Post # 76
Yup! Been with my Fiance since highschool. Once we hit our 20’s I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “IF YOU EVER CHEAT ON ME IM GONNA DUMP THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND NEVER LOOK BACK. It will hurt, I will be sad but I’m strong enough to get over it.”
I meant every word and still do! Cheating is the ultimate betrayal. It’s not the sex but the sneakiness and lying that gets me along with the absolute disregard of SO’s feelings. I couldn’t look at a man the same if he cheated on me. I would be way too disgusted and besides I can’t rekindle anything with a person that crossed me. For the women that do forgive, I don’t judge them at all. I’m just not that nice LOL
Post # 77
It really really really depends on the situation for me. How long it went on, how emotionally invested he was, how long did he lie about it or try to cover it up, how did I find out about the situation, how remorseful was he, etc. If this was a one-time thing that just “happened” (not that I actually believe that cheating just “happens”, but you know what I mean), I would probably work through it. After all, saying that a one-time thing meant more than the past 7 years of our relationship would be degrading to our relationship as well. Just because he broke our vows doesn’t mean I have to also.
That being said, if I was the one who cheated, I think he would end it. It obviously wouldn’t be easy….I don’t think he would throw me out of the house without some serious discussions, but it would be over for him. He would never look at me the same, and I don’t think it would be repairable.
I don’t know why I feel like I would stay when the obvious reality is that a cheater doesn’t deserve me and my DH disagrees with my view on cheating/leaving. I think because I have more relationships to look back on (whereas my DH dated me and only me – I was his first and only kiss – etc.) and I’ve had some BAD past relationships and seen a lot of hurt dealt out by both sides, I don’t see difficult times or cheating as a deal-breaker, but I certainly recognize that there is a point where the underlying causes of the cheating are beyond repair.
Post # 78
It’s precisely such authors that undervalue the importance of cultural evolution, and feedback loops between cultural and genetic evolution in the case of human beings. It doesn’t matter what is the case with other animals, or other primates: do you see other primates using language, or with extensive tool use, or comparable levels of cooperation? This was my exactly point: pointing to the biological baseline as an indication of what human beings are like socially, or what they should be like, is simplistic and sometimes just plain wrong.
Post # 79
Since you know that your husband wouldn’t stay if you cheated, how would you be able to be so magnanimous to him if the tables were turned? That doesn’t seem fair to you at all.
Post # 80
You are right — I don’t see other primates using language, or extensive cooperation, etc. But I definitely DO see human beings having more than one sexual partner during a lifetime. Like I said before, if humans were monogamous animals, like, oh, say swans or beavers, there would be no cheating. No half siblings. No second marriages. No “players.” None of that.
Post # 81
We have discussed this many times, and we are both on the same page. Nobody is perfect and people make mistakes, but it is their intentions that count. Hypothetical: I told my Fiance that if he slipped up one time and had a one night stand, I would prefer he never told me – provided he used protection, got an STD screen, cut off all contact with the person involved, felt terrible about it and never let it happen again. He agreed the same for me. We both figure that in the case of a much regretted one time mistake, the burden of suffering should be on the perpetrator rather than the victim – basically, the cheater would have to live with what they did, rather than dumping something unbearable on the other person.
For both of us, an emotional or ongoing affair would be so much worse, and that would be a dealbreaker.
Post # 82
- Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey
I would absolutely leave. And nothing, kids or no kids, or however ‘innocent’ offence was, would stop me from leaving. My SO knows this. And I have told him that if he ever cheated on me then at least give me the respect of telling me straight away so I can move on from his sorry ass as soon as possible, no time wasted.
I have been cheated on by an ex-bf before. I stayed and that was a mistake. Once the trust is gone it is GONE.
Post # 83
I used to think it was a black and white decision…one strike and you’re out. But now that I’m with a guy who is an actual partner and a real adult (as opposed to my exs) I would have to seriously sit down and evaluate it. I’d definitely need a couples counselor and a lot of time. If it was a one night random hookup that he later took steps to ensure would never happen again, I’d consider working on the relationship. If it was a side piece, I’d definitely leave.
Post # 84
weirdly, I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was in a stupid LDR that was terrible for so many reasons and I ended up making out with a friend of mine. Instead of seeing that as a wake up call and ending the LDR, I just sort of did nothing. The relationship ended (thankfully) and I sort of regret not dating my friend. Learned from it though! Don’t stay in a relationship (even if the other person “forgives” you) just because you feel guilty about a mistake you made! And don’t ignore the red flags (making out with another guy!)
Post # 85
100% yes….and to me
kids in an absolutely dumb reason to stay in a marriage. If I were the kid preventing my parents from living happy lives, I’d feel terrible once I was old enough to put it together. And the children suffer when two parents are in an unhappy marriage whether you realize it or not. If you believe in God (which I realize a lot of people do not, and even those who do not necessarily follow the word of the bible) “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 I tell my SO this. I expect him not to check women out, not to look at porn, not to call a woman “hot”. I’m not saying I am stupid enough to think he will never ever look at women in his life and think she’s attractive, and if he does that I’m leaving. But it is the standard that I hold us to. If he were to ever pursue anything, be it with a kiss, or even with a questionable text message, I’d be out. It would totally change the person I thought he was. Our relationship could never be the same, I could never get past the hurt, could never forgive that kind of betrayal, could never trust him.
Post # 86
Yes and there would be absolutely no dialogue. I hate when people say it was only oral or only this or that. I find that sickening. If you are not enough for the person you are with, find someone else. Staying will only hurt you and your self confidence.
Post # 87
As much as it would break my heart, I’d absolutely be gone. There’s a trust there that could never be mended, and I don’t think it’s something I could forgive and let go.
Post # 88
I have been very fortunate in that I’ve never been cheated on (that I’m aware of).
I used to always say that I would leave immediately, but I have met several women who used to say the same, but when it happened to them, they decided to stay and make things work.
I can’t say with 100% certainty what I would do if that ever happened to me.
Post # 89
It would depend on the situation. In my mind I would like to think “Hell yeah, I’m gone. I’m strong and independent and I don’t need a man.” But in reality…I don’t know. If it were a long term affair or multiple incidents then I think for sure I would be gone. If it were a one time thing and he admitted it (not me finding out another way) then I might be more willing to work on “us”. I too think that sex, oral, etc is cheating. If I saw one time flirty texts or something I would be angry but wouldn’t leave (one time as in one time ever, not one time with this girl, then one time with a new girl, etc).
Post # 90
i definitely agree! I love my Fiance and we work so well that straying has never entered my mind. That said though, i think if your married for a long time, its possible to encounter a rocky patch. I think a onceoff cheating situation can sometimes be a symptom of other issues in the marriage. If i felt that was the case and my SO and i were both on the same page about fixing our marriage, i would probably try and fix our marriage before throwing it away.