Post # 1
Back to my anon account for this one:
My old best friend recently contacted me via my mom’s facebook (she sent her a private message) asking to let me know shes been considering getting into contact with me for the last little while and that she would like to get together for a coffee.
Backstory: This girl and I were very good friends for around 6 years, towards the end of the friendship she got pretty possessive of me (I think she was jealous of my relationship with my Boyfriend or Best Friend – who is now DH). She was a pretty big A-hole to me and fell into a cycle of destructive behavior to herself (drinking and driving, hard drug use, etc.)
Anyways, at the time I was really hurt by the way she acted towards me but looking back I just feel bad for her.
I don’t really know how I feel about her reaching out to me after ~5 years of not talking and after the decline of our friendship. I’ve completely moved on with my life (married now, with a baby) and she is in the process of getting her life back together (shes returning back to school to update her degree)
Have any of you been in a situation like this? Should I just leave her in the past or see what it is that she has to say?
PS – I know she also contacted my current best friend with a similar message (we were all very close back when we were all friends) and current best friend replied to her FB message kindly, but has no intentions of talking more with her due to her past drug abuse and etc.
So bees what do you think?
Post # 2
somethingnew : To just your question in general, yes I would (and have). I just greatly lowered my expectations and we honestly have a really good relationship now, though very different than before.
I’d give you the same advice. It sounds like she was going through ALOT and is overhauling her life. Being at different life stages, who knows what would come of this, but it is worth revisiting if you both have tempered expecations (aforementioned ex-bff and I are at similar life stages now, and previously were not. She and I became besties in kindergarten and we are 30-ish now).
Post # 3
What does your intuition say? Sounds like she might be a serious risk due to past drug abuse (i.e., asking for money, inappropriate behavior around your baby, etc.). People definitely come back from these things, but I’d test the waters before committing. Go have coffee and treat it as an interview, without conveying your intentions so she does not have a motive to act dishonestly. Good luck!
Post # 4
I would give her a second chance as I’ve known some very good people who weren’t very good people at rough patches during their lives. An important part of their recovery is reaching out to people they have hurt and apologizing and trying to rebuild that relationship. We should be forgiving and open to it. With that said, at the first sign of the same old toxic messiness, I’d put an end to it permanently
Post # 5
somethingnew : I’ve been in a similar situation where I gave an old friend a second chance (she started treating me badly and talked crap about me to others). She ended up burning me again in the end when I was once again no longer useful to her. Honestly, what your describing is seriously creepy. It sounds like this girl was obsessed with you and I would stay far far away.
Post # 6
emailing / phoning her and maybe a coffee…. yes for sure
letting her move in or naming her my kids godparent …. no way!
just make sure you have boundries and are clear about them and take thing “slow”
she might end up being a wonderful great person with many great years ahead of her or she could be a loser that just wants to blame you for everything that happened wrong in her life
Post # 7
somethingnew : It depends. I would say that I have lost, in my entire life, two really good friends. One kind of tossed ignitire fluid on our relationship and flicked a match at it while she cackled off into the sunset, so I am never talking to that crazy bitch again. Another girl, however, was my high school best friend. We grew apart because I found out she talked about me behind my back and just did typical “mean girl” stuff, like not inviting me out, but posting pictures all over MySpace (did I just date myself a bit?) or I would tell her something in confidence, but then she’d tell other people in our mutual group of friends. It really took getting close to my current bestie for me to realize that she was just being a bitch. So, I ended the friendship. We had a massive blowout, I said my peace and then that was it. I left it.
She ended up deactivating all social media a year or so later, so I never saw her. However, we still shared custody of our other bestie, so I heard updates on her life from time to time. Within the last year or so, I’ve bumped into her more, we follow each other on social media, etc. and though we are friendly, we will never be “friends” again. I just can’t trust her enough for that.
If this friend truly did you no harm, there doesn’t seem to be a reason why you can’t reconnect. She may just be looking for some closure or someone to connect with.
Post # 8
Hm. I’d be open to getting a coffee or something I think (if you want to!) and just gauge how she is. Perhaps she has herself sorted now and feels she needs to clear things up with you. Why is she contacting your mum and friend though and not you? Did you guys delete contacts?
Post # 9
Hmm. I would probably be open to having a coffee with her and seeing what she’s like now and what she has to say for herself. And then see how you feel about having her in your life again after that.
Like PPs have said, it’s important for people in recovery to rebuild failed r’ships with people who have been hurt by their substance use. I would give her a second chance if I were in your shoes.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
If I’m content and happy with life in general, which is the case now, then no I wouldn’t bring this person back into my life. You’ve moved on and grown out of the relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you feel like she’ll add some meaning or joy to your life and vice versa then give her a second chance with lowered expectations and boundaries as stated above. But you can decide not to rekindle this friendship without being mean or hurting her feelings if thats a concern. If you’re only considering this out of pity I definitely wouldn’t do so.
Post # 11
Honestly people make mistakes and screw things up. You sound so seriously judgemental of her it’s not even funny. I’ve gone down that road before, the drugs, drinking, etc. and it took a little bit for me to get my life back together. At the time I went through something REALLY difficult and kept it to myself, I dealt with that for a long time and went through heavy stuff because of this traumatic experience. People deal in different ways, you’re only seeing your side of the situation and honestly there’s probably more to the story.
You’d do well to take off your judgemental hat and wonder if she’s reaching out to you for one reason or another. If you’re going to sit there all high and mighty because you feel you’re so accomplished and she isn’t do both of you a favour and decline the invitation.
Post # 12
Simply listening to what someone has to say isn’t necessarily giving them a chance at full access back into your life. If she’s on the road to putting her life together and substance abuse has been an issue, is it possible that she is working through a recovery program and simply wants to make amends? She may not even want to pursue a further friendship – she may just want to apologize. She’s not asking you to be BFFs with her again – she’s simply asking for an opportunity to chat over coffee. Being a kind person who is simply willing to listen for a couple of hours over coffee costs you nothing except a couple hours of your time and the price of a cup of coffee. You can decide then about whether you want to pursue a renewed relationship with her after hearing her out and feeling out the situation. Or, assuming she at least wanted to apologize at the minimum but you don’t want anything further after that, you can simply say “I appreciate that you’ve reached out like this to make amends and I’m glad you’re getting your life back together. I really hope for the best for you, but too much time has passed for us to go back to what we were.” Or something similar.
Post # 13
thesoontobemrsv : I really don’t see where (how?) I’ve come off judgey or high and mighty.. I genuinely hope she’s in a better place in life now regardless if I choose to talk to her or not. I only clearly stated that I’ve moved on in life because I have completely different priorities compared to when her and I were friends (husband, kid, bills etc) not because I feel that I’m better than her because of these things.
weddingventing : majormeow : annabananabee : That’s one of the things thats stuck with me. That making amends is part of the recovery process. I’m obviously not positive that is in fact where shes at but incase it is i definitely don’t want to hinder that.
littlemisshostess : one of the things i was considering doing was just giving her my email address at first and feeling the situation out, but when i mentioned doing that to Darling Husband he thought it could be taken as kind of cold, does it?
nonablu : Her contacting my mom to get a message to me doesn’t shock me, I haven’t had a FB in years and she has no knowledge of my email or phone number.
Post # 14
somethingnew : you could always ask you mom/friend to give you her email address and reach out to her first using even a dedicated annon email and see how it goes – if she seems decent and normal proceed from there but if she is sending hate mail then you know what to do