(Closed) Would you “let” DH do this??? (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know.. honestly my husband would want to go on a trip like that. I’ve never been but I only really picture all the bad things about amsterdam so maybe there is more to it than I think. But I see why your uncomfortable seeing how the reason that was the “best trip ever” to A was because of the strippers? That would make me uncomfortable too. I would be fine with my husband having a guys trip but I also know his idea of a guys trip would be camping and hiking. I wouldn’t be so cool either if he wanted to do things that made me uneasy.  Maybe if you explain it in a way that you do think guys time is important also and a guys trip isn’t out of the question but it is the location and guy that he is going with that makes you uncomfortable?

Post # 4
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My problem wouldn’t be with him going away for the weekend and me being alone, it would be the ‘best strippers’ part. I love and trust my Darling Husband, but strippers are a no go for me. 

 

Can you compromise and him go elsewhere?

Post # 5
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

id be pissed. point blank. I wouldnt consider a guys trip going including Amsterdam with strippers. My gut tells me somethings gonna happen.

 

PM me if you want.

Post # 6
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think there’s multiple issues here, so I think you need to decide what is actually bothering you?

1. The idea of separate trips. You say you get it, but it also overlaps with you having to stay home and feeling alone. (Which seems like a separate issue altogehter. It looks like what Darling Husband and I call “falling into an expat cave.”) — Here, I think having separate trips can be ok.

By The Way: It’s ok to feel a bit culturally isolated at times. However, if you’re regularly having a lonely timeand feel *stuck* at home, it’s really your responsibility to invest some more effort into signing up for a language class, going to the gym, meeting up with other expat wives, hitting up your local “American/British/ Int’l/etc” club. As a fellow expat, it can be sometimes hard. However, you can’t rely on Darling Husband to be your sole interaction. It’s not fair to either of you. I guarantee you though – you can find other friends and meaningful activities no matter where you are.

2. The fact that your husband believes that he should be able to travel alone but “it’s dangerous” for women to travel in groups. (FWIW, that attitude would not go well with me if Darling Husband had said it.)

3. The issue of them primarily going to see strippers. – This is about trust. Again, it really varies couple by couple. I wouldn’t think twice about letting my husband go with friends on a vacation where they would probably check out a strip club. However, I think I’d find it a little creepy to sanction a trip whose sole purpose is to do drugs, watch strippers, and maybe pick up a prostitute… Without me! ha, just kidding. No but seriously. 

On the other hand, I just went alone to a Destination Wedding in Las Vegas where I stayed with my 3 best girlfriends and we did go clubbing. However, I was with my long time best friends, and a bunch of people I know from high school, many of whom are coupled or married. So yes, vegas can be a pretty seedy place (from what those prostitute ads told me) but nothing was ever going to happen… unless you count seeing a caberet/burlesque show with 2 other girls (the bride and my best friend) “something.” It really varies by context. The difference I see between my trip though and what your husband wants to do is that mine was centred on the seedy part.

4. Past issue of an interaction with a prostitute: Are you afraid that because he had an experience before (it wasn’t clear if you were together or not when it happened) that he is likely to cheat on you this time? If he’s worried about this – I don’t see why he would want to set himself up to fail. But at the same time, the fact that he realized how uncomfortable he was with it all may bode well here. Then again, is he the type to get affected by peer pressure?

Regardless, I think you need to try to sort out your feelings, what you are precisely upset about. Then, you need to talk to Darling Husband, articulate what you are upset about clearly and without confusing different issues. Then all you have to do is team up and work together to find a compromise to the particular problems. I’m sure some solutions to some of the problems (for both of you) won’t necessarily even have to do with this trip.

I hope this makes sense and helped.

Good luck!  

Post # 7
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I am not sure I would be happy with this either, mostly because of the location. Last year, my Darling Husband went on a boys beach vacation to Greece (we live in Europe too) and some girlfriends/wives tagged along, I didn’t go but aparently it was not a problem. One of the couples stayed at a different hotel (because they booked too late) and joined the boys trip for part of the time and one of the girls was there the whole time but 3 guys were there as singles. It worked out well that there was enough man time but the whole group went on a city tour together one day. Maybe you could tag along and be the cool wife. Give the boys some time while you head to a museum or shopping or just enjoying the city one day, hang out at the hotel one night while they go out and plan that one night you and Darling Husband will go to dinner while the others go see those strippers. Maybe you could all tour the Heineken brewery together one day. If you don’t want to go with, maybe you could plan a weekend getaway with some girlfriends for the same weekend so you are not thinking about what he is doing the whole time. I am not sure where in Europe you are stationed but Spring is a great time to travel Europe and also the beginning of the season for outdoor festivals.

