Would you help a racist family member?

posted 2 months ago in Parenting
Post # 47
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I am just offering advice as a foster mom not a keyboard warrior or anything else  I wouldn’t focus on the racism as something that can he is chosing to be because he is an asshole.  It is a psychological disorder due to his ODD.  I do not want to dive into his past medical or personal history; however, I would say this racism is highly likely due to trauma or neglect from the past.  Seriously, babies adopted from the hospital can have symptoms of trauma later on in life.  I belive I noticed you mentioned he has no contact with his father, did his father have these views?  My children have a narcissitic father that is very unhealthy for them, yet they idolize the man.  Could this possibly be your child’s way of holding onto that attachment?  Or could he blame that race for taking his father away?  Just thoughts I am sure you have already considered throughout his childhood.

Here’s the thing.  I wouldn’t cut him off financially because he suffers from a mental disorder.  I wouldn’t cut my child off financially if he suffered from anxiety, cancer, or epilepsy either.  Therefore, because a symptom of his mental disorder is something horrible it doesn’t erase the fact that it is still due to a mental disorder.  Continue seeking professional help for him and for yourself!  Having a child with an ODD diagnosis can be quite hard to cope with!

Post # 48
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I plan to adopt a diverse kid one day. I also work in the criminal justice system so I really expect about empathy toward other races from people. If my bio children ever acts this racist, I will be heart broken. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

I would never want to enable a horrible person like this to succeed in anyway without changing their attitudes. With success comes power, with power comes choices and responsibilities. I’ve known bugliest who are powerful and straight up evil who had parents that enabled, justified, and even encouraged their abuse for years.

i had a really, really rough childhood and I’ve dealt with many mental illness issues. Yes, sociopathy, narcissism and psychopathy aare mental illnesses, but it does not make me want to support bad people in any way. racism isn’t like stealing, racism is so, so much more impactful, and it’s something I’ll never want to see in my children.

however, I do believe people will change! Good luck and keep us updated. Thank you for caring about society aNd being so empathetic. Most people will just laugh it off and think their kid is alpha and move along as long as it doesn’t hurt them. If most parents are like you, our society will be so much better of a place to live in.

Post # 49
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

View original reply
MissMarple :  I can’t agree more! Especially during this current political climate. Any random kid could be attracted by a neo nazi group.

Post # 50
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mg8301 :  I don’t think she’s acting like she knows better. She’s repeatedly asked if you’ve seen a child psychitrist, and you’ve repeatedly replied that you’ve seen multiple child psychologists. She’s absolutely right that there is an inherent difference, and you may have to actively seek out and fight to see a psychologist as they’re harder to come by in many areas. Especially for children.  

Shes giving you sound advice. You asked for advice. I fully understand that you’re overwhelmed and don’t want to feel attacked, but what she’s asking and suggesting is genuinely something that could be a game changer. 

Post # 51
Member
792 posts
Busy bee

 

Help him by not doing ANYTHING. From the looks of it, entirely TOO MANY people have been in his business with good intentions. And when there are SO MANY good intenders, the result is almost always the opposite of what was intended!

He only ever needs to disagree on ONE point of what he is being told by these good intentioned people, and I believe all their advice to him goes to sh*ts in his mind. 

Reality check  will eventually come to him and it could be fatal. It is not in your control unfortunately. But what IS in your control is your own money. If you give that all up for his college education, then you are not going to have enough for your own retirement. He is young and somewhat intelligent I presume. So when he is ready to learn, he can apply to college and apply for a loan, grant, or scholarship. At 18, you can start hounding him to either get a job and help you with the bills, or start college. 

It’s harder than it sounds when you are purposely trying to hurt someone in order to help them. Kinda like a doctor amputating a leg to save a person’s life. That’s the analogy you can use to deal with this situation.

Post # 52
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

View original reply
jessig2b :  This is the best and most reasonable viewpoint on this thread in my opinion.

I too would be interested from the original poster to know more about the father …whether his race or views have influenced this attitude.  It is obviously a source of trauma and may be the trigger of the fixation for someone with ODD?

Post # 53
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

Hmmm I don’t know. I’m not a parent, but I can imagine you love him but are disappointed. Perhaps this is just a “phase” he’s going through. I mean withdrawing support etc because you don’t agree with his views is likely to push him further into the abyss xo

Post # 54
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Bee, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

To me, he sounds like he’s fallen into the mindset of incels. He’s using racism and misogyny as a tool and it really sounds like he’s severely lacking in empathy.

Has he ever been prone to violence? Or is he quite a cowardly child  outside of his verbal hatred?

Post # 55
Member
2387 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I wouldn’t set him up for “easy success.” However, I would consider helping him some with something like community college or trade school. He would still need to work at least part time. I’d say that if he works part time and does well in school, you could support him to something like community college. Give him a chance to improve himself. He’s still really young. He might make improvements once he’s matured some. 

I work with kids with mental illness including ODD. I know his behavior is upsetting to you, but he is still young and he still has a chance to improve himself. I think that volunteer work might help him learn some empathy. 

Post # 56
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Agree with PP. I also think the thing with “setting someone up with success” can easily make someone spoiled and enforce their mentality of “I’m better than others, I was given more and I also worked harder. Why don’t you poor people/woman/minorities stop being bitter and just work harder like me and my parents?” He needs to struggle to learn empathy.

Post # 57
Member
4969 posts
Honey bee

The best way to gain empathy for others is to work with them. He should get a job and go to school on his own dime first. If he keeps it up I would be inclined to give money if his grades are good. 

Furthermore, there’s no guarantee that anyone will be successful. Sure, money helps, but in the hands of the foolish it is wasted. I’m trying to think of what my response would be to his outlandish opinions. I’d probably laugh and say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but I know it’s no laughing matter when it’s your own son. 

Psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, I’d give it all a rest for now. I agree with 

View original reply
queenie8119: . All these sessions seem not to have helped, if anything they have produced deleterious results. Let him learn by working.  

Post # 58
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
sunburn :  she said in one of the posts that he’s been working and it just seemed to reinforce his beliefs ….

Post # 59
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
mg8301 :  Some kids just need to learn the hard way. I don’t think you are responsible for setting him up financially more than you really want to just because you can.

Post # 60
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

What really helped when I was spoiled was my dad telling me: “I’ve already done all I could to ensure you are socially adjusted and you’re not consumed by hate, but in the end of the day you are free to be your own perso. I can only do so much, and I did all I could. Its not my responsibility if you turn into someone I cannot respect, it’s on you. But I will not be able to continue to help you.” 

sometimes parents have a strong sense of guilt and make the children feel like whatever happens is the parent’s fault. But in your case, you didn’t deserve this, you did all you could.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors