Would you leave everything and move out of state for your husband?

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

With Your husband, the way you described him, being cheap, only thinking about himself in this situation, no I would not move. You love California, YOUR aging parents live there, your friends, etc, why move just for his parents? If he’s dead set on moving then perhaps do trips to visit one another But no I wound not uproot my life for him.

Post # 3
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

Sorry but, yes, if he’s INSISTING on moving across the country, he should take care of you in any possible way, should you need it. Furthermore, you should feel comfortable enough to bring your concerns up to him re: him being cheap and you worrying that your needs won’t be met. Even FURTHERmore, you should not have said you were willing to move if you weren’t. 

Post # 4
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

is102017 :  I think he’s being very selfish and not thinking this move through. Personally, I would not move across the country away from my friends and family for a husband who wouldn’t be willing to support me while I found a new job. 

Post # 5
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

is102017 :  Why don’t you start looking at employment options now and perhaps even start applying? That would give you an idea of what your prospects are like.

My boyfriend followed me when I moved to do my Master’s, I followed him when he started his PhD, and I’ll follow him to wherever he gets a postdoc. Since my career is much more flexible than his, I’ll likely be following rather than leading most of the time. It isn’t my first choice, but our relationship means a lot more to me than having complete control over where I live and work. 

I think the bigger issue you have here is that you feel he’s stingy with his money. If he’s the one initiating the move, he should absolutely be doing everything he can to ease the transition for you. If he’s not, that speaks to his character and not in a good way.

Post # 6
Member
1968 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

is102017 :  My situation is different, because my husband and I combined our lives fully when we married, and that includes financials. However, I would move with my husband if he needed to. 

The big issue with your situation is that to move closer to his parents, means moving further from your own. Unless they’re in poor health and your parents are not, I don’t see how that’s considerate of you and your needs. I think a compromise would be to move midway to be closer to his, but still stay relatively close to yours. He’s said before that this was a possibility, and rather than make a decision prior to marriage you essentially said “maybe” and pushed it under the rug. If you want to stay with your husband, you might should consider letting him move first, and that way you can take the time to get a new job lined up to prevent financial strain on yourself. 

Post # 7
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Yes, I would move across the country for my husband if it was something that was important to him, and well thought out. But as soon as you said your husband wouldn’t step up and help you financially, I chaged my mind. That mindset drives me crazy, as you are in a partnership, and when 1/2 of the partnership is falling, the other picks them up! 

ETA: I dont’ call that cheap, I call it selfish.

Post # 8
Member
5709 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I mean, ultimately couples can do what they want with finances but this is why split finances rarely work.  You only contribute to your own savings and retirements and view it separately?  What happens if one of you can’t retire when the other does?  What happens if one has a higher retirement income?

To answer your main question, yes I would.  Not under every single circumstance obviously but yes I would certainly consider moving to be where my husband wanted to live.

Think about it this way, your reasons for not moving are the reasons your husband wants to move and he has always been open about possibly wanting to move make to be closer to his parents. 

Post # 9
Member
908 posts
Busy bee

I think its really unfair that he is basically threatening to break up if you don’t want to move. You have extremly valid concerns that he should be understaning of. What he is asking you for is HUGE! Is it possible to hold off the move until you can find a job out there? Or he can go there temporarily while you stay back in the west coast. Maybe counseling will help. 

Post # 10
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Do some research before you make the decision. Look at housing prices, the job market, apply for some jobs and see if you are getting callbacks, take a trip and make sure there are activities you both like to do out there, etc. This is a big change and you and your husband need to have a lot of conversations about it. This is not a one conversation, let’s do it thing, it requires a lot of work and communication. Does your husband really want to move there or is he just getting pressure from his parents? Can more frequent trips be taken for the next few years? If they are aging and retired, can they just move to CA? There are a lot of options here, its not completely black and white. If you two are struggling to talk about this, maybe try with a counselor. 

Post # 11
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

When I first read your header, I was like, “heck yeah!  He’s my world and I’d go about anywhere.”

 

And then I read your post.  

 

While I agree with the other bees on this, that you need to have a serious discussion with him.  There is no easy answer on this.  Is it too out of the question to do long trips to be with his parents?  I mean, if he can transfer, his job may have options where he can “clock in” at another location so that his income wouldn’t be too drastically impacted.  I don’t know-just kind of grasping for any practical solution that would allow both of you to be with your parents. 

Post # 12
Member
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I moved across the country for dh before we were married. Had to quit my job and start over. It basically meant my career took a backseat to his (which I was okay with). BUT…he made it very clear that he would cover all my expenses for as long as needed. We’re married now and still technically have separate finances, but from the time I moved out here we started thinking about our finances collectively. It’s not his retirement and my retirement…it’s our retirement. No chance in hell would I have made the sacrifice of moving across the country for him if he wasn’t willing to support me! I think it’s insane that your husband is expecting you to do this. I wouldn’t go if I were you…but I also wouldn’t be okay with the financial situation you described in the first place.

Post # 13
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would not tolerate or respond to threats. Unless he is willing to support you willingly and equally for as long as it takes, I’d absolutely refuse to move and would let the chips fall where they may. Actually, I would never marry someone with his attitude about money and marriage in the first place, but that’s another story. 

I would move for my spouse, but it would be a mutual decision, nothing like this. 

Post # 14
Member
2772 posts
Sugar bee

While his attitude surrounding the situation leaves something to be desired, it’s not like this is coming out of left field.  He did warn you before you were married that this was a possibility.  This is a huge move and not a one sided decision.  He needs to be willing to work with you and not threaten divorce if you aren’t willing to come immediately.  I know couples who have had to move for work and they stay separate for a while to get things in order.  

 

Post # 15
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Could his aging parent move to CA? It would make much more sense and the climate would likely be better for them than the crazy east coast. I would move for my husband but not for this reason.

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