(Closed) Would you invite them?

posted 12 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think if you invite one, you have to invite the other.  If it was me, I’d probably just ignore her, and focus on the important things that day.  Sounds to me like she’s a bit immature and maybe even a litle jealous.  It’s your day, so do what will make you happiest.

Post # 4
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Let me start by saying that you are justified in being hurt and upset.  It was wrong of L to talk behind your back and share a story that she must know embarasses you.

That being said, it doesn’t sound to me that L thinks your WHOLE relationship was based on a drunken hookup (obviously that’s not enough to support a 3 year relationship, engagement, etc).  You said yourself that it was very public and very embarassing.  While she was wrong to gossip, your behavior that first night was not a private matter- it’s public knowledge.

I could say, "If she was a good friend, she wouldn’t talk about your embarassing behavior behind your back." However, that would be hypocritical of me because, while it’s not something to be proud of, I have gossiped myself- about people I really care about.

I don’t know you personally, amandopolis, but I would venture to guess that you too have been guilty of talking behind a friend’s back and sharing inappropriate stories.  The only difference between you and L may be that you didn’t get caught.  However, if you haven’t, then you are a better person than I or L!

It was mean of her to retell that story, but she didn’t tell a secret or break a confidence- your first hookup was unfortunately public.

I think it also comes down to your own embarassment.  If you and your Fiance had your realization in a romantic and thoughtful way, you probably wouldn’t mind L retelling the story.

Don’t let your own embarassment or L’s thoughtless and uncaring retelling of the story ruin your friendship with her and J.

If it really bothers you, perhaps bring it up to her that you are embarassed and wish that the incident could be erased from everyone’s memory and you would appreciate it if she could be discreet and not bring it up.

My advice- although it will be hard- would be to pretend you never overheard the conversation and invite them as a couple.

Post # 6
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Do you think it would be productive to talk to her?  And ask her to be more discreet?  If she’s a friend, and you made it clear that it was hurtful, she should be willing to keep her mouth shut.

I’m one of those people that works really hard to keep friends.  Even things that could end a friendship, I try and work through.  I think you need to decide if she’s worth keeping as a friend.  If the answer is yes- you think she will respect you desire to let the past be the past- then invite her and her boyfriend.  If the answer is no, don’t invite her and/or her boyfriend and you can pretty much guarantee that your friendship will end.

It stinks so bad that the way you and your Fiance finally realizes you should be together has to be less than ideal.  I feel for you.

The only thing I can think of might be to change your attitude towards it.  Accept that you and your Fiance were so think-headed that it took alcohol to let your true feelings out!  And when they did come out- it was like the floodgates opened up!  Perhaps if you embrace the story- find humor in it- and work to not feel embarassed about it, then it will no longer be something people share when you walk out the door?

Post # 7
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with rosychicklet…perhaps if you were the one telling the story, you could change the way you view it yourself.  The way others tell it, you got schmammered, made out, and oops, there’s a relationship.  But for you the story starts so much earlier!  Tell the story as you see it, and perhaps others will see it that way too.

 I can understand why you’re upset, but it is perhaps true that you makeout session was the only memorable thing she could think to tell.  Or maybe she wasn’t trying to be mean but instead thought it was a romantic (if not unique) way to start a relationship.  Don’t be too hard on her, she may lead a boring life.

Post # 8
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry Amandopolis.  If I understand this correctly, the biggest beef is that she is still carrying on about it after two years.  And not only is she telling your embarrassing stories, that fact that she is so eager to share them just after your departure, would make me wonder if she really does see you and your Fiance and lable you as the drunken hook up. 

I can’t blame you for feeling hurt.  My guess is that she is trying to tell what she thinks is a good story, and being inconsiderate.  Rather than something malicious to ruin others’ image of you.  If you feel like she is a close enough friend, you could talk to her, even an e-mail would be better than nothing.  Try saying, "I heard you telling our drunken hook up story to your roommate.  I know it’s true we did those things.  However, we’ve grown since then.  It was one mistake, and having a laugh at my expense hurts.  I’m sure your point was not to hurt me, as much as telling what seems like a good story.  But it’s giving me a bad reputation, and hurts our friendship."  Etc, etc.  See what she says. 

Bottomline, I would probably still invite them.  Even if it’s just to stay in the good graces of the boyfriend.  Or if you don’t want to make waves, by saying anything to her, maybe you don’t feel that close.

  If you aren’t all that close to them, don’t mind letting your friendship drift apart, mabye don’t invite them.  If you talk to her and the relationship starts heading south, also don’t invite them. 

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