Would you leave everything and move out of state for your husband?

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

No where did OP say it was to take care of his parents.  She said it was to spend time with them. And that her husband has talked about moving back to the east coast for years! 

Of course if you are reliant on someone else to take care of you for free in old age you may have to relocate to where they are. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. happiekrappie :  

Post # 47
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

That is super selfish! Would he consider moving if the situation was reversed? Probably not. Best guess he would tell you to go live there for a ‘little bit’ (however long his definition of that is!) and then you would end up having to travel back and forth.

That is what he should be doing anyway. What if you had children? He was going to uproot them from their family/friends/school? This kind of thing is even frowned upon in courts due to the extreme impact moving and uprooting has on children. Why should it be much different for you? Granted you are not a child, but you still have long and strong roots where you are. AND you don’t have a good reason to move!

Post # 48
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

is102017 :  I moved across the country for my husband. It is not something to be taken lightly and honestly it’s a red flag from what you described how insistent your husband is being. Moving that far is a big step and shouldn’t be decided by only one person. 

Honestly from this post though that’s the least of your worries. When you get married, you become one. Even if your bank accounts don’t physically have to merge into one, it should be of that mindset. The way you’re handling finances is like roommates. You shouldn’t be worrying about your retirement accounts bc they should be seen as a joint entity. I am a huge financial stability person and I never would have married my husband if he were so selfish. I was out of work for a month when I moved across the country and my Darling Husband didn’t mind because we moved for HIM. (As in your case). Then my husband made over 3 times what I was making. It still was “our” money. My husband lost his job and in the month it took him to find a job, I happily paid all of the bills. Finances should be a personal thing, but how your describe your husband’s point of view is selfish, especially if he’s the one wanting to move. He should be lucky he has an awesome wife who’s even considering being selfless and leaving her family and friends for him. 

Post # 49
Member
3270 posts
Sugar bee

When we moved cross country (mutual choice), I stayed back and only moved once I found a job. We thought it was crazy to dip into savings for no good reason. 

But his threats and the fact he hasn’t offered to support you really concern me. 

Post # 50
Member
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes I would.  however, in this situation I would not.  Moving is a two party decision, not a one.  So if he wants to move without thinking of the consequences to you is very selfish.  If he is worried about his parents I’d see if they could move to CA like another PP said because you’re not sure if you could fnd a job in the East Coast.  Especially depending on what kind of job you have now.

I would say if I wanted to move to be closer to family I would not force my husband to move unless I knew I could support him until he got a job.  Which it sounds like your husband won’t do.

Post # 51
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

Your husband is cheap and selfish; great combination. And for that little extra he tolerates and encourages his mother to disrespect and insult you.  Why would you want to move closer to be near that? And I have to ask, why did you marry a man like this?

Post # 52
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Ditto mrstodd2bee. It seems the problem isn’t this impending move, that’s the symptom.

The problem seems to be your relationship- focus on making your marriage work first; support (both financial and emotional) and trust. You shouldn’t have to choose between moving away from everything you know and depend on and your marriage. 

Post # 53
Member
4791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

OP, having read one of your past posts about your Mother-In-Law and your husband making you feel humiliated made me want to post again and say HELL NO do NOT move closer to her. Let him leave if he wants. GL.

Post # 54
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I read your previous thread about Mother-In-Law and Darling Husband humiliating you. NO WAY IN HELL would I move closer to a Mother-In-Law like her.

It feels like there are deeper problems than this move; you have a incredibly selfish husband who prioritizes his parents and money over you. 

Post # 55
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I probably would, I say probably dependent on where it was. However that’s me personally and it’s not for everyone. I would do it because I had my daughter when I was young, before I got to go out and experience the world very much, so my time to explore is now. And also I say this probably biased because my husband is moving with me. Meaning I’ve been planning to move once my daughter was grown since before I met him. So if he wasn’t willing to move, we wouldn’t have gotten married. We did decide on location together though. Well I mostly did but he is totally on board. But that’s us and the way our lives worked out. I know that not everyone wants to leave their family and friends. 

