Would you leave everything and move out of state for your husband?

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So there are a few things in marriage where if one person says no, it automatically is a no. Moving cross country is one of them. My family is also on the East Coast and I am in California, where the majority of his family is located. We met after I had moved out here. Even though I had hoped to move back eventually, I am now realizing that we never will and I don’t think I could ask that of my husband because I don’t think he’d be as happy. I don’t think you need to move if you don’t want to. 

If you are going to move, then I think you at least need to have an agreement in place where you guys will not relocate until you have secured a new job, since he can transfer at any point. That might take months, but it sounds like you definitely need to have secure employment before you move. 

Post # 32
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think those suggesting his parents move are missing this point. OP doesn’t want to move and uproot her life, yet you suggest his parents should leave all their friends, routine and support system they built over a lifetime to go live out the last of their years starting over. Moving, getting a new bank getting used to a new grocery store. Making friends in your 30’s is hard enough I can’t imagine it gets easier when you are 70-80. I can’t imagine taking my grandma away from her friends. They are 75 and get tea together every week. They’ve known each other for longer than I’ve been alive.

Of course hired help could help them out and still could no matter where Op or the husband lives. But Op’s Husband wants to be closer to his parents, assuming to spend time with them before they no longer exist to spend time with. 

You have to talk. He could agree to be a team and combine finances or support you and not be cheap. You could stipulate that you have to find a job first. You two could decide you’ll move there for a set amount of time say 3 years. There are lots of options.

Post # 33
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t move under your circumstances as you describe them without having a job lined up ahead of time. I’m wondering, thought, if you have actually talked this through with him. You refer to his general attitude about money and the fact that you are  financially independent now, but have you actually had a conversation about what your financial arrangement would be if you picked up and moved at his behest? I think that before you make any decisions, you need to make sure you’re operating off the best possible intel you can get instead of making assumptions about what he will do/think.

 

ETA: Is there a reason he has a hard time emotionally being the breadwinner? Has this been a point of contention in your relationship before? Does he have an ex who was overly dependent on him? It’s just an unusual thing to say that someone has a hard time, emotionally, with providing for a family.

Post # 34
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your husband is literally wililng to uproot his entire life and move all the way across the country to help HIS PARENTS, but he won’t spend a dime to help YOU, his wife, make the journey with him. That says an awful lot about what his priorities are.

ETA: I remember your last thread about your husband taking his mom’s side when she was criticizing your financial situation. I think there is more going on here than meets the eye…it seems like your husband has a dysfunctional relationship with his parents and definitely seems to put them before you.

Post # 35
Member
2044 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So, you get there, experience some unemployment, take a hit on your retirement, income, and savings while your husband keeps his full time position and has no interruption to his finances. What then? He drops you off at the food bank on his way to play golf? He retires at 60 while you take a second job? Obviously these are extreme examples, but no I would not disadvantage myself for a man who feels no responsibility or desire that you are safe and happy. You should both be providers for each other. If he doesn’t think marriage confers that obligation on him, I would provide him with a separtion. Protect yourself because he doesn’t have your back.

Post # 36
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You don’t have a moving problem…you have a husband problem. Sounds to me like you need to ditch your husband. He sounds like an ass –  not just from this post but from previous posts.

To answer your question, yes I have moved for my husband – back when he was just still my boyfriend. That being said even though we too maintain seperate finances for the most part our contribution to the household is proportionate to what we each make and is shown in other ways. Example : He pays the mortgage and major bills, while I pay my personal bills, buy the groceries, take care of the house, our kid, etc. 

Post # 37
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I can’t tell if what you’re describing of your husband is what he’s said is his stance/thoughts or if it’s your expectation of his reaction.

I will say that my husband and I have moved continents and countries with one another several times. There are always a few things we do before making that decision:

1. Forecast out what the career implications will be for the person going who does not have a job. What opportunities are there, what is average salary, what are commute options like – the whole gammit

2. Biuld a budget based on the single salary that we will need to live on when we first arrive and the unemployed individual is looking for a job. We then STICK to this budget. So we have to compromise before the move on what the alloted spend is within each category. Obviously we’re a bit more frugal as we’re single income in those periods though.

3. Consider overall lifestyle considerations:

– Is it a good place for our hobbies. pets, future children? 

– How easy is it to then get to our respective famillies

– What is the general culture or lifestyle of the place? Does that suit us? 

If the career implications, financnail implications, and lifestyle implications are positive enough to warrant uprooting – we go for it. 

 

I will caveat all of the above by saying that typically we have always moved for job opportunities in the past (not family) and we have fully combined finances so building a jointly agreed budget is our usual financial management approach anyway (so when moving it’s just a matter of how much we’re spendign per category…not a major shift in financial management strategy).

Post # 38
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i get seperate finances, as my husband and I do the same thing. But the fact that he sounds like he’s not going to financially help you out at all if you cant find a job right away, would scare me. If his reasoning is because he’s cheap and does not want to, then why are you married. I feel like he should have a back up plan, prepared for all the “what ifs”, and if he’s not willing to sit down and plan one, you shouldnt even be remotely considering moving to start with. 

id start looking into jobs now while still living in cali, just to see if there is any potential out there to start with… 

Post # 39
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

is102017 :  I would move with my husband in a heart beat. We are a team. Would I be nervous, sure. Would I have doubts, sure. But he is my husband. But he would also support me 100%. And vice versa. For better or worse, richer or poorer. Leaving your family and friends behind is hard but there is so much technology now (not when I was away from my family) it would feel like your seeing eachother everyday. As far as the money situation. Go online look at jobs in your field that are around his parent’s. You don’t know what is out there until you look. You say you may not find anything, you may not get anything that pays the same’s, you may not get anything that contributes to my retirement. How do you know??? You haven’t even looked yet. And can I ask you a question? What was the reason you gave him when you told him that you don’t think that you will be able to move? Because if it was the financial thing and he said he wasn’t going to support you I don’t even know why your on here, I would have packed his bags and told him to get out. I’m just curious if you told him the truth or not.

