Post # 1
I’m going to try to put this into words as best I can. I feel extremely conflicted. I have one child, who took me 2 years and IVF to conceive. I love him to pieces and feel so grateful for him as I wasn’t sure that I would be able to have a biological child. Darling Husband and I are discussing when to return to our fertility clinic for a second child, but out of nowhere I’m starting to envison life with only one child. I never imagined Myself having only one child (ever), but all of a sudden the idea seems appealing to me. I dont know if its the fear of having to struggle with infertility again or I feel that our family could have a better quality of life with only one child.With only one child we could do so much more for our DS and our family, like travel and we could easily afford for me to be a stay at home mom, which I would love. I Can’t imagine we could swing a Stay-At-Home Mom with two children. But Im terrified that I could possibly regret not having a second child one day. I will admit that many days I find myself exhausted and overwhelmed with juggling work, home and DS. I think I would be a much happier person being a stay at home mom, but is this worth Giving up having a second child? For those who have one child do you ever regret not having two? Would anyone give up having more then one child to afford to be a stay at home mom?
Post # 2
We went through IVF too for our daughter and I’m pregnant again with #2. Do you have frozen embryos or would you have to go through the whole process again? Question, why do you say you could afford to be a Stay-At-Home Mom with one child but not with two? I’m not understanding that part, because to me having two kids makes it more affordable to be a Stay-At-Home Mom since you need to put two in daycare if you work! Right now we can afford to send my daughter to daycare but I’m being forced to take a year off of work with this next baby since the cost of daycare for both of them is more than my paycheck!
Post # 3
ilikepinacoladas : I’m growing #2 right now. I fully expect to love it just as much as the first, but if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have another. Only children are fine, but having a companion just seems so much better. Granted you never know the personalities you’ll get, but when I watch my husband’s family together… I want that for my son. My sister and I don’t always get along well, even as adults, but I wouldn’t trade her in either. And my son has zero chance of cousins his age. So here we are. It’ll cost more and I’ll be tired longer, but in the long run the benefit, for both, seems higher.
Have you considered adoption if you don’t want to do IVF again? It solves at least one problem of those you listed.
Post # 4
skunktastic : adoption is often a much longer and more expensive process than IVF. It took my friend longer to adopt her son than for me to go through 2.5 years of infertility and two rounds of IVF. She spent far more money than me too.
Post # 5
ilikepinacoladas : I think this is just such a personal choice. In my opinion, I would rather give my daughter the gift of a sibling than a stay at home mom/nicer trips/nicer things. Once your son is in school the Stay-At-Home Mom factor loses some value. I am biased because I have a very close relationship witb my sister, and I know this is not always the case. Have you crunched all the numbers yet? If you’re paying for child care now, maybe you could swing staying home with two since that cost would be negated?
Post # 6
I always thought I’d have 2 kids. Always. But you know what? Things change. Plans change. Feelings change. Circumstances change. We have one 16 month old son and he is wonderful. But I’m pretty sure he’s it for me. It’s weird since I never ever thought I’d only have one child, but that’s what makes me happy now.
Post # 7
hollyberry4 : we have three frozen embryos but also had to use 3 to get our DS. We are extremely lucky that we don’t pay for childcare as my mom and Mother-In-Law watch my DS. they would also watch our 2nd child if and when the time came. I’m thinking about it in the day to day costs to raise a 2nd child. We could afford to lose my salary if we have one child, but I dont think we could afford to lose my salary and then raise 2 children.
Post # 8
I get where you’re coming from. We have one baby now and I feel like our family is “complete” in a way…it’s really hard to imagine a second, even though in theory we do think we want a second. We like going out to eat and traveling, which is pretty doable with one baby but I imagine a much bigger hassle and expense with two. and right now I stay home while also working part time, which is really nice and probably not something I could swing if I had two little ones to look after.
i also am not sure I agree with pp about the need to give one’s first child “the gift of a sibling,” but as an only child myself I’m probably biased there. I dunno. I feel like if you have an only child you could give them plenty of other equally valuable “gifts,” like staying home with them, having more money to spend on their education and whatever else, etc. it’s all so subjective and so many unknowns with kids!
Post # 9
What does your husband want?
At the end of the day there isn’t one right answer, there is just what’s right for your family.
Post # 10
beethree : I’m trying to sort out my feelings before discussing it more with my Darling Husband, but my understanding is that he does not feel strongly either way and could be happy as a family of 3 or 4.
Post # 11
ilikepinacoladas : Would it be an option to have 2 kids and work part-time? Just throwing that out there, it could be a compromise between the other two options.
Ultimately this is such a personal choice, no one can tell you what is best for you and your family. There are pros and cons to each.
Post # 12
This is such a personal decision. We have already agreed when we do have a child it’ll be one and done. If it doesn’t happen for us naturally we would likely accept it and be child free. Our city is expensive and we want our child to be able to participate in extra curriculars and family trips, university, and have a good chunky retirement fund. I don’t think anyone owes anything to their first born to give them a sibling though. You do what’s right for your family.
Post # 13
As a sibling I would much rather have my siblings than have had my parents been able to pay for more activities. Activities and nicer material things come and go. My siblings are for life!
That being said, I’m not cut out for completely staying at home. I get bored easily and need other outlets. And I find kids easier when they have a built in friend to play with and figure out interpersonal relationships, conflict resolution, sharing, unconditional love, ect..
Post # 14
As someone who isn’t close to her sibling or cousins (for no particular reason!) I find that concept overrated. Sharing DNA is no guarantee you’ll get on and I made plenty of friends through nursery and school. You need to do what’s right for you and your life whilst trying to ignore the pretty massive societal pressures against choosing to only have one child.