Would you ever attend a wedding and not give a gift to the bride and groom?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Would you ever attend a wedding and not give a gift to the bride and groom?
    No- I would always give a gift or else I would not attend. : (89 votes)
    63 %
    Yes- I would attend a wedding and not give a gift. : (18 votes)
    13 %
    I would only not give a gift if it was a desination wedding or a 2nd wedding : (28 votes)
    20 %
    Other- Please explain in comment : (6 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    blackrosegirl :  *almost* never. as in, under ordinary circumstances, i’d bring a gift. there have been 3 times that i havent. one i was in the bridal party and the bride said “no gifts” from the bridesmaids. another i was in the bridal party and the bride was also in my wedding two weeks later, and i requested my bridesmaids to give us no gifts and we didn’t gift them either – basically, we’re both paying for weddings so let’s skip the gifts kinda thing. we did attend their shower and gift them at that event. last instance, i was being petty. it’s a long story, but one of my best friends totally left me out of her wedding and all pre-wedding events and i was hurt and didn’t get them a gift. they’re now divorced and we’ve made up and she was a bridesmaid of mine. so not my finest hour, but there you have it. otherwise, i always gift $100/person at least (so $200/couple).

    Post # 17
    Member
    5916 posts
    Bee Keeper

    blackrosegirl :  I do agree with you it’s about the gesture not the money.  We had one couple who gave us nothing, not even a card- a co-worker of DH’s and his girlfriend. Of course neither of us has said anything but TBH it’s affected my opinion of him a little, like they just came for the free food and drinks and not for us (he’s shown in other ways unrelated to our wedding that he’s a little selfish and immature, so this only reinforces that opinion). It’s not greed- a nice thoughtful card with a hand written message and a scented candle or bottle of wine would have been lovely and enough. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    554 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I can’t imagine showing up with nothing. As a PP said, I don’t show up to a party at someone’s home empty-handed (without at least a bottle of wine, a 6-pack of beer or SOMETHING). I’m definitely not going to attend a “party” where I know the hosts spent a good deal on my plate and not give them anything.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    As most of us grew up in gift/card giving culture, the idea of showing up to a wedding without at least a card I think is very poor form. Afterall we have cards for all the usual big events – anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc and even small events – getting a new job, moving house, passing exams. Hallmark is full of cards to capitalise on all of life’s milestones haha! However I know some people think cards are outdated and a waste of paper. So while I personally would never not give a card/gift, not eveyone thinks like I do. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    9098 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    We recently flew 1,200 miles for my husband to be best man in a wedding. They didn’t get a physical or monetary gift from us, because that was expensive and a huge pain in the ass for us. They got my husband for multiple days for assistance, fun and support. We did give them a thoughtful card with hand written wishes from the both of us, though.

    That’s gift enough from us. I’m a firm believer that people in the bridal party are giving you their time, and that’s gift enough, however. Under other circumstances, we would bring a gift.

    Post # 22
    Member
    9588 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    Well, twice I’ve given services rather than a gift, so in a way I’ve already done it twice.  Once I was DOC and worked the entire wedding, I also went with the groom who was planning everything to all of the vendor meetings the 8 weeks leading up to it so I’d know the details inside and out. Afterwards, the couple sort of gave me the vibe they were upset I didn’t get them a gift, but all that did was make me feel used rather than guilty.

    Once I did the couple’s engagement photos, the bride’s hair and makeup on the day of, and also baked a few hundred muffins for their guests the next morning.  (Paid for the ingredients and supplies myself.)  They understood that all that was my gift and wrote me a thank you card just like they would for any other gift.

    Would I ever give absolutely nothing, service or physical gift or cash?  No, I don’t think so.  I’d at least get a small $20 item from the registry and a card, even if it was a Destination Wedding that cost us several thousand.  We often pay over $1k per wedding to attend (since our friends are spread all over) and generally give a gift around $100 (which is normal in my social circle), so it’d have to be an exceptionally expensive wedding for us to feel like $20 is more appropriate.

    Post # 23
    Member
    5916 posts
    Bee Keeper

    amanda1988 :  Ugh at that first couple who didn’t count you DOC-ing their entire wedding as a gift. IMO people who gift their services, these are very huge gifts of time & talent & materials and you’d think the couple would be thrilled. Some people suck. I’m glad the second couple showed more class and appreciation. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    9675 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    The only time I didn’t bring a gift to a wedding was my best friend’s wedding. It was a pretty big financial strain already for me to be in and go to the wedding. I really couldn’t afford a gift on top of the other expenses.

    I did get a card but in the craziness of the day I totally forgot it in my car.

    Post # 25
    Member
    43 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I don’t think I’ve ever given a gift for a wedding. For me weddings are about being there to celebrate the union of two people, so my attendance is enough. I’m from Australia and I don’t think the gift giving thing is as big a deal, although maybe some people disagree. I will feel weird if everyone gives me a bunch of stuff or cash at my wedding, it’s not what I want at all. I also don’t need cards. I know everyone wishes me well, I don’t need it written on a generic card.

    Post # 26
    Member
    2455 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I have always given a gift.

    If I was so strapped for cash that I couldn’t afford a $10 (or less) gift, I’m probably at that point that I can’t afford to travel to that wedding in the first place.

    Post # 27
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee

    Any party I am invited to I try to bring a gift. I was involved in a brunch that was not really meant for gifts (50% of those showed up with one) and still brought something. That being said, I factor in whether there was a lot of travel involved and if Im in the bridal party. I still think one of the rudest things I have seen is a bride rolling their eyes on someone giving them a smaller gift because they had to travel (she made a statement, I cant believe that couple only gave me $50. It was a destination wedding that cost them 3K to attend!). Its ok to factor in travel costs and give something lower IMO. It makes me sad some people wouldnt want to go to a wedding because they felt they couldnt afford it.

    Post # 28
    Member
    1739 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    blackrosegirl :  Not only do I give a gift for any wedding I actual attend, I also give gifts to any wedding I’m invited to. Whether or can attend or not. I think it’s in incredibly poor taste to show up to a celebratory event empty-handed.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

    not bringing a gift = bridge burned!! Unless I know that person is going thru severe financial hardship- and even then that person had better at least give a heartfelt handwritten note congratulating me.

    Post # 30
    Member
    533 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I wouldn’t show up to a wedding empty handed. My Darling Husband and I do a card with cash inside. But, for our wedding a lot of our guests didn’t give a gift or card. I’d say about 20 guests. I wasn’t exactly surprised because I think a lot of our guests don’t really know wedding ettiquette anyway but I was still glad they came and supported us! 

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