Would you help a racist family member?

posted 2 weeks ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
13844 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think I would be able to tolerate his language or behavior. If you set him up for his “easy and successful future,” you are teaching him that there are not consequences to his hateful behavior. Enabling bad behavior is not the answer.   

Post # 3
Member
6772 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mg8301 :  this sounds like an odd psychological issue. People aren’t racist for no reason at all, they do learn it somewhere. I wonder if being hounded about it his entire life served to reinforce his incorrect beliefs and behaviors rather than change them. People in general have a tendency to get spiteful and double down when others try to interfere. That’s not to say the parents in this situation were wrong to try, just that the wrong lesson ultimately took place. It’s sad, really. 

That said, I’d base financial decisions on other things. Does this person have the expectation that he’ll get what he wants on a silver platter? (Then no, he can learn about work and responsibility) Is he going to throw that money down the toilet or work hard and be appreciative? (Then I’d provide at least some support for the latter)  Are the parents likely to hold it over his head and pull strings should he continue to behave wrongly? (Then no, don’t bother, that ship has sailed). Is he going to use that money to somehow take advantage of minorities? (Obviously no, then). If he’s going to use it to run around with his friends, reinforcing his beliefs and acting the asshole then no as well  

Parents can always provide some support without giving him everything. For example paying for college so he can get his feet on the ground, but not everything else, so he can do hard work and maybe gain a little perspective. And perhaps the college experience is just what he needs to get away from his own family, get away from his scummy friends and learn something new about the world through his peers  

Racism is bad. There’s no denying it. But that doesn’t mean someone should just throw their son into the street for it. It doesn’t mean he can’t function in society. It doesn’t mean he can’t still change his mind. I’d at least try to provide a little support if I were his mom and able. 

Tough question. I’m interested to see what others think, especially given the general leaning of this forum. 

Post # 4
Member
3474 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

“It doesn’t mean he can’t function in society.”

It certainly doesn’t. Manifestly, he can rise to its very highest ranks because of (rather than in spite of) it. 

Post # 6
Member
3146 posts
Sugar bee

“…given the general leaning of this forum.” 

I take it that you mean that the general leaning of this forum is basic decency and respect for people regardless of race, creed, or socioeconomic differences among others. Yes, that is the general leaning of this forum.

Post # 7
Member
6772 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mg8301 :  then you have your answer and that answer is NO. You can do whatever you want with your money. He is presumably an adult and can try his best to pull it together or go live on the street or in his friend’s basement. He’s not likely to change his mind now. 

Post # 8
Member
6772 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

claroquesi :  yes. But also a tendency to call everything they don’t like racism. As an example, I was called a racist for not liking certain names some kids at work had and then pointing out (of my own volition) that some might be from other cultures. They turned out to be from a wide variety, including old English.  Sometimes people just don’t like a name. 

Post # 10
Member
6772 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mg8301 :  gotcha. I’ve watched Shapiro myself and have definitely questioned some, though not all, of the views he pushes. The ‘owned’ videos (for any of those guys) tend to be the worst because they are so heavily edited. He’s going to either grow into or out of that mindset. Personally, and probably because I am middle of the road politically, I’d still cover college at least for a year or so. It’ll get him away from those friends and let him see other points of view. Don’t help at all and he stays exactly where he is. You can always look it over before year two and see if he’s matured at all before shelling out again  

Curious if you’ve sat down and watched and discussed a full show with him? I wonder if he’d even sit through a full show or just get bored, meaning he doesn’t care about the politics at all and is just an ass in general. Foul language (which is obviously a small part of this), for example, most definitely doesn’t come from Shapiro. He doesn’t so much as swear on his videos. 

Post # 11
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

mg8301 :  This all sounds vague and mildly hypothetical. How old is he? Is he your child? What exactly are you contemplating?

Post # 13
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This is a hard topic. I will say that growing up in a low income family, I had to make my own way (pay my own college tuition/ earn scholarships, pay for my room & boarding) and I turned out fine. In fact, it taught me responsibility which I think accelerated my maturity in a good way. 

As a future parent (currently pregnant), who is now middle class, I’d of course like my son to have things easier than his father and I had it and not worry about debt and etc.  But I wouldn’t use my money to enable or “okay” bad behavior. 

Many white young men are becoming radicalized via the internet (Shapiro is I’m sure just one source of his views). And it’s very dangerous because the views so easily link to acts of domestic terrorism. I will say that as a Black woman. I’m terrified of this growing wave of white supremacy amongst millennials  (my generation) and Gen Z and do my part as a college professor to try to de-radicalize students and help them understand the merits of anti-racist thought. 

What do you do as a parent? I don’t know because I’ll have a Black son and never face this exact issue. But I’d like to think if my son did a violent act against a woman or was squandering my money with drugs, alcohol, or just general irresponsibility that I’d rescind my financial support. Hoping that I’d be helping him to do the right thing instead of enabling him to keep heading down an even worst path. 

Post # 14
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

I am torn. I’m not a parent. I come from a very religious family. I entered university as a pro-life student who had been holding signs at the side of a road since I was a kid. I left pro-choice. I was exposed to so many differing views and opinions. I did a degree in Philosophy. I learned how to question.

I know you don’t want to financially reward him for intolerant behaviour, but maybe a year or two at school (depending on the degree) would help? 

Post # 15
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

mg8301 :  I would not associate with or support someone who acts this way, blood relation or not. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors