Would you give up having a 2nd child for more opportunities/ stay at home mom?

posted 2 weeks ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We went through IVF too for our daughter and I’m pregnant again with #2. Do you have frozen embryos or would you have to go through the whole process again? Question, why do you say you could afford to be a Stay-At-Home Mom with one child but not with two? I’m not understanding that part, because to me having two kids makes it more affordable to be a Stay-At-Home Mom since you need to put two in daycare if you work! Right now we can afford to send my daughter to daycare but I’m being forced to take a year off of work with this next baby since the cost of daycare for both of them is more than my paycheck!

Post # 3
Member
6229 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

ilikepinacoladas :  I’m growing #2 right now. I fully expect to love it just as much as the first, but if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have another. Only children are fine, but having a companion just seems so much better. Granted you never know the personalities you’ll get, but when I watch my husband’s family together… I want that for my son. My sister and I don’t always get along well, even as adults, but I wouldn’t trade her in either. And my son has zero chance of cousins his age. So here we are. It’ll cost more and I’ll be tired longer, but in the long run the benefit, for both, seems higher. 

Have you considered adoption if you don’t want to do IVF again? It solves at least one problem of those you listed. 

Post # 4
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

skunktastic :  adoption is often a much longer and more expensive process than IVF. It took my friend longer to adopt her son than for me to go through 2.5 years of infertility and two rounds of IVF. She spent far more money than me too. 

Post # 5
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

ilikepinacoladas :  I think this is just such a personal choice. In my opinion, I would rather give my daughter the gift of a sibling than a stay at home mom/nicer trips/nicer things. Once your son is in school the Stay-At-Home Mom factor loses some value. I am biased because I have a very close relationship witb my sister, and I know this is not always the case.  Have you crunched all the numbers yet? If you’re paying for child care now, maybe you could swing staying home with two since that cost would be negated? 

Post # 6
Member
6580 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I always thought I’d have 2 kids. Always. But you know what? Things change. Plans change. Feelings change. Circumstances change. We have one 16 month old son and he is wonderful. But I’m pretty sure he’s it for me. It’s weird since I never ever thought I’d only have one child, but that’s what makes me happy now. 

Post # 8
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I get where you’re coming from. We have one baby now and I feel like our family is “complete” in a way…it’s really hard to imagine a second, even though in theory we do think we want a second. We like going out to eat and traveling, which is pretty doable with one baby but I imagine a much bigger hassle and expense with two. and right now I stay home while also working part time, which is really nice and probably not something I could swing if I had two little ones to look after.

i also am not sure I agree with pp about the need to give  one’s first child “the gift of a sibling,” but as an only child myself I’m probably biased there. I dunno. I feel like if you have an only child you could give them plenty of other equally valuable “gifts,” like staying home with them, having more money to spend on their education and whatever else, etc. it’s all so subjective and so many unknowns with kids!

Post # 9
Member
5974 posts
Bee Keeper

What does your husband want? 

At the end of the day there isn’t one right answer, there is just what’s right for your family.

Post # 11
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

ilikepinacoladas :  Would it be an option to have 2 kids and work part-time? Just throwing that out there, it could be a compromise between the other two options.

Ultimately this is such a personal choice, no one can tell you what is best for you and your family. There are pros and cons to each.

Post # 12
Member
740 posts
Busy bee

This is such a personal decision. We have already agreed when we do have a child it’ll be one and done. If it doesn’t happen for us naturally we would likely accept it and be child free. Our city is expensive and we want our child to be able to participate in extra curriculars and family trips, university, and have a good chunky retirement fund. I don’t think anyone owes anything to their first born to give them a sibling though. You do what’s right for your family. 

Post # 13
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

As a sibling I would much rather have my siblings than have had my parents been able to pay for more activities. Activities and nicer material things come and go. My siblings are for life! 

That being said, I’m not cut out for completely staying at home. I get bored easily and need other outlets. And I find kids easier when they have a built in friend to play with and figure out interpersonal relationships, conflict resolution, sharing, unconditional love, ect..

Post # 14
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

As someone who isn’t close to her sibling or cousins (for no particular reason!) I find that concept overrated. Sharing DNA is no guarantee you’ll get on and I made plenty of friends through nursery and school. You need to do what’s right for you and your life whilst trying to ignore the pretty massive societal pressures against choosing to only have one child.

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