver is another.  It’s not clear if this is a one time deal or not…?  It appears Mother-In-Law usually makes arrangements “Usually my Mother-In-Law spends the night and brings her back or goes back and gets her” and this could just be a favour?

Regardless, there is more going on than a ride.  Good luck!

Post # 33
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with the other posters that there seems to be alot of issues here, just not your Mother-In-Law. 

you need to speak to your husband about your money and car issues as someone had said there’s alot of his versus yours, instead of we.  i think you also need to speak to your husband about relationships with inlaws and how comfortable you are with doing favors for them and where the line is drawn.

As for your Mother-In-Law, i think your husband should be the one to tell her whether your going to do this favour or not for her.  It seems like she had asked him possibly not knowing that his car can’t do that distance.  not necessarily trying to avoid asking you or go over you.

lastly if you don’t want to do it, i think thats fair.  but i’d definitely talk to your husband about your comfort zone for doing things for your inlaws, so he doesn’t accept future tasks from them in which you may not want to do.

Post # 34
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

AS annoying as your Mother-In-Law is for asking this favor in the first place and the way she asked it, I think the issue here is between you and your DH. Obviously you have money issues that haven’t been worked out as well as setting boudaries with your in-laws. If I were you, I would be upset that my DH came to me asking if I would join him on Saturday and not asking if it was an option for him to drive his sister in the first place. IMO it’s ridiculous for your Mother-In-Law to ask this of him and she’s clearly taking advantage.

Post # 35
127 posts
Blushing bee

For what I read, you have no outside relationship with you Mother-In-Law other then through your DH. Unless she directly asked me something, like calling ME up to ask ME something, not relaying messages through DH or emailing ME directly, I would not do any sort of favor for her. I don’t think that you are obliagted in any shape or form to do her this favor, especially since having some sort of a relationship with you doesn’t seem very important to her.. Also, no parents are obligated to pay for a wedding, it’s a choice.  But if your MIl would never go out of her way for you, I wouldn’t go out of my way for them.

Post # 36
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

In order to do a favor without resentment, I run through the following:

Don’t do something you weren’t asked to do.

Don’t do something someone else should do for themself.

Don’t do something because you feel sorry for someone.

Don’t do something you don’t want to do.

It also really annoys me when people assume I will do something/don’t have plans, etc.  When this happens, I let the person know I have other plans.  For this, I would do what PP said- tell FH that you have plans which require your car.

Post # 37
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think you need to have a good long talk with your DH about finances and mutual respect before you worry about your Mother-In-Law. It sounds like there’s a lot he’s taking for granted right now.

Post # 38
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yikes you seem to have a lot of issues here… and they dont all seem to be steered towards the Mother-In-Law. If the wedding was a financial issue why didn’t you bring it up before the I do’s? You yoursef said he is out of work…so clearly he couldn’t pay you back now if you tried.

Maybe the Mother-In-Law isn’t thinking you guys being a couple now and what is his is yours and whats yours is his… so, she may not have thought to ask you. However, this was not her place to ask you. When she brought it up with her son it is his repsonsiblity to discuss it with YOU his wife. Not his mother job.

The situation could have been handled… you need to talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel- I know the Hive it great, but it seems like this is something only you can fix by talking with your man.

I wish you well, (honey I know sometimes we just need to vent) Now, that you got it all out take care of business!

Post # 39
1747 posts
Bumble bee

@starry: Maybe once every 3 months or so but not every weekend. I can’t put my life and plans on hold to be transportation backup. No thanks. If I wanted my life to revolve around someone else I would have my own kid. Seriously.

Post # 40
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

For the record, I probably wouldn’t do it either. Or I would do it this one time, but never again, because it’s not fair to just drive people around for 5 hours when you are newlyweds and not even in the same town.

But it does sound like there are some innerlying issues that you need to discuss with your husband. You need to tell him how you feel about how involved his mother is, and how she seems to control the situations. It also seems like you need to talk to him about money issues and work those things out. I can tell from your vent that you and he need to be on the same page. It wouldn’t hurt to just sit down and tell him why you’re so angry about this, and talk about anything else that has been bothering you. Hopefully he will receive it well and think for you better in the future!

Post # 41
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*Sort of* a vent?  Umm, this is the definition of a vent!  😀  Ha ha!

Obviously it makes you mad thinking of spending your time that way.  Your hubs volunteered to do it, so let him go and do it himself.  Having you along for the car ride in a sour mood is not going to be fun in the end.  Pack him some snacks for the road and a nice road trip CD to be a sweet wife, but you don’t have to waste your Saturday sitting in a car since he didn’t ask you before making the commitment.


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