Post # 32
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I think that your son at 5 doesn’t really know what is the best decision in this matter. He is probably afraid that he won’t get as much of your fiance’s attention, but once the baby came you could show him that isn’t true
Post # 33
I would still have the child. A five year old does not get dictate my family planning choices. Of course they are an important consideration, but five year olds don’t exactly have the best grasp of the situation.
When my younger brother was born, my pre-school teacher commented on how cute he was, and my response (as a 5 year old) was, “I’ll sell him to you, we don’t want him.” I love my brother to death, and couldn’t imagine my life without him. But if my parents opted not to have him because I liked being the baby of the family..my life and my family would be incomplete.
Post # 34
I apologize if this sounds rude, but he’s 5! Of course his opinion is he doesn’t want another sibling, he probably doesn’t want to tie his shoes or go to bed at a certain time either!
Live your life and have another child if you want to. Your 5 year old (a couple years down the line) will be so thankful you vetoed his “decision”. And he’ll be so happy to have that sibling the day that it arrives.
Post # 35
5-year-olds don’t have the rationalization skills to choose whether their adult parent should procreate or not. It isn’t his body or his choice!
Obviously, help him through the process, but I don’t really understand why you’re entertaining the idea of him having a say.
Post # 36
I understand that a lot of you don’t get why me and Fiance have reservations about having another baby. We’re a blendend family-and DS’s father isn’t the best role model or is even their for him really. I only really let him go over becasue the courts say I have to-and even then sometimes he doesn’t show up to pick him up.
DS is smart enough to know that any child me and Fiance had would be “ours” and that would mean Fiance would be his ‘daddy’. I can talk with him and send him to therapy, work with him and make sure he understands that the baby isn’t replacing him-but there are no 100%’s in life. I have no idea if this will negativly impact him. What if in therapy I discover that emotionaly he’s not in a good place? If he’s not-because of everything that is happening with his Dad- would it be irresponsible to go ahead and expand our family without working through DS’s issues first?
I’m not the same-sex parent-DS’s a boy and his Dad is a boy and Fiance is a boy. I know he longs for that closeness with his dad that he has with FI- but his dad isn’t going to give it. He’s a bit angry at his Dad for not choosing to be a better father-but he can’t put his feelings into words quite will yet.
It goes a bit deeper then “I don’t want a brother. I like being an only child. I don’t want to go to sleep. Gimmie a cookie!”
How do we help DS with his his fear of losing Fiance as a father figure. “If [FI] can’t be my daddy, I don’t want him to be ANYONE’s daddy” From the things DS is saying, it feels like he’s affraid a biological child of FI’s own will somehow devalue the relationship DS and Fiance share. What’s the ‘right way’ to go? Work out the issues first and risk no one ever getting to a place where we are comfortable and miss the window? Or just JUMP in and figure it out later, hoping my son adjusts well?
Post # 37
Uh, when I was 2 1/2 my brother was born, I had no say whatsover, and did everything in my power to try to make him go away…..then when I was 9 1/2 our sister was born, and trust me we would have preferred a puppy; however her birth made my brother and I closer, we now had a united front to try to make her go away…. 🙂
We all survived, and if any of us needed a kidney, the repsonse would be, “which one, left or right”. The running joke is I was wanted, my brother was a surprise and my sister was a mistake. And none of us needed years of therapy and we have made to our late forties through mid fifties. And my sister and I are closer than sisters should be, inspite of a 9 year age difference.
Whether blended or not, most kids want mommy and daddy to theirselves and are not thrilled with any interlopers!
Post # 38
For a child so young, those fears are irrational, unless someone has been feeding it to him. They can’t understand a family dynamic, let alone verbalize about it. Being smart has nothing to do with it, but it is certainly understandable that whatever he’s saying is giving you pause and to reconsider. Most kids are afraid of the unknown and are even taught fear by what they hear. I’d be wondering where he’s actually getting all this from, to be honest. Is his bio-Dad evil enough to be planting these seeds of doubt in his head?
All of your lives will be changing, so of course he’s feeling a bit unsure of where he will fit in. The best you can do is to reassure him repeatedly that nothing will REALLY change. Maybe that’s what he’s most afraid of,the changes, and not about not wanting a sibling at all. I get that, and that may never go away, and he may go through these same feelings if you decide to buy a new house and he has to adjust to a new school and neighborhood. Does that mean you wouldn’t consider moving because he might be upset about it? Probably not. You’ll do everything you can to make his transition into an easy one, won’t you?
No one is saying that children aren’t people too, but they aren’t capable of making rational,informed decisions about life changing events either, and especially at five. You’re a good Mom to be weighing everything out, and hopefully people are giving you some food for thought.