(Closed) Would you go?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would go for two reasons:
One – to show a united front with Darling Husband and to let his aunt (and the entire family know) that you are a unit and you are not intimidated by anyone who wants to be negative influences on your lives.

Two – It could be a good opportunity to connect with his relatives and if it goes well (as in, she doesn’t go all psycho) then it might be a way for Darling Husband to re-establish ties with relatives who can be positive.

But mostly for reason one.  Kill ’em with kindness but maybe have an escape plan in place just in case – a code word or something so you can get out if things get awkward or she goes psycho…

Good luck!  Let us know how it goes!

Post # 4
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i understand that she was rude and hurt your dh’s feelings by not going to the wedding and ignoring you, but she’s reaching out now. why would he go meet her just to tell her she’s not welcome in his life?

i wouldn’t go meet someone who finally made an effort to connect just to say leave me alone. either do that by phone and don’t meet her, or let her try again and meet her. if she’s still not welcoming or if she’s rude when you’re together, then tell her she’s not welcome in your lives. it sounds like she wants another chance, so you and dh need to decide if she deserves it.

Post # 5
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would absolutely go.  Honestly, I think you are reading too much into it and I think you want to be mad at her so you’re misinterpreting things.

You say her email was “cold” but from what you posted, it seems quite friendly to me.  She said that she would “love” you meet up!  Yes – she didn’t make any small chit-chat to start the email but many people view email as very informal and don’t often make small talk within in.  They just make their point/ ask their question and leave it at that.  I honestly don’t think her email sounds rude at all.

You also say that she didn’t want to meet with you but I also don’t see that at all.  Just because she didn’t call you out by name doesn’t mean that her statements “love to get to see you” and “I sure do hope you have time for me” aren’t refering to a plural “you” as in both you and your Darling Husband.  Again – a very common use of the word and its a word that it often isn’t obvious (especially over email) whether it is plural of singular.  You’re reading it as singular because you want her to be being rude.

Yes – maybe there was some tension between you guys over the wedding (although I can understand an aunt and uncle’s disappointment in you guys choosing not to invite your cousins that is your choice but it is also their choice to decide to not attend because of it), it seems to me that the aunt is reaching out and trying to re-build the bridge.  It’s kind of a slap in the face to ignore her attempts to make things right/better.

Post # 6
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! It may be hard, it may be awful, but in the end she won’t be able to report back that “His wife is never with him. His wife doesn’t care for the family. I travelled all that way and his wife couldn’t make time for me. His wife was too scared to meet me.” etc, etc.

This will probably be hard for your husband too and he will need your support. He has also already said that she can meet you and it would be rude to then not show up. 

As @AnamCara: said, you want to show a united front and to kill them with kindness. Just be as nice and accommodating as possible in order to limit the negative things she can report. Ways to do this are to constantly ask about how she is, or how her children are. What do they do? How old are they? Are they well? How was Christmas? Especially if she wanted them to be invited to the wedding. Most people love to talk about themselves. 

The best of luck, I’m sure that it will be fine, what’s the worst that can happen? 

Post # 8
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@AnamCara: I couldn’t agree with you more!

Showing a united front is so important, and also showing her that you’re not going to back down from where you stand in terms of your Mother-In-Law is also very important. I think it’s great that she reached out to him, and his response to her was perfect. You should absolutely go and don’t let her scare you into not going.

Post # 9
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I believe that no matter how horrible people can act sometimes, most are inheritly good so it’s really important to forgive if it seems like someone wants to be forgiven. Especially family. So I would say go, you are tied to this woman by marriage now. Let Darling Husband do the talking and deciding about what your relationship will be with her, but go to support your husband, don’t make him do it alone.

You never know, it could be a good meeting. Sometimes people don’t outright apologize because they feel awkward, but you can tell they’re sorry. Look for that and hope for the best. But if she disappoints you then you will know for sure she won’t be in your life anymore.

Post # 10
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

So glad you have decided to go.  Showing his family you are a united front and possibly setting the record straight re:Mother-In-Law could really help make positive steps to having a relationship with his family.  Good luck!

Post # 11
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@ams12:I think the response is a bit over the top. Why tell your family that they can not be a part of your life b/c the did not RSVP and come to the wedding? That’s a little dramatic. It’s family.

Post # 13
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you’re reading way too much into her message, and that it was not rude at all. Her actions surrounding your wedding were rude, yes, but not the letter. I see it as a “hey, i’m in town, let’s get together” casual message. I don’t think she was actually excluding you. Just because she didn’t specifically call you out doesn’t mean she was excluding you. She may just consider you and your husband a unit now, and didn’t feel the need to explain it. When I email my girlfriend back home that i’m in town, the email sounds much the same, and I fully expect to be hanging out with her and her husband!

Post # 14
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I wouldn;t go but I run from family drama. I have an amazing immediate family but a crazy extended family. They are over-dramatic and like to stir up trouble. I don’t focus on them at all and I only see them when i have to

Post # 15
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I didn’t read the rest of the responses but I think you should go and pretend like her rude behavior (with the RSVP) didn’t/doesn’t impact your happiness ONE BIT.  I don’t think her email to your husband was all that strange (although, I understand why it would strike a cord).

If she starts to create drama, you can always up and leave.  

I think your husband wrote the perfect response and think it’s nice that his aunt reached out to him.

I think you should really believe that she has good intentions, until she proves otherwise.  You might even like her (and I’m guessing your husband will find a positive attitude from you about going supportive and helpful)

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