Post # 56
Member
9665 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I quit my job and moved 8 hours away for my husband to get his PhD. We have three more years here and then another move to god knows where and then 2-3 years after that at least one more move before we hopefully settle. But that’s the life I signed up for . We talked extensively about his career plans and how that would impact our lives before he even applied to grad school. It’s a lifestyle I’m comfortable with.

With the way you described your husband, I’d be much more concerned about the move. I was u employed for almost a full year after the move. But my husband isn’t cheap or selfish. He wants me to be happy and encouraged me to be picky in my job hunt and find the right one and didn’t mind being the sole provider while I searched. Even with him being incredibly supportive, that first year was really hard for me. My self-esteem took a major hit in the frustration of the job hunt, I was constantly worried about finances and ashamed that I wasn’t contributing (my husband never made me feel that way, it was just how I felt), and it was pretty isolating not to know anyone. So even though I’ve done it and don’t at all regret it, just based on your post I don’t know that I would suggest you move across the country just so your in-laws can have more visits.

I also wasn’t near family when we moved so that wasn’t a consideration for me at all. 

Post # 57
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

zzar45 :  My husband and I have separate finances. It works completely fine for some couples. I don’t get your retirement point. Why do couples have to retire together? I’m in the U.K. so perhaps it’s different, but couples don’t necessarily tend to retire together and their retirement funds often look very different to each other. 

Post # 58
Member
5537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

littlebuzz :  Do whatever works for you I’m just pointing out the flaws in their way of doing it for the OP. 

Separate accounts but one joint attitude to money and goals is one thing , and isn’t what we are talking about, having one spouse saying she can’t afford to move with her husband is another and frankly it’s weird. 

 

Post # 59
Member
2952 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve worked out from previous posts that you haven’t been married long – less than 2 years. 

I think that you need to have a big discussions with your husband about joint decisions. There are 2 of you in this marriage. You both get a say.

He and his mother have already made remarks belittling your financial independence and so I’m concerned when he is suggesting something that would remove your financial independence.

I’m also concerned that he is considered the proximity to one set of parents but not the other set of parents. Could you move halfway?

If you are both making good money then you could take advantage of a great invention – the aeroplane. One of my relatives lives in Boston (USA) but flies to Scotland to visit his parents – a journey that is both longer and more expensive than your husband’s journey would be.

If you both decide that moving is the right thing to do then insist that neither of you move until you both have obtained new jobs.

Post # 60
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

The fact that he has threatened divorce if you do not move with him to the East Coast is actually far more concerning to me than the question of whether or not you should move, his parents, or even the financial issue.

Someone who makes unilateral decisions (and yes, I know he discussed it with you prior to your marriage, but as you pointed out, it was always just a vague possibility, which is quite different) about really big, important things like where you live, and threatens to leave you if you do not comply is not a spouse I’d want for anyone. That’s not a partner, not a team player – that is a bully.

Whether his parents are ageing or not, the two of you should be making decisions like this together. When you get married, your own marriage and family comes first, and wherever possible, you try to come to a compromise with your spouse.

Your husband is making this very black and white, and personally, I have a big problem with black and white people. There are many compromises in this situation:

* He could move out there, and you could remain in CA whilst you find a job on the East Coast. You could visit each other back and forth during this time.

* If he wants to spend time with them, I don’t personally see why it’s necessary to move there. Is it not possible for him to visit them more often, or take some time off from work to spend solidly with them if their health is not good? I mean, after all, if he is working full-time, how much time is he really going to be able to spend with them? Is he planning to move into their house? To be there every evening?

* Alternatively, if money is not an issue, I see no reason why they can’t come up and spend time with you. They needn’t uproot their lives but can perhaps come and stay with you for a few weeks from time to time. Or, they could move to you if spending so much time with their son is so important to them. It is easier for them since they don’t work.

The way your husband and his parents are riding roughshod over you is really concerning, and from personal experience, it’s not a good idea to give in to bullies. Personally I’d probably tell him that I can’t move just yet – not for the foreseeable future and not before I’ve had time to think about it and found a job. And let the chips fall where they may.

 

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