(Closed) Would you forgive a friend that really deeply burned you?

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Would you forgive a friend that backstabbed you?

    No way - you betray me, you're dead to me.

    Maybe, a civil hello but that 's all.

    Yes, I would try and work it out.

    I would wait for the backstabber to make the first move. (which may never come)

    Move on with life and don't look back

  • Post # 2
    Member
    8983 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    Sunshine09:  None of the poll options, I would just move on. I wouldn’t reach out. To me, being civil is just treating someone like you’d treat any stranger. If you happen to find yourself in the same room, either ignore them or if they say hi, calmly say it back. So, it’s not that they’re dead to me, it’s just that I don’t really care about them any more. I sure wouldn’t be waiting for them to make a first move, and even if they did, I’d be very guarded. Sorry your friend hurt you, and I hope you’ve got some good ones to make up for it.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    Sunshine09:  I didn’t answer the poll because I think it depends. I am one of those people that used to put up with A LOT. In the past few years I had a couple of friends backstab me in different ways- but if we were to be honest, I had been walking on eggshells around them and the “friendships” had suffered long before their final act that had me cutting them off.

    I have always tended to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations or forgive them repeatedly, and am told often that I am “too nice”. I feel like I have gotten better at standing up for myself and not taking anyone’s crap in the past few years after a particularly painful “break up” with a close friend.

    If it was something that was out of character and I feel like I could get over it, then yes I would give them the benefit of the doubt and try to work through it if they were genuinely apologetic. If they were continuously doing shady things or doing things that were deliberately malicious, then NO I would tell them to bite the curb or ghost them completely.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7462 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Im not sure why anyone would want to rekindle a friendship with someone who could do that. How would you ever trust them again? If they felt that saying awful things about you was okay then, why would they change now? If the person has not reached out to you to apologize, it is likely they either still feel the same way (believe the hateful things they said) or they don’t feel they’ve done anything wrong. I wouldn’t want anything to do with them in either of those situations. I think it is best to let it go and move on. This person wasn’t a true friend and it will likely only bring you more pain if you try to reach out to a person like that.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2394 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I picked two options – “move on with your life” because that’s exactly what I would do, and “maybe a civil hello” in case I ran into her at the grocery store or something. I definitely wouldn’t reach out.

    Post # 7
    Member
    11391 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I’ve been back stabbed by a good friend in a way I could forgive but this is not that.

    I can’t forgive a shitty character with no integrity and no loyalty. I also cant stand people like this who are best buddies to your face and gossip behind the backs of all of their friends. It bores me, it’s stupid and mean, and it’s indicative of a very insecure, uninteresting person. 

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I think it depends on the age of the person at the time. My BFF did something like to to me when we were both 17. We grew up together so it hurt me deeply. We reconnected in our mid 20s and are back to being best friends again. Normally someone is dead to me, but I feel like people grow and change (hopefully anyway). If someone was already an adult and did this i’d move on.

    Post # 9
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I have been there before. with someone I considered my best friend – we’ll call her D. When it all came to a head, she apologized to me and I forgave D.  For a while, I tried to continue with things as they had been – but after a while I realized I was the only one trying to reach out.  So, I decided I would stop trying and see if she put in any effort.

    She didn’t.  So, the friendship died.

    Later she ended up cheating on her husband with my other best friend’s (call her V) boyfriend. D and the cheating boyfriend ended up moving in together and getting engaged – although they are on the outs now.  The boyfriend (also a friend of mine) tried to get me to be friends with D again, telling me how much she needs a good friend like me, and how he wishes I could be there for her.  I fully admit to having a hero complex, and a strong urge to help people.

    I wanted to help her, just like I wanted to when we first met and I found out what a hard life D had, but she had hurt me so deeply that I felt hesitant. It was hard because I remember the time when D was the person I would have done anything for, and who I thought would do anything for me.