Post # 40
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

Agree with pps about having his parents move to CA. It’ll be much better for their health anyway (no winter!) That makes the most sense since he won’t help support you with a move/possible unemployment.

And for what it’s worth, you need to have a conversation about his unwillingness to support you. Things happen in life. Health issues, layoffs, etc. When dh started up a new company, I helped support him. Now, that I’m contemplating switching careers, he’s offering to support me. That’s what a married couple does for one another. Helps in the bad times. Otherwise what’s the point of being married? “To have and to hold, in good times and in bad”. That doesn’t mean just physically hold. That means supporting by any means necessary to live a life together. 

Post # 41
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Your husband seems like a very selfish person. 

He wouldn’t support you and if you don’t go with him to live according to his miserly whims, he will end your marriage over his lack of ability to compromise? That’s awful. 

I know the damage is already done but when I read posts like yours, I wonder what compels some bees to marry men who do not make good husbands. Good spouses are as emotionally and financially generous as possible. 

I would let him go without you. Don’t put yourself in the postion to depend on someone who is cheap because you will be unhappy. 

Post # 42
Member
3002 posts
Sugar bee

is102017 :  Has he actually said that he will not financially support you? What are his plans if you dont find a job within a few months? send you back to CA?

In most cases, yes i would follow my husband but my husband wouldnt put us in a financially difficult position and make me take the brunt of it. 

I would ask him the difficult questions and go from there. Figure out average cost of living, take into account the higher heating cost, snow removal etc. Price out the move and hopefully you guys can hammer out some details, but if he cant be reasonable in his responses, then i would not go. 

*im hoping pricing things and discussing it will help open his eyes to how big of a financial impact this will be. If he is cheap, maybe he will decide to stay put lol*

Post # 43
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

is102017 :  in light of your post about your Mother-In-Law and husband humiliating you about finanes a few months ago, your husband is stingy and feels like his finances give him a stronger say over your life, your decisions, and how you’re allowed to react to things that upset you. it is clear that having totally separate finances is 100% his idea. and now it all makes sense—if you quit your job to live with your husband across the country, he will hold finances over your head for the rest of your foreseeable life. he will know that you don’t have enough money to leave him, so you’ll be stuck doing whatever he says on his terms…this is how abuse is allowed to keep happening to so many women. he will continue to yank your chain while you’re helplessly dragged along. better not do anything to upset him—or you may end up homeless because you don’t have any money to take care of yourself!

if you go with him, you will be done. him threatening to end the relationship if you don’t go with him is manipulative and calculated. call his bluff, and if he leaves anyway take this as your easy way out. 

also, in case you needed any other incentive to stay in CA with your family, career, and established life, his mom seems like a real bitch so I wouldn’t give two fucks about her “aging” and needing to take care of her…

Post # 44
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

elodie2019 :  I think if you’re 70-80 and need someone to take care of you, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. either hire someone to care for you or move nearer to your child who is willing to care for you. It is 110% selfish to expect your child with an established career, marriage, and lifestyle to up and move [without a job!!] just to care for you. Everyone ages, so it’s important to think these things through before you get to the point at which you’re unable to care for yourself physically.

Also, I feel like the parents are being even more selfish to expect OP’s husband to move to them because they’re clearly quite wealthy (per another post in her history—it sheds more light on the financial domination). They could just pay someone to take care of them and stay where they’re at? Idk why that’s not an option.

Post # 45
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

Everyone suggesting that his parents move to CA obviously dont know how incredibly expensive it is to live in CA. For elderly people on a fixed income, it doesn’t seem feasible. Granted I dont know the whole situation and dont know know what part of the east coast you’re referring to OP, but unless its NYC, chances are it’s probably a bit more affordable than most places in CA.

As for your original question OP, I’ve moved away from CA twice now so my answer would be HECK YES lol. I grew up in SJ, moved away at 19 to WA (for a boyfriend), where I later met my Fiance. We ended up moving back down to CA together when I was pregnant with my first son to be closer to my parents. After our son was born, Fiance decided he wanted to move to Vegas to be near his elderly mother (his only family). We moved out here, neither of us having lived here before, and we’re still here 3 years later. 

It’s definitely not as far as moving coast to coast, I’ll give you that. However, I’m not a big fan of CA so I think if you have the option to live elsewhere it would be a good experience for you. Although judging from PP’s comments your husband is a jerk, but I dont blame him for not having faith in a 3000 mile long distance relationship. Who would?

As for the separate finances, unless you had a job lined up before you move (which isn’t impossible, you can still apply for jobs pre-move and possibly interview via video chat or have interviews lined up for when you arrive. I’ve done this as well) then he should be willing to combine your finances until you have an income, it would be ridiculous to expect you to move with him and fend for yourself. Honestly the whole idea of separate finances when you’re married is kind of weird to me, unless you’re both really well off or you were already established in life, or are expecting the marriage not to last. I’m not saying shared bank accounts are a necessity, but at least openly discussing and sharing income, especially for household expenses.

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