(Closed) Would you ever forgive your SO for cheating? [long, emotional post]

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I would contact her, explain the situation, and ask her what is going on. Maybe she will tell you, maybe she won’t, but I would want to hear it from her first so I would know if SO was telling me the truth when I asked him about it. I am so sorry this is happening right now! I do think if anything happened your relationship can still work it will just require a lot of effort, forgiveness, and trust building on both of your parts. Hugs!

Post # 4
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Whether or not I would forgive infidelity depends very much on the context.

Instead of sneaking around behind your SO’s back to talk to this girl (which is also a betrayal of trust! Just because he may have done it doesn’t mean it’s okay for you) I would confront my SO directly.

Tell him you felt like something was wrong, so you looked at his phone, and you’re sorry for being invasive. However, you found some stuff on there that pretty obviously requires an explanation, and ask him what happened, and remind him to be honest with you.

If he confesses to you, and you feel that he’s been honest, you have to decide whether or not you can ever trust him again. If you can forgive him and think that the trust can be rebuilt, then you guys have a lot of work to do. If you think you can forgive him, but don’t know if you can trust him again… it’s time to cut him loose.

No matter how much you love someone, you can’t have a real relationship unless you can trust that person, too.

Post # 5
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Forget the girl. I would be honest with him and say “I looked on your phone, I found this.” And ask him to be honest in return about what is going on. It needs to be discussed between you and your SO, not you and the girl.

Post # 6
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@rachelmichelle:  This is much better advice. I just know personally until I talked to the girl I would still doubt my SO if we were in this situation because I would feel like my trust has  already been betrayed. If he tells me the truth after I talk to her I would have a lot more hope for the relationship than if he continued to lie. But you are right, two wrongs don’t make a right. I still can’t say I would make the more moral decision in this situation though (just being honest!) 

Post # 7
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would contact her, but let her know that you aren’t mad at her (he could have played her just as well), so do not assume that she is the bad guy in the situation.  Also, I would call her, not text/email.

And I know this is just my opinion, and many people disagree with it, but I’m extremely against cheating, regardless of the reason it was done, and I would never take back a cheater, whether I thought they would do it again or not.

Post # 8
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@anonforareason:  First: He kicked you out because you were hanging out with your friends instead of staying at home when he wasn’t even there? Is he always this controling?

 

Second, I’d be weirded out by the phone password, as well. I don’t think it was good to snoop, but I know you were concerned and following your gut (who knows, i may have, too)

 

Talk to him. You know this man. If he is lying, you’d probably notice. If you don’t think you would, there are plenty of tells you can study before you have this conversation (expressions, gestures, etc. You can look up studies online)

 

 

But you and this woman have nothing to do with each other. Leave her out of this. Confront your So, and find out what is going on (pack your necessary belongings first, or be prepared to kick him out if you feel you are able)

 

Don’t stay with someone who would belittle and cheat on you, please.

Post # 9
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@anonforareason:  He kicked you out of his house? Really? And you begged him to take you back because?

Forget cheating, are you really willing to be with someone who kicks you out of his house? Who treats you that disrespectfully? Why?

Just kick him out of your life and find someone worthier of his affections. I know, easier said than done but try it. You will be much happier for it. 

Post # 10
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

This would leave me doubting a lot of things. Did he really want you back or did you just talk him into it? It sounds like he’s been looking for something else, found it on the side and was looking for a way out. I’d dump his cheating ass.

Post # 11
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have to say that the timing of when he called her and how it coincided with when he kicked you out seems suspect….especially since he kicked you out just for going out with friends while he was at work.  Even before we were engaged, sure my Fiance might have been pissed if my social lifestyle changed drastically like that, but he’d never kick me out. 

I’m not saying that he doesn’t want to be with you now, but at that time, an alleged affair with that woman may have been clouding his judgement. 

Post # 12
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

He kicked you out for hanging out with your friends? That seems very controlling..

Honestly, if it were me, i’d probably call the girl. It may not be right, but at this point I would feel as though I couldn’t trust what he said, and I would question if he were lying. Once you talk to him about it, there’s every chance he’ll then tell her what to say in the event that you do contact her. I would want to call her, then immediately talk to him and see if their stories matched up. If they do, then you can be pretty sure he’s telling the truth and that would give me hope. This is not the ‘right’ thing to do, but in a situation like this, where there is a suggestive text, a locked phone and he’s been acting differently, I think my trust would be a bit shaken. I’d want to get to the bottom of it.

Personally, I sincerely doubt I would ever stay with a cheater. I’ve never been in that situation (knock on wood) but i’m almost 100% certain I would be gone. However, if you’re willing to work through it, therapy would be a good start. It’ll help with rebuilding trust and improving communication between you two.

Good luck OP.

Post # 13
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i do have to question his behaviour.  it is very suspect. 

calling the other girl does sound tempting but do you really want to involve her?  that being said, you would probably get the whole truth from her.  i greatly doubt that your bf will be that open and honest.

good luck with everything.

Post # 14
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well you may not get an honest answer from the other person either. She may have a SO that she doesn’t want to know and she could lie to you as well or on the opposite side of the equation she could lie to you that they did have an affair because she wants your SO and knows if you are calling her that is the surest way to get the two of you to break up.

 

Post # 15
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Dump him, he sounds controlling and like a lair and sneak.  I think once a cheater always a cheater.  I wouldn’t contact her.  You don’t even know if he’s using protection with other girls or anything. 

Post # 16
Member
44 posts
Newbee

Take advice from someone who has been there….sneaking peeks at your SO’s phone is not healthy. I was in a relationship where my bf cheated on me and I would look at his phone all the time. It’s like a drug, even if I didn’t suspect anything I had to look just for my peace of mind. I would suggest talking to him, be honest and tell him what you saw. If you guys can’t get passed it and he continues to be secretive, end it! I wasted almost six yeaas of my life with a guy like that. do not be with someone you cannot trust 100%. You will make yourself crazy. 

The topic ‘Would you ever forgive your SO for cheating? [long, emotional post]’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors