Post # 47
@weddingbee098: Oh, hell no. My brother’s 40 year old loser stepson STILL lives at home. Apparently, my non-working SIL expects my bro to support her son forever. Oh, and she has to drive him around because he lost his license for failure to pay child support. He can buy weed though!
Indulgent parents create perpetual infants. When you graduate high school it’s time to get a job and go to college. No college then you’re paying rent and you get a couple years to get on your feet before I boot you out. Go to college you can live at home provided you’re not dicking around. Dick around and I start charging you rent and you get a six months to get your shit back on track and keep it there or you’re moving out.
Fall on hard times I’ll help you out. Fall on hard times because you’re irresponsible I’ll try to help you turn things around. If you don’t, out you go and I won’t bail you out again.
Want a car? Great, knock yourself out. Remember that gas and insurance aren’t free. Want a phone?. Get it yourself. Same with clothes, same with anything that costs money – once you’re an adult, you pay for all of it.
Post # 48
@weddingbee098: i am 25. Renting my own flat with my bf of 4 years and am a qualified teacher!!
Parents sound like they are being a hinderence rather than a help. At 16 i had to get a job if i wanted spending money and at 21 i had to pay rent and bill money… Then at 21 i moved out with my dad lending me money which i paid back. It is the parents fault…..
Post # 49
I wouldn’t in the OP’s situation, but I might in others. If they’re in school (and passing most or all of their classes), have a job that just doesn’t quite pay enough but are actively looking for another and/or working towards a promotion, or have health issues, then I definitely could. It would just depend. I’m not going to just let them mooch off of me.
Post # 50
FI’s parents did this with his oldest brother. He went to college at 18, spent 3 years there and earned about 1 semester’s worth of credits. He dropped out, moved to NYC and worked for awhile, while they paid for his therapy, apartment and living expenses. He ended up going back to school in NYC and graduated at 28 or 29 with his BA in English. His parents paid for basically everything the entire time. After 10 years in college, he decided he wanted to go to law school. He took out student loans to finance his education and living expenses, but his parent’s still paid for his car and gave him a credit card that he used and abused over the next 3 years. When he finally graduated, they cut him off entirely – he couldn’t deal with it and bitched and moaned about it for months. Finally, he got a decent job (not a legal job) and is starting to grow up, but he is one of the most immature adults I know and he’s 33 now. He thinks he is deserving of everything just by being himself. He loves to bring up his SAT scores as evidence of how smart and special he is.
And I got better SAT scores than he did.
My point: I would NEVER do this for my kids, unless they were struggling with something really major and needed help. That said, I would be fine with my kids living with me after college for a few years.
Post # 51
@weddingbee098: I was supporting myself through college since I wanted an apartment and not a dorm. For some seriously strange reason I couldn’t wait for the college kid struggle and to succeed on my own. It was totally hard but I did it without help from my parents (although it was offered). So, I’d only support them if they were actively pursuing a degree or freshly out of college and struggling a bit. If they are on the right path and putting in the effort, then yes, I’d help. But, I definitely couldn’t allow my child to “pussy foot through life.”
Post # 52
In the OP’s scenario, absolutely no! There’s no way I’d support a workshy student at the age of 25.
We have grown-up children and our rule was that we would willingly support them through higher education up to undergrad level. If you didn’t go to college then you were expected to go to work! Anyone who thought they could laze their way through college and still be getting their first degree at 25 would certainly have been invited to pay their own indolent way before they got to that age though.
We were, and are, pretty generous parents but we also think that you do your grown up children absolutely no favours at all if you don’t encourage them to take responsibility for supporting themselves.
Post # 53
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Hard to say – I don’t think I could see shunning my own kid to fend for themself on the street, but I hope I’d have taught them enough empathy to understand that taking advantage of mom and dad’s money is “wrong”.
I’d probably put just enough into paying for him/her that the demands of being a young 20-something requires outside work. I’ll pay rent/utilities/food, but if you want a car/gas/insurance, cell phone, cable tv, or internet you better pay for it yourself.