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

NO WAY IN HEAL, OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 10
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

By The Way edit- my husband WOULDNT want to go on a trip like that, not would* lol

Post # 11
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

how long will you be stationed there? are you atleast trying to learn the language? im not sure if you live on a base? or what your situation is but it just seems like you are a little dependant on your Darling Husband, to the point you cant be alone for a few days without feeling a little helpless

you should try to make new friends, take a language class, livemocha.com is a good learning site too, you have to have your own life as well wether hes around or not temporarily.

the only part of your post i didnt like is him giving you the double standard on seperate trips.

i personally dont care if Fiance goes to a strip club, or away for a guys trip so thats a non issue to me, i trust him so it wouldnt be a concern.

he is a grown man he doesnt need a permission slip to go on a trip thats just my take on it, im not his mother. i say if you trust him he should have his space, but id also make it clear that when or if you have a girls trip he cant complain.

Post # 13
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

@Mrs.LemonDrop:  completely agree with everything you said. there are clearly multiple issues at hand here.

it’s difficult being alone, but you can’t let your Darling Husband feel bad because you’re at home all day.

weekends with the guys are fine in my book. i wouldn’t have any issue with my SO going to a strip club if he wanted to. because i trust him completely and i think it’s normal for guys to be guys.

i think it’s important to let men be men. i don’t particularly like video games, but my guy plays them. he goes to gigs all the time, and goes on tour for weeks at a time with his band. you might say this is different because it’s not going to see strippers – i would disagree. being in a band, girls throw themselves at you – and staying away from me for night after night would give him the ability to sleep with them without me ever knowing. but i still let him go – because i trust him, and i think it would be worse for our relationship if i stopped him from doing something he wanted to do.

i also never assume that he’ll cheat on me. maybe that’s something you need to assess about your relationship?

i do think its odd that he wouldn’t let you go to the beach on your own. honestly, i think that’s the strangest thing about the whole post! do you mind if i ask where you’re from originally? is it a cultural thing about women not being safe if they’re not in groups? or is it due to the place where you’re currently stationed?

i do think the peer pressure comment is pretty valid, too. i would be mortified if i had to tell my friends I couldn’t go to the beach or our clubbing because my SO wouldn’t ‘allow’ it.

Post # 14
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

for what it’s worth, i think this is a personal matter in terms of what you are and are not comfortable with personally and as a couple.  i really like how sutsip laid things out  as there may be many factors that are contributing to this situation.

i think that your husband was a bit passive aggressive in commenting that the other wife is “cool like that.” i have had certain experiences in the past that would make me upset if my partner wanted to do something like this.  however, even if my partner did not agree with me i think it would be nice that he be able to explore this with me through discussion. it is clear both of you were in a state of heightened emotion when you were having this conversation so perhaps you were not able to communicate effectively. 

perhaps you can think about the points sutsip highlighted and any other factors that you can identify and then revisit the topic again in a planned fashion.

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@texasbee:  Ultimately, he said he doesn’t want to go w/o me and that he will tell them “there is no reason to leave her home alone while I get to go travel.  She has no obligations like the other wife.

I’d be careful with that kind of attitude, you’ll quickly become the wife his friends can’t stand. I remember another post a couple of weeks ago by a bee who was annoyed because her husband was hosting a boys weekend at their house (she wasn’t going to be there, it was a BOYS weekend), and one of the guys wouldn’t stop fussing over wanting his wife to come. On the boys weekend. The OP and all of the bees responsing did not have great things to say about that wife. His friends are definitely going to think he is on a short leash and be put off by the fact that his wife is obviously telling him he can’t go without her, and I think that is kinda BS – no reason to leave you home alone while he travels? I think there is a pretty obvious reason  – he gets to have some guy time with his buddies. Darling Husband and I miss eachother when we’re apart, but we’re not so co-dependent that we can’t be home alone for a few days without feeling crappy about it.

I just got back from a five day trip to Florida without my husband. We go on vacay together too, but I don’t see an issue with going for a long weekend with just the girls or boys. Time apart can be good in short amounts, you get a chance to miss eachother but be able to focus on your own friends and interests.

 

 

My issue would be the strippers and the fact that he wouldn’t be okay with me going away – but it seems like for you the issue is just being by yourself for a few days. I’m sure you can keep yourself busy (or just relax withthe house to yourself!) for a few days. 

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