    A few days after this conversation with the boyfriend, D herself sent me a message on Facebook apologizing and asking forgiveness. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I talked to my Mom.  My Mom is normally very soft and forgiving.

    I was very surprised when she said this: “If you really want to be friends with D again then do it.  But know that she is not allowed to set foot in this house. I don’t want people in my home who treat my children the way she treated you. I don’t care if she’s changed. She is not welcome here.”

    In the end I decided it wasn’t worth it. I just didn’t respond to the message. I guess I could have, but I already forgave her in the beginning. I didn’t need to do it again. I already have a life full of good people who love me, friends who really care, and being friends with her would cause tension with V who she also betrayed. Maybe she needs me, but I don’t need her – and sometimes you have to think about yourself.

    I like to think that people can change, but they have to go through extreme circumstances to arrive at those changes.

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  AppleDainty.
    Post # 10
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee

    This happened to me with one of my best friends who I knew for 19 years.  She starting talking about me behind my back and backstabbed me after I got married.  I confronted her about it and she denied everything and I chose to stop being friends with her.  I gave her several opportunities to come clean but she couldn’t, even when I caught her, and I decided I had to let our friendship go as I have no room in my life for someone that is so jealous, petty, and conniving.  It really hurts because she was one of my bestest friends and even a bridesmaid in my wedding party!  But in hindsight, I think it was brewing for a while because she has a history of beoming very jealous of good friends and just dropping and backstabbing them because she can’t be happy for anyone and won’t improve her own life.  In the end, like others have said, it wasn’t worth it for me to hold on to the friendship. It’s painful when I go to gatherings and have to see her there and I just ignore her. She hasn’t changed and is still the same jealous, petty person she always was.  I don’t think I will ever forgive her.  It’s hard for me to forgive people who backstab me…especially when it was a close friend.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    1496 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    Sunshine09:  Did she apologize to you? Or does she know you know? I don’t know how much she talked behind your back, but honestly,  we all do it. I doubt you could say you’ve never talked behind a friend’s back before. Sometimes we do things that upset the other and the other just needs to vent. 

    I had a friend who constantly talked behind my back, and I knew because our mutual friends told me everything she would say about me. I stayed friends with her and never confronted her because it didn’t really bother me. I found it amusing actually. 

    But if it was a constant thing, and has been going on a long time and really bugs you, the friendship isn’t worth it.

    ETA: sorry I read the post fast. Hate gossip is different than just talking behind a person’s back, so if she said stuff to imply she didn’t like you as a person and wanted others to see that – that’s totally different and she’s not worth your time. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee

    This is a tough one as I have been the one to forgive and reconnect only to have it happen again (with 2 different close friends actually). So I would vote to move on. It’s going to happen again and the friendship will never be the same, unfortunately. It’s almost like getting back with an ex-there’s a reason it did not work out the first time. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1352 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    Sunshine09:  I wouldn’t be friends with that person, not necessarily because they did something mean to me (which I can get over), but because I don’t want to interact with anyone who acts like a 16-year-old highschooler.

    Post # 14
    Member
    553 posts
    Busy bee

    I think that’s an individual thing that depends upon entire history together and whether or not the person was even sorry and wanted to make amends.  But most of the time it’s best to move on.  I had one friend who talked about me and I just let things go bc of things she was going through in her life, and I figured that she would eventually cut the nonsense once she got through all that.  Nope, never happened, and she never felt any remorse or anything for doing me wrong.  But there could be a situation where someone is truly sorry, I just think those situations tend to be rare, unfortunately.

    Post # 15
    Member
    13905 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I had a friend like this.  Honestly, after the last time she said nasty things (actually to my face), I just stopped talking to her.  I didn’t need her negativity or drama.  It’s been a year, and it’s been way less stressful for me. I see her occasionally because we have some of the same friends, and when we do, it’s a very civil hello with no extended conversation.  I’m not interested in her life, nor do I want it perceived that I’d like to continue on the sham of a friendship that we had.

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