(Closed) Would you leave your SO if he or she cheated on you?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Before marriage, I would’ve left in an instant. Now? If he took responsibility for his mistake and didn’t make excuses snd agreed to counseling I’d give it a trial run in working things out. I say trial run because if in a few months, I still found the trust irreversibly damaged, then I’d have no choice but to divorc.

Post # 62
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

I would be gone even if I was 80 years old. No trust, no bueno.

Post # 63
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee

Probably not. It depends on the circumstances. I know I’m very much in the minority here, but I don’t consider sexual fidelity all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Humans aren’t naturally monogamous animals. Of course we can be monogamous by choice, and certainly should be if we take vows to be, but it’s hard to fight mother nature. So no, I wouldn’t necessarily end my relationship just because of a sexual infidelity. But like I said, it would depend on the circumstances. 

Post # 64
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Without a second thought, regardless of the situation, yes I would leave. I would never be able to trust my SO again, and that wouldn’t be fair to me or him.

FWIW, I am very conservative on my definition of cheating. If you hold someone else’s hand, you are cheating.

Post # 65
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Sand Key Park- Clearwater Beach Elopement

Yes, absolutely. I will never give a cheater a second chance. It would absolutely destroy me, but if it happened I would. Cheating is cheating. Kissing, oral sex, penetrative sex, emotionally cheating or sexting with someone else, whatever. It wouldn’t matter. The trust would be broken. They should just end things if they’re thinking about cheating. Save the person you supposedly “love” that kind of pain.

I have absolutely no concerns about my fiance doing this, nor have I ever. I know he would never cheat.

Post # 66
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Not automatically. It depends on many factors. What happened? How long did it happen for? etc. There is very little room for  black and white in my world.  When I was younger I had all kinds of hard lines in the sand. As and older bee I’ve learned very few things in life are that simple. 

The only hardline for me would be if it resulted in a pregnancy. I couldn’t see my relationship surviving that. 

Post # 67
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee

Before it happened to me, I always thought I would be the one to try to work things out, that it couldn’t be “that bad” that I would want to throw everything away.

I was completely wrong.  When I found out my ex was cheating on me with his former girlfriend less than 2 months before our wedding, I knew I wouldn’t and couldn’t work it out. I knew myself and that I would never be able to fully forgive him and I would never trust him again.  I knew I would be the one constantly questioning things, and no ones should have to live like that.

One and done for me.

Post # 68
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

 

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alamana:  Eh…I disagree with this theory. I feel like I am 100% naturally monogamous and I know tons of people who won’t have it any other way. I think the reasons many of us have the natural state of jealousy and negative feelings about infidelity is for a reason but I understand that’s a whole other topic.lol

Post # 69
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

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alamana:  I can really appreciate how you don’t consider sexual fidelity as the be all and end all of a good relationship, but I simply have to correct your statement that humans are not “naturally” monogramous.

The evolutionary history of human social life, including their relationships, is actually really complicated, and involves more than biological factors. There is plenty of evidence that cultural evolution has moved human beings past the great ape baseline in many ways, such that it is plausible to say that we can be monogamous without going against our “nature”. Infidelity is very common cross-culturally, of course, but the reality isn’t as simple as human beings being naturally promiscuous or polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous.  

(I work in this area so you’ll forgive me if I sound like I’m lecturing!) 

Post # 70
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee

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Butterfly6:  
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gogglefruits:  Read The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond. Human beings are not monogamous animals at all. If they were, there wouldn’t be any cheating, ever. No second marriages. Etc. Lifetime mating is very, very rare in the animal kingdom, and this is no less true with primates (although there is one — Azara’s owl monkey, native to South America). 

Post # 71
Member
4055 posts
Honey bee

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breatheandrelax:  Yes I would leave. If you can’t commit to me, and ONLY me, then you don’t deserve my time.

Post # 72
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

not sure.  Having been cheated on (even though we broke up) I came to realize that life is a lot more nuanced.  Like most decisions that important, it’d depend.

Post # 73
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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breatheandrelax:  to me, as we are still young and have been together for only 5 years and have no children, any form of straying is a no.  Ive been cheated on before and i definitely think emotional hurts worse than physical.  The same guy cheated on me with some floozy at a bar, then at around the same time i found messages to his ex saying he still loved her, and the ex ones definitely hurt more.  

If we had been together 10 years + with kids, i could potentially forgive a drunken one night thing if he was straight with me about it, however any dating websites, affairs, innapropriate texting etc would be one way streets to divorceville.

I cheated once on a bf when i was much younger, at the bar with my girls, had too much to drink and was feeling crap about the weight id put on and my bf had been ignoring me sexually.  An amazing charismatic man started chatting with me and i was just enchanted and went home with him.  I felt horrible the next day and it broke my bf and i up, but ill always remember it as it happened so easily and id always been hugely against cheating.  If that happened once in the course of a relationship and he wanted to fix it then i would try.  I was young and dont think i would easily make that mistake again, but you never know, i never thought i would do that once until i had, and i really loved my bf at the time.

Post # 74
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

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breatheandrelax:  yes 100000% yes. If he ever cheated, i’m out. Kids or no kids – im soooo gone. 

It would suck if that ever happened but I’ve already thought about it since its a rational thing to think about. If he ever cheated, became an addict and/or abused me – I am out.

Post # 75
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

No, i wouldn’t divorce my husband and leave him. I would insist upon counseling and try to work through our issues before calling it quits. I vowed to be with him, for better or worse, and that would be worse but I would do all I could to work through it. 

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