Would you leave everything and move out of state for your husband?

posted 1 week ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Yeah – I DID move for my FH, and it was rough going, but he supports me and supported me every step of the way. 

So my answer was “of course!” Until I read your post. 

The stingy thing is really rough to live with. And you’re going to need support, because it takes a while to put down new roots and find new friends, and build a new life. 

And if he’s giving you an ultimatum, that makes it emotionally even more rough – why is it so easy for him to threaten to split? I don’t even understand that, and it sounds like a horrible control tactic. He probably figures you’ll cave in. 

I think it’s time for a discussion about YOUR needs. That if you agree to uproot your entire life for him, he’s got to support you until you get on your feet. And he’s got to do so with kindness and good grace. Otherwise, your life could potentially be hell for a while. 

 

Im sorry 🙁 

Post # 17
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

I moved country with my fiancé for his job and it was a struggle but I don’t regret it. I have a job and we have friends. Before I found work he supported us financially and it worked out fine. He isn’t cheap like you say your husband is and he knew it was important that I felt comfortable and settled so did everything he could to make that happen.

Honestly the situation you’re in sounds like it sucks. This isn’t a decision he can make alone so it’s not great that he’s just decided this and not really given you a say. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this at all, especially as it doesn’t sound like he is willing to make the effort to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy. He is only thinking of himself and that says a lot.

Post # 18
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

is102017 :  For *my* husband,  yes absolutely.  For yours,  no way.  I peeked at your prior history.  

Post # 19
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This is the same Mother-In-Law who made false and snotty comments about OP only being able to afford her car because of her son. The OP’s husband chimed in to agree and point out all the other things she has now because of him. This despite OP paying her own way for everything and actually making it cheaper for her husband by contributing proportionally to his rent. He counts every dime. 

I don’t know about OP, but I would not be so eager to move closer to the in laws. And as mentioned, I would think twice about tolerating threats or the status quo with him.

This is also the same husband who is medicated and has issues with depression, which is no excuse. There’s obviously a lot going on here and a lot to think about. 

I’d insist on marriage counseling to start. 

Post # 20
Member
9215 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

From this small snippet he sounds like a selfish ass. So no, I wouldn’t move across the country with someone I couldn’t 100% count on.

If you did move, can you look for jobs ahead of time? Lots of places will do skype interviews and such nowdays.

Post # 21
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yes, I’ve done it! 

But we also combine our finances and don’t lives as separate people financially. It doesn’t matter who is paying into retirement because when the time comes its both of ours. 

Look for jobs, know the job market where you are going. You should be a team supporting one another so have the conversation, tell him you are worried about not having a job and him being cheap ect. Figure out a financial arrangement that will work for you both. His parent arnt going to live forever and if they are elderly and need his help they need his help. Yes, you are leaving your parents but you have lived near them your entire life. It’s reasonable that FH wants to spend some years close to his. You guys can always move back to California later. 

Thst being said if he view what’s his as his and isn’t willing to start viewing the two of you as a team and want to contribute to life together than that’s a hard pass from me! But I wouldn’t marry anyone with that attitude. 

Post # 22
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Based on what you’ve shared, no, I would not give up my entire life, community (or my job) to move for him. Cheapness is a lack of generosity and it would be entirely too generous for you to give up all of that for the person you described. (To be blunt – he doesn’t sound like he’s worth that level of sacrifice).

If he’s that serious about it, I’d let him go on and move and try a LDR for a while and then reassess.

Post # 23
Member
2033 posts
Buzzing bee

He needs to move his parents to CA. They’re not working, wouldn’t be contributing to your household financially, and would need your care. If he really cares about them AND you, he will move them out closer to where you are currently located. 

If they don’t want to move, well tough titty at least you tried. You cannot uproot your entire life to a place where your financial future is uncertain.

On another note, this experience reveals some not-so-great qualities about your husband that I hope you keep in the back of your mind. If someone would let you fall flat on your face financially under *their* demand that you quit your job and move across the country for *their* parents and threaten to drop you if you refuse, is it even really that solid of a relationship? It sounds like he’s calling all the shots and you’re either along for the ride or you aren’t, but either way he’s gonna do whatever the fuck he wants to do. That’s a very unhealthy dynamic, as he’s very clearly communicated what his priorities are—and your marriage isn’t one of them.

Post # 24
Member
727 posts
Busy bee

I moved several states away a few weeks ago to somewhere we know no one and have no family *with* my husband not *for* my husband. It was something we mutually agreed on and were excited about but it was made possible because he had a job offer here. We have completely combined finances and not to be judgy of others but this is exactly why. I have completely taken on unpacking, cleaning, stocking the place with grocerys/tolietries, getting all of our providers set up, etc. while he is working and I’m not. And I’m not concerned about all of those financial things you listed we are a team. I’m sorry to say but it does not sound like you and your husband are a team which is a fundamental issue in a marriage. 

Post # 25
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Oh, it’s you again. For my husband? Yes. For yours? No way. But I didn’t marry a douchebag.

Post # 26
Hostess
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

runningmama :  I think this is the best solution.  

For my husband, I would consider it, but with my career being very niche and almost exclusively found in our current city, it would not be a decision taken likely.  In your situation, I wouldn’t even consider it unless I had an awesome job lined up, not even if your husband took care of mutual expenses while you were looking for a job.  My career is really important to me though, so I would not personally want to be a housewife hoping to find a new job accross the country from my friends and family.  

Post # 27
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Not under your circumstances, no. I understand both sides and I understand why you’re torn, I’m really sorry bee, this is a tough situation. My boyfriend recently moved to another state and I didn’t join him for similar concerns – career opportunities, my family, my friends/personal life, etc. And that was WITH my boyfriend offering to support me completely until I could get on my feet there. I still didn’t go.

In the end, you have a lot of reasons to stay. I don’t know if I would risk giving up my life, my parents, and my career for a man who I couldn’t even trust to support me during the transition, especially one who was giving me a divorce ultimatum like that.

Post # 28
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I don’t think I could do this OP, I did move (albeit, only 2 hours from home) for my now-fiance over a year ago. I didn’t have a job lined up but had savings and Fiance promised to support me for as long as I needed. I found a job fairly quickly and worked for him in the meantime, so my finances didn’t suffer much. There was no way I could have done that without having his full support. 

You’re a team. You’re supposed to come up with a plan to make your goals feasible and make these decisions together. That’s not what is happening here. He is unilaterally making a decision that affects every aspect of your life without consulting you or trying to come up with solutions to issues that might arise for you. He gets out of this move scott free… he makes basically no sacrifices due to this move, not the case for you and he hasn’t considered that at all. AND is threatening to end your marriage if you don’t agree. I think he’s being incredibly selfish and I’d be tempted to let him move by himself.

Post # 29
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I think the first thing to do is to assess his parent’s financial situation. Could they hire help at home? Are other family members going to help also? Every State has programs for seniors that need help at home and financially qualify. If they are comfortable financially, they could hire help. Has your husband spoken to his parents physician. A geriatric case manager (social worker) could be hired to evaluate the situation and recommend programs, etc.. Why can’t his parents move by you? I am sure they are retired and it would be easier for them to move even if they like their own community. Even your husband may eventually resent uprooting his life for this. Also, caring for parents can go on for many years. Even if you move there, you still may need to hire help because you both would probably be working. 

Post # 30
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

is102017 :  I would move if it was mutually beneficial for all parties. But no, in this situation I would not move and uproot my whole life just because of his parents. If the situation with them is really that dire, he needs to consider moving them out closer to you guys. 

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