Post # 1
It’s a long back story but her husband (who I was originally friends with) turned out to be an arrogant, nasty piece of work who physically harmed me about 5 years ago now. I 100% refuse to have him at my wedding. I will be civil to him at mutual friends events but that is it. I used to also be very close with her too but over the past few years this has changed too – she became a bridezilla (we did attend their wedding 2 years ago), he rubbed off on her and she became quite snobby, narcissistic etc. Shame, as she used to be a fun person to be around. Our group no longer really enjoyed her company either as a result so we have distanced ourselves over the past year and have not hung out very often.
She will however 100% be expecting an invite to the wedding and it will be a huge deal to her not to receive one. Would you give her forewarning that an invitation is not coming? I will be posting them out this week. I don’t mean to hurt her feelings by not inviting her but a) I can’t invite her without her husband anyway and b) I do not feel close/like her very much anymore to boot. Inevitably however she will feel hurt and this will make future events we see each other out, limited though they may be now, quite awkward I fear. It strikes me as somewhat rude to not let her know the situation and let her just figure it out herself when no invitation arrives…but I don’t know, I am so torn. The rest of our ‘group’ will be in attendance so I really am drawing a line in the sand here.
Post # 3
In that case, no but I’ve been known to be a bit of an avoider.
Post # 4
@Lollybags: I don’t have much advice but am commenting to follow. This is the on thing I am dreading about getting engaged- there is a girl in our friend group that no one wants at ANY events because she always starts trouble but everyone loves her husband.
I was planning on not saying anything to her and hoping I can squeek by without inviting her that way. My plan doesn’t seem like a good one though because I feel like I will be stressed the whole time about whether or not she will find out :(. Maybe other ladies would have better ideas but I definetly dont plan on telling her ahead of time because then wouldn’t I have to tell her why and tell her about herself? Same thing with you. Wouldn’t you have to tell her why she can’t be invited?
Post # 5
I wouldn’t say a word. Just don’t invite her. And if she brings it up, let her know that you didn’t want to hurt her feelings but didn’t want her husband at your special/happy/big day. When you say he physically harmed you, did he do it on purpose? If so, there’s no way she can really object to you not wanting him/them at your wedding.
Maybe talk to someone you trust in your group and see what they think of the situation. They know both you and her much better than any random group of strangers!
Post # 6
How much does she contact the rest of your group? Is she almost entirely on the outs with occasional contact, or is she very close with a few? Does the rest of the group know your general feelings about inviting her? Would the rest be willing to keep hush-hush about any details related to your wedding if she asks?
It sounds like the friendship’s basically completely dead, but a select few are holding onto it by a thread for fear of hurting her. I wouldn’t bring up the wedding at all, and if she asked, I’d give it the ol’, “We haven’t really been in touch in over a year, and we had to end our guest list somewhere.”
But honestly, I’d just totally cut off contact at this point rather than deal with the song and dance of, “No, you’re not invited.” The friendship’s on life support as it is – it’s not really going anywhere.
I’d then ask friends not to let her know anything about the wedding time, location, etc.
Post # 7
Ordinarily I’d say be upfront about it from the beginning, but in this case it only seems you’d be looking for a fight that you already know might be coming. I’d say nothing, why start a war if you don’t have to. plus it might seem to her that you’re doing the adult equivalent of “nah nah nah nah nah” (if you’re stating her emotional maturity level accurately).
Post # 8
@CookieCreamCakes: Contact has certainly dropped off from where it once was. 2 years ago she would have been included/invited to everything and now most people do not invite her to their events. Some of the girls who have known her much longer than I want to hold on to the friendship (in a limited way) because they have known her since they were 5 years old and they don’t want her to become absorbed in her arsehole husbands world completely so they may have coffee with her once in a while. I have seen her about 5 times last year. On every occasion she asked me about the wedding and I did my best to not go into any detail with her about it. Friends have asked me what to tell her when she (inevitably we think) asks them about the lack of invite. I just told them it’s not their issue to worry about. Some are pleased she is not invited (mainly the men-folk) as they cannot stand her husband and aren’t warm towards her anymore either.
@renwoman: Definitley not looking for a fight, I am a very non-confrontational person. I genuinely don’t want to hurt her feelings (although she’s never been very aware of anyone else’s feelings so I’m not sure why I bother :-/ )
@Nostawyn: Yes, it was on purpose.
Post # 9
What I would do:
I would not say anything unless she asks. If she will be upset, she will probably say something. Have your answer prepared and start off without mentioning her husband. “You and I have grown apart in the last few years and we weren’t able to invite everyone we wanted to.” Hopefully, she will accept this answer gracefully, but if she fights it or says “well Susan got an invite” then you can follow it up with “I feel very uncomfortable around your husband. I am sorry, we weren’t able to invite you.”
Post # 10
@Lollybags: I think in this situation, I would just post all the invitations without giving her a heads up. Eventually she will probably realize that she hasn’t received one, and then she can choose to ask you about it or not. She must know the reason involving her husband, after all.
Since you aren’t really friends anymore, the “You aren’t invited to my wedding” might come off as more rude than intended… Plus you can have a canned response to give anyone who asks about it. Something as polite as you can make it like, “Oh, we’re just not that close anymore and could only invite so many people.”
Post # 11
I’m so glad we fell in love with a medium sized venue, so I can use that, as an excuse.
Post # 12
@Fizzy8: Yes, I think you’re probably right. Unfortunately she won’t get why her husband wouldn’t be welcome – she is not terribly self-aware – but that is not my issue really. She saw the injury he did to me a few days after it occured and, while she did force him to call me to apologise, thinks that I should have just gotten over it once he said sorry (3 days later). Um yeah, permanent feeling loss in my thigh? Not gonna happen.
Post # 13
@thenewmrsmax: yep i like this answer
Post # 14
@Lollybags: um she shouldn’t be expecting an invite if her husband “physically harmed” you you said!! Did he attack you? Am surprised you went to their wedding?
Post # 15
@gemgirl6: yeah, see my reply above, unfortunately she just doesn’t get it. We went to their wedding in support for her, as we were still close when she got engaged. She turned into a bridezilla however during the engagement though so admittedly by the time the wedding itself rocked around most of us were pretty pee’d off and it was the beginning of the end really.
He didn’t ‘attack’ me as such…it’s hard to explain without going into detail but it was in more of a sporting/combat type scenario where he broked the very clear rules and knew exactly what he was doing and the injury it would cause (I screamed at him just before the event not to do it as well. But he did. At least it really showed me his true colours.)
Post # 16
Etiquette Snob Here…
You do not discuss who is not invited — the lack of a invitation should be this communication. If there is any question, she will contact you. It would be salt in the wound to “warn” her she is not invited.
Hope this answers your question!