Post # 54
Nope! Nope, nope nope nope. Would I support my kid at 25? If they have a bright and shining future that I could help them reach, yes. They want to go to med school? They’re pursuing their doctorate? They started college late because they were serving in the military? Waiting for financial aid? Traveling the world and gaining cultural knowledge and experience? I’m okay with all of those things. As long as they’re doing something good with their life, something worth living for, I’d be okay with supporting them at 25.
But it sounds like he’s throwing his life away. He needs a dose of reality.
Post # 55
@weddingbee098: In the case you described, absolutely not.
When I was 25, I was living with my mom and collecting unemployment, but I’m college educated and was going on countless interviews plus working as many off the books part time jobs as I could, 3 all at once at one point in time.
I’m more apt to helping those in need who you can see try. Perfect example, I was busting my ass shovelling show last week when this kid from the neighborhood probably 19, 20 just came up and started to help. We chatted a little, he said he shoveled his house and was just looking to help out, told me about an old lady he shovels for who sometimes pays him in sauce haha. He was about to leave and I ran in and grabbed $5 b/c it was all I had on me. He said, “That’s OK, I didn’t want any money” and I said, “I know, that’s why I’m giving it to you.”
Post # 56
I wouldn’t support him unless he was actually working to get his degree instead of partying all the time. If he wanted to party he’d have to get a job to support that.
I might not be as kind as other people about this though… I have a bit of resentment towards my parents for supporting my sister for so long (who, mind you, is in her early 30’s)while I have been independant since I was 20. They paid for 6 years of college that didn’t result in a degree, bought her a townhome that she was SUPPOSED to pay rent on but never could, drive 2hours each way to buy her groceries (despite the fact that she gets food stamps and my dad’s nearly 70!!), etc. etc. They keep saying they’ll make it fair between us, but they’ve already tapped into their retirement money to help her out. FYI I don’t feel entitled to their money or anything, in fact I told them not to worry about it because I want them to build their retirement money back up. Told them that they have to stay with her when they get old though, because she’s the one that got all the benefits! It was their choice to enable her poor money/time management skills and they see how much that has affected her to this day. The worst part is that she feels entitled to every generous thing they do for her, never thanks them for things, and fully expects them to pay in full for her future wedding (not yet engaged).
ETA: Sorry this turned into a rant, I just hate seeing my parents kindness and generosity getting taken advantage of. I love my family very much and despite my sister’s shortcomings she’s the kindest person on the planet. I just wish she could take care of herself and let my old man retire someday.
Post # 57
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
@weddingbee098: I would not support a child like this. Now, I have to say, at 25 I was divorced with one child and another on the way and my parents supported me more than they should have. They are always there when I need them. However, I have been paying them back a lot lately and will continue to do so in anyway possible.
Now, if my child was in college because they started late, or was in a prgram (ie becoming a doctor) that took that long I would definitely still help them out in anyway possible.
Post # 58
@weddingbee098: HELL NO! If that was my kid they would have been cut off by then.
Post # 59
Well, I’m 25 and I live it home. It’s a high cost of living, high unemployment area, so most of my friends live with family. It’s not ideal to say the least, and I certainly hope that the economy changes enough for my kids to be self sufficient at an earlier age, but I would help support a responsible young adult child that was working or in school.
Post # 60
I think it depends on the kid.
My parents are still supporting my 22 year old brother. He should be graduating this year but is technically only a sophomore. He parties alot, is way too involved in his fraternity and takes minimum amount of credits each semester. I don’t get it. This is a constant source of conflict between my parents and I because it is just outrageous. He needs some tough love. Why graduate and become an adult when you can just live in a nice house, party all the time and have your parents foot the bill for it all? My parents are not poor though, they are well off and can afford it, but it doesn’t mean they should.
Post # 61
it depends on the situation. my friend’s parents support her 30 year old brother. i’m not sure what he graduated with, but he cannot find a well paying job. he’s tried. he doesn’t make enough to live where he lives and his parents supplement his income.
on the otherhand, this friend is a teacher. her roommate moved out when she got married and my friend could not afford her mortgage on her own. she was uncomfortable with a stranger living with her so her parents supplement her income as well.
i see no problem with this.