Post # 17
Just an aside, it probably had more to do with how their mom felt about it than they did (depending on how old they were). Even just little comments or overheard conversations that their mom may have made could have swayed their decision to side with their mom. I’ve seen it and it’s sad, but as long as your Fiance and you make the effort to include your DS and make him feel like he’s just as much a part of the family then it won’t be an issue. This sibling wouldn’t be a “step” sibling, it would be a half sibling!
I have two “half sisters”, my Dad adopted them and then my parents had me and I never think of them as anything less than my sisters. My oldest sister (who was 8 when I was born) and I had the hardest time getting along when we were younger, and I’m sure she didn’t want me around… But now that we are adults she is the one I’m closest with (although we are all super close) and have the most in common with. If you don’t make the “half sibling” thing a big deal then your son will just have a new brother or sister… No need for halves. 🙂
Post # 18
This is not a decision for a 5 year old to make. I’d have another baby.
Post # 19
Thats such mature reasoning of your son! Most kids can’t articulate what there issue is.
I think you need to make the decision, but also help your son to see why it would be so much fun to have a baby around! And give him some “big boy” jobs that the baby wouldn’t be able to do, so he still feels important.
Also, maybe start having “daddy days” or something with your Fiance, and make sure he knows they’ll still happen once the baby is there (make sure they do happen!) and that might help him to not feel left out.
I think you can make this work as long as you put in the effort to keep him involved and almost turn it into a game. He just doesn’t want to lose what he has, so show him how much he’ll be gaining!
Maybe get him thinking about names (for the middle name) so he feels included. There’s a lot you can do to make sure he’s not left out! =)
EDIT: I think it’s really nice of you to consider his feelings like this, I think that’s a great sign that you’ll manage to make this work.
Post # 20
Oh geez, if you and your Fiance want a baby, go get busy and stop worrying about what a 5 year old child thinks about it. I feel sort of sad about what your DS said about the baby/”real dad” thing. But it’s love that makes a family, not blood alone. Chances are your DS will be thrilled and love being a big brother. 🙂 Kids adapt fast, and like a PP said, his reasonings are too immature at this phase in his life.
Post # 21
To be honest, why would I ever let a 5 year old dictate my life choices? I’m an adult, he’s a child… I make decisions, not him. If my child was having some emotional issues surrounding having a new sibling I would certainly take every measure to help my child adjust and develop a healthy and positive outlook to the new change. But if you let your guilt about your child’s paternal situation influence your choice to expand your family, you will end up regretting it. Plus I think your son will have many more benefits having a sibling than not.
Post # 22
I don’t have children, but I certainly wouldn’t let a 5 year old dictate how many kids I have. 5 year olds don’t even know what they want. He probably has some irrational fear about sharing the spotlight and not getting enough attention and whatnot – he’s a kid, so it’s totally understandable. But, he doesn’t know what will actually happen and how happy he might be to have a little brother/sister. If that’s what you and your Fiance want, then that’s what you should do – your kid will learn to deal with it, as he should, since life doesn’t always give you what you want and you have to learn to put up with it and move on. If you really want a child psych, I would pressure your pediatrician more into giving you a referral – or find a new ped.
Post # 23
5 year olds say all kinds of things. I wouldn’t let the opinion of a very young child affect this decision. When my daughter was around that age, she said all the time she would hate a baby. Now at 9 years old, she regularly tells us that we need to have another baby so she can have a baby brother or sister. Little kids don’t really understand the situation. They adapt to new situations, especially if their parents are conscious that the child is nervous about the new situation – you and your Fiance can prepare him for a new sibling and continue making it clear that he is just as loved and just as much a part of the family as any new child.
Post # 24
you are giving A 5 year old a lot of power over your life. Children do not have the cognitive ability at that age to grasp that type of change in life. They only know what they are exposed.
Have another baby he will cope, children are resilient.
P.S. I am a psychologist who works with children.
Post # 25
When I was a little kid, I desperately wanted to be an only child. My parents had my brother anyway. I got over it. Now that I’m all grown up, he’s one of my best friends. You don’t let kids make important life decisions like that. They’re KIDS.
Post # 26
A vasectomy is a much safer and less painful option than female sterilisation.
Post # 27
I have personal experience with this. I actually think it is very unfair to *wait, here me out* kids in many situations when parents remarry and have more. It sounds like it may be something that can work for you because you are carefully considering DS’s feelings. I do not agree that children are just resilient and that they will be fine, etc. as some people say. They are people just like us and their feeling are legitamate and important and will affect them (and your relationship with them) the rest of life. (OP, that isn’t directed at you, more at other people’s opinions.) However, it sounds like you, OP are validating your DS’s feelings and that is what is important.
I think it is possible if you help DS to know that he is in every way just as much a part of the same family that new baby will be. You can guide DS through this difficult transition for him. I don’t agree with other posters making light of it, personally. His feelings are valid. There is a whole stereotype about the “spoiled child of a second marriage.” But OP, you sound like you have the skills to help DS through this. Maybe even consider counseling as a family to help all of you adjust. Continue to work to help DS see how important his role will always be in your expanding family, that he is and always will be every bit as important and as much your FI’s son (if that is how you want to approach it) as new baby.
PS Your Fiance sounds like a wonderful man and I would tell DS that he doesn’t want to do anything he is not comfortable with, but here is why baby would be a good thing, etc. Sometimes that validation really helps change a mind.
Post # 28
When I was 14 and my sister was 11, my parents wanted to have another baby. I was completely against it. I didnt want a baby around and my sister was very hesitant awsell. They did it anyways, baby was born n my sister lovvvvvveed the new baby. I couldnt have cared less(sadly) I was going through a wierd phase when madison was born and dont remember much about her when she was a little baby..But I love her just as much as my other sister.. So it could really go either way they can really take to another baby or they just wont bother with it
Post # 29
I had a Dear Daughter from my first marriage when DH and I married and wanted to have another baby. Dear Daughter was hesitant and unsure of how this would all turn out, but now she loves her sister and is super happy we had her. She was 7 when she was born. But she still does have moments of “DH is her real dad and not my real dad etc”. I do disagree with some of the PP- I do think you need to take his feelings into consideration. It doesnt mean not having a baby ever- but it is a life-altering circumstance. I think he gets to be heard. But then again, I am the mother who asked my Dear Daughter about marrying my DH. Had she been super against it- then I would not have remarried. We have considered having another baby and did talk with older Dear Daughter about it- at this point she thinks out family is “perfect and doesnt need anyone else”- and at the moment I agree with her.
Post # 30
@MissFireFlower: My suggestion would be to limit the discussion of more kids with your son. He may have said he doesn’t want a sibling at one time, but it will be different when one is on the way. The more you talk about it now, the more he will brain wash himself into believing he doesn’t want to be a big brother.
once you decide to have a baby, and are expecting, let him know, and make sure he is very much included in EVERYTHING baby related, but also make sure to take time for just him before the baby is born, and after.
Post # 31
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MissFireFlower: Your sopn has valid concern for having a new sibling. He is old enough to appreciate that he is not your FI’s child and most likely worries that he will be treated worse or less than a son by your Fiance once the new baby arrives. I would not let a 5 year old dictate my choice to have another child but I would talk to him about it. I would also make sure that my Fiance made special time just for him and my son to spend time together that will continue once the new baby arrives (once a week trips to the arcade, batting cages, movies, etc…)
Baby Babka is a good book for a reluctant sibling.