Post # 31
- Wedding: October 2016 - Estate
I’m going to have a very unpopular opinion and might get some backlash…
Unless it happened more than once or they had any type of emotional relationship with that person, I wouldn’t leave right away. My now fiance cheated on me before we were engaged. It was terrible and very emotional, but I honestly do not think we’d be getting married if it hadn’t happened. It forced us to deal with some issues in our relationship that we didn’t realize we had and we are stronger for it. I absolutely wish it hadn’t happened, but it did and we dealt with it and moved on. I trust him more now than I did before he cheated on me, which sounds weird but it’s true.
Post # 32
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
Honestly I’m not sure what I would do, and I hope I never find out.
Post # 33
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I ALWAYS thought it was black & white, but now im beginning to reconsider. I think cheating is a symptom of a much bigger problem, and I also dont subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” idea. I would try to work through it if it was a one-time purely physical thing, and we had been going through some issues. We all have some kind of unhealthy go-to knee-jerk reaction to negative feelings (NOT that it makes it ok, by any stretch, but I could understand it with time). If it was an emotional, or ongoing thing, NOPE… No can do.
Post # 34
Right now, at this point? Probably. I can’t imagine a situation that would make me -not- leave, but I’m also wary of saying I absolutely know what I’d do in a circumstance I’ve never been in before. I’d probably take our car with me, too – you move me to another country, then cheat on me? Oh hell no.
If we had kids, a house – I can’t say “probably” with nearly as much certainty. I might be more willing to attempt to fix things. Or I might be more disgusted and just walk.
Post # 35
Yes, no questions asked. Being in a relationship is a choice. If I make that choice to be with you and you break my trust, I will walk. I can eventually forgive but will never forget. That alone I cannot live with.
Even after having my two beautiful children, I would be the example that respect starts with me. I would never settle for less. Everyone just has to do what works best for them.
Post # 36
Yes. My ex husband cheated and I stuck around for anlther 4 years after I learned of his infidelities. All I did was become this insecure, paranoid, psycho, consumed by what he was doing type of woman. It was a prison that he started but I let myself be in.
I can’t get over shit. I already have trust issues from childhood. So it takes a lot for me trust but then if it’s broken… Yeah I can’t.
Post # 37
It’s not at all black and white for me – I can’t say what I’d do until I was put in that situation. I’ve definitely been cheated on before (not by my current fiancé, but by past boyfriends) so I do know how it feels, and it sucks terribly. But it’s not always an immediate dealbreaker for me.
Post # 38
Yes, I would leave. In the past, I had an ex who cheated on me (I believed him when he told me he didn’t, but found out afterwards that he 100% did) and I tried to stay and work through it, but I’m just not the type of person who can live with feeling insecure 24/7. Not worth it.
Post # 39
I would definitely need some time and space to process and evaluate, but like PP, I can’t say that there aren’t some circumstances where I can see staying. I really hope I never find out, or find myself in a situation where I gave into temptation.
Post # 40
I view cheating as a symptom of a much bigger thing. It really depends on the circumstances and whether or not it’s worth it to give it another chance or not. If he cheated on me, it would be hard to leave, but I think it would be even harder to stay and work through it. I think for me, overall, it would be various shades of grey as opposed to viewing it as black and white
Post # 41
Thanks, bees, for your responses. Very insightful. I also wonder how people feel about strip clubs. I have no problem with DH going to them. He just doesn’t care for them. Do you consider going to strip clubs and getting lap dances cheating as well?
Post # 42
I used to say “Yes” I would leave and then as I grew older I became more amenable to the idea of someone staying if their partner cheated. I know if can work out for some couples, especially if they make the effort to rebuild the relationship through things like councelling.
However, I came with trust issues. I have had them from day one and in every relationship I’ve ever been in, including friendships. I just don’t trust easily or well. Because of this I would have to leave. I can’t constantly be worried that he is out doing things behind my back, and I know myself well enough to know that I could never let it go.
Post # 43
My dad cheated on my mom, it was pretty awful.
I told my SO that if he cheated on me he would pretty much be breaking up with me. He knows I would never forgive him and if he cheated on me he’d basically be breaking up with me because he know I would not take him back. We do have a child, but I would not want my baby to watch him and I fight all the time or me be paranoid all the time, which I would be.
Luckily I feel very loved, we are happy and I don’t feel he will ever cheat on me.
His sisters husband cheated on her, he even had a secret phone. It was right after they had twins and it was awful, but they went to consulting. They love each other, and it’s been 6 years.
Post # 44
My Dh and I have a very definite answer on cheating and whether we would stay or go. He and I both have the same view. It would be over. His previous spouse cheated on him as did mine. We know the fall out from it. We love and respect each other to much to hurt each other like that.
The point of a marriage is to have enough respect and love for each other that when issues arise you deal with them in an adult and mature fashion. Cheating is neither of those things. If either of us steps out then the respect is gone. Without respect there is no relationship.
There are always going to be ebbs and flows in your relationships. There is going to be times when life just isnt exciting, or times when life pulls you in different directions. Its up to you as a married couple to find a way to work through the ebbs and flows and pull together. If you cant do that then it wont work. You cant be at cross purposes. One of you cant always be chasing the other down and one of you cant always be doing the work. It requires both of you to put in time, effort and attention.
When someone cheats that effort is going somewhere else. Whether its a one time thing or an emotional thing. Cheating is a very deliberate act. It has nothing to do with drinking or it was an accident. It is a deliberate thing. Its a choice. When you cheat you are making a deliberate choice to disrespect your relationship. Those are things my DH and I could never ignore. So it would be over for us. We are very clear about it with each other.
Post # 45
Definitely. There’s nothing after that.