(Closed) Would you kick them out of your wedding party?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

why does that mean your fiance has to get rid of two guys?  that seems completely unfair.  bridal parties should be about who is important to you, not about even numbers. 

and yes, i unfortunately do think you are being dramatic for kicking them out.  they’ve done nothing wrong.  you say “according to her grandmother” judy was sick…why don’t you believe her?  and a death in the family trumps ANY wedding activities.

Post # 4
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

 

If I was in your situation, I would not kick out bridesmaids. I think there are some bridesmaids that are interested in every detail, like knowing your venue, and others that would love to stand up for you but aren’t interested in the planning. You can’t expect all your bridesmaids to be the same type. I think you should have a conversation with them since it is bothering you and maybe you should let them know of your expectations of bridesmaids since you mentioned there are some other things that you want them to attend. The most important thing is that they support you on your wedding day. 

However, I think this has nothing to do with your Fiance and he should not have to remove 2 friends from his wedding party. He has already made a commitment by asking his people, guys can walk in on their own, come from another entrance, or pair up.

Good luck to you!

 

Post # 5
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s a little easy to get your head lost in the clouds during wedding planning.  I think a lot of people forget that when it’s someone else’s wedding, there are often other engagements and issues that trump going to a bridal show (which you said specifically they did not have to attend) or checking out your venue.  I know you are excited and want to share with your friends, but I think someone’s grandmother being ill and passing away is a valid reason to skip out on optional (your words) events for someone else’s wedding.

I also agree with some of the previous posters; your fiance does not have to get rid of groomsmen if you make the ultimate decision to get rid of your bridesmaids.  I definitely think you are being too dramatic.  Try to remember that although your own wedding is extremely important to you, it is not the priority in everyone’s lives.

Post # 6
Member
46670 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think I would “kick them out” just yet. You obviously felt close enough to them to ask them to be in the bridal party. Has that changed?

I do however think you should speak personally to them- not email- not facebook- and ask them if in future they could respond to your invitations/requests.

 I would phrase it something like” I know that life gets in the way of being ablt to attend everything, but I would appreciate a response so that I know what’s going on in your life. I would like to have been able to be more supportive to you  Judy, but I didn’t know your grandmother had passed away.”

or “Betty, I would really appreciate a response so that I know how many of us there are going to be at the event. If you can’t make it that’s totally fine with me, but I dislike having to answer’I don’t know, I haven’t heard from her’ when someone asks why you aren’t present”.

 

See how they respond, and if the behavior continues, offer them the opportunity to step down.

Post # 7
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Don’t kick them out. I’m sure they want to be a part of your wedding; they probably just didn’t realize that it’d mean attending events well before the big day. Cut them some slack, and if it’s really bugging you, talk with Betty and Judy about it… but don’t worry too much over it. 

Post # 8
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

although your wedding is super exciting to you its not the be all of end all for everyone else – your bm’s have their own lives and priorities and if you are wanting to kick them out because 1 couldnt make a bridal show because her grandmother just died then i dont think you are a very good friend

i dont think you should expect all 7 of your bm’s to follow you around to every bridal show, venue and appointment like lemmings

edit; sorry i didnt mean to sound like such a bitch but i think you are being over dramatic

 

Post # 9
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Try to put yourself in Judy’s shoes: if my grandma died a night with my boyfriend and drinking sounds like a great way to get back on your feet. It’s not like people mourn by sitting around crocheting. Choose your BMs based on who’s interested in you, not just your wedding. The two are very different things to some people.

Post # 10
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with @eloping.  It sounds like you are expecting a lot for your bridesmaids for all of them to come to wedding shows, see your venue, etc, etc.  I’m sure they are all busy people and while your wedding is important to them, its probably not the most important thing going on in their lives. 

I think you need to talk to them about their expecations of involvement in your wedding becuase it sounds like they are expecting to be a little involved and you are expecting them to be very involved. 

Post # 11
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

i wouldnt rule out the kick out.. i ‘demoted’ BOTH of my bridesmaids, months ago and i DO NOT regret it, because they have been suuuch terrible friends to mee since i asked them (like you, i did it in a very thoughtful way) . . anyway, i demoted them by telling them that we’re downgrading the wedding and theres no wedding party anymore (huge lie but i couldnt say, its because you havent called or text’d me once when i told you i need your help and support)

anyway anyway, its now 3 weeks till the wedding and seriously, i havent heard from them. i didnt want to feel like i had to call and keep someone else accountable for being my friend??! no joke one of the girls didnt reply to me confirming her address for 2 months, then asked me to send the invite to her work so she could get the day off, and now hasnt rsvp’d!

i know if i had have kept them i would have resented myself for it and been annoyed at the picutres. i ended up soon after deciding to have my sisters (very very many years older than me and one lives overseas so it wasnt initially a choice to have them) and i am pleased with that decision.

for me, wedding stuff has made me really sensitive to feeling hurt or disapointed, and i really know that i’ll look at photos and be irritated.

i think what everyone else has said is right about dealing with them and talking to them about it, but my point is that sometimes you DO realise that things have changed in the friendship and you expected them to be more excited and involved. Dont say nothing for the sake of being polite, its your pictures!

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would talk to them before I kicked them out.  Perhaps with having so many other bridesmaids, they figured they wouldn’t be missed.  If you haven’t talked to them to explain what your expectations of them are, how would they know.  I think you need to step back, take a deep breath and then talk with them to see if they still want to be involved.  Assuming these are your close girlfriends (since you asked them to stand up with you), it would seem silly to me to just kick them out w/out talking to them first.

Post # 13
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@juliacatherine: arent they going to realize there actually is a wedding party at the wedding?

Post # 14
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

This is your wedding, not theirs. They are not going to want to go over every planning detail with you. I’m assuming you asked these girls because they mean a lot to you and you want to have them standing next to you on your big day, so please keep that in mind before you consider “getting rid of them” because they’re not living up to how excited you think they should be about everything.

Also, it’s perfectly acceptable to have uneven sides. If you do end up kicking these girls of your wedding party, that should not affect your FI’s choice of groomsmen at all.

Post # 15
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

@Mrs. Meowerson: haha yes they now know. i just said look my sisters have been so supportive etc im going to have them bla bla they didnt seem phased, which made me even more sure of my decision.

Post # 16
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Although I agree with other posters that your wedding isn’t as important to other people, I do think you may just want to “kick them out” (that sounds harsh). Coming from a girl who’s Bridesmaid or Best Man just backed out 3 months before the wedding, you can probably just save yourself a lot of stress by not having these girls be part of it. Some people are just not meant to be BMs. Could 2 groomsmen be ushers instead? I know others keep saying that you don’t need to have even sides, but to some brides, even is important (i’m the same way). Someone made a good comment in the thread I started this morning about my Bridesmaid or Best Man drama…even sides are all about aesthetics and 99% of us care what our wedding looks like! Different things are important to different people. For example, some people care about everyone matching to a T (shoes, dress, flowers, jewelry). Don’t let what others say on here influence how you feel. If you think it will cause less problems and stress to have these girls out of your wedding party, then do it.

And just because you don’t have certain people in your wedding party, doesn’t mean you don’t care about them! Like I said, not everyone is meant to be (or can handle to be) a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

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