(Closed) Would you let your husband donate sperm to someone you know?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 76
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

No way. Maybe after we have had all the children we want, but there is no chance I’d ever let anyone concieve his firstborn, no matter if he’s not going to be the dad or not. I expect carrying his baby as something magical, I’d never ever share, even if this is selfish. 

Edit: Maybe to his brothers wife, if his brother was infertile, but not as a firstborn. 

Post # 77
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Another vote from the nope camp.

Post # 78
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Cote1590 :  the bear…hilarious! I’m saving that one! 😉

Firstly I’m taking ‘let him’ to mean obviously he can do what he likes but if it’s unacceptable to her, he may lose his wife in the process! 😉

For me, before reading the whole situation, my thoughts were this: I would let him donate for his brother or possibly cousin if they were very close to help that person have a genetically related child. That way he would have a natural uncle relationship with the child, and his very close love for his sibling would hopefully prevent any disagreements/problems. But it would be a tough one even in that case. I also *might* consider letting him donate anonymously (I really don’t know), or rather I can see that being an ok idea as it is altruistic and he would not have contact, plus many men do anonymous sperm donation.

In your situation, NO. When you decide and plan to have a child you should do it with every will in the world to ensure that the child has a mother and a father. Things can go wrong with a parent dying or deserting the family but you should always TRY to give every baby a mummy and daddy. Your husband will almost certainly feel he is ‘daddy’ and grow a great love for the child and want to be that father figure rather than willfully deprive the child of the opportunity to have a daddy. He sounds like a kind guy so I think that’s what would happen. Not many men could sit by and watch a little boy who is ‘theirs’ grow up with no dad. It goes against instinct. Any child resulting will naturally crave a father figure and your husband will be that person. A boy especially will look to your husband to be his male role model in life.

How is this supposed to work? Do they plan for him to be just a donor not an active dad? Good try but they won’t manage to conceal his identity- if he/she regularly sees them, any physical likenesses may well become obvious and give the child anxiety. Usually children ‘just know’. What do they say when she/he asks who his dad is? Do they lie? Even if she/he is told the bare biological facts ‘he’s a nice man who gave us some magic dust to make you but we are your real parents and you live with us’, the child may feel he/she is discouraged from calling his’her real dad ‘dad’ and that spells disaster psycologically.

But if they make him openly call him ‘dad’ and know his identity, then you have another set of problems in the same way as if he had a troublesome ex-wife who wields power over him through a  child. He (and you) will become entangled in their arrangements. What happens if they move abroad or to a state miles away? What happens if they send her/him to a school your husband is unhappy with, or conduct parenting with what your husband considers way too much or way too little discipline? What if THEY split up, it gets acrimonious, your husband’s child gets caught inbetween and want to live with you? This can only go wrong.

Now add in the fact you might not be able to have a genetic child with your husband and we have maximum STOP sign zone. I do think you need to talk to your husband about what you will do if you don’t conceive naturally. Maybe this is all coming from an angst inside him about wanting his own genetic child. But this would be a terrible way to go about it. Don’t get tangled up. Good luck, bee. I know this is not yet a concrete suggestion from him, but you need to nip it in the bud now. They are no longer two single people planning to be mummy and daddy together if they are still single at 40, so he needs to understand everything has changed.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 79
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

OP to answer your question, we never had a serious conversation about it and it was more an “if they ever wanted to” rather than full-on ready and planning it. We hadnt been together long, and it was around 5 years ago. At the time he didnt think it was an issue at all,  and I didnt want to entertaon conversation or have conflict around it. Thankfully because they broke up,  it never became an issue. 

I hope your husband sees your side of things and you both come out happy 🙂

Post # 80
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

heyanonynony :  Sorry, nope. It’s more than ok that you don’t want to agree to this.

Post # 81
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

exactly what ceebee05 : said. Not a snowball’s chance in hell. 

Post # 82
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maaaaaybe if I was already done having kids. Maaaaaybe.

There are also a lot of legal issues to go along with it—if things weren’t done “officially” she could possibly try to get him for child support. I’m sure everyone says this would never happen to them, but it has. Friendships change. Relationships change.

Post # 83
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada

LadyBear : Totally agree, If my husbands brother was infertile then yes. Otherwise nope, nope, nope!

Post # 84
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

I would be okay with Darling Husband donating to a sperm bank but I would not be okay with him donating to someone we knew

Post # 85
Member
9332 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

having dealt with infertility myself, if someone wanted my husbands sperm, i would be ok with it as long as we talked about it first and he didn’t go behind my back.

Post # 86
Member
9332 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

leonatigra :  yes.  he is NOT the dad.  he is the sperm donor.  you need to separate yourself from the situation when you donate to someone you know. he might be the “uncle” if they are not related. but the parents are the 2 women who would be raising the child in this situation.

Post # 87
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Let me add a nuance to this:

Now I did not know this, but a friend of mine who is a family lawyer in Texas told me that once sperm and eggs are out of your body, it is community property.  If you have your eggs frozen while you are married, that is community property, that means your husband owns 1/2 interest in each egg.  That means you cannot use/dispose of the eggs (yes, that came out of your body) without his written consent.  

If sperm and eggs are still inside of you, that is your own personal property.  So let’s say something happens to your husband suddenly and you want to extract his sperm to conceive a child of you and him, and you figure, I can do that, I have medical power of attorney.  NOPE YOU CANNOT.  You can make decision to donate his organs as medical power of attorney, but not to use/dispose his sperm that is inside his body.  

This is something that, if either spouse wants done, it has to be SPECIFICALLY written into their will, like they’re passing the rights to it onto you just like a bank account or a car.   

Yea like this completely blew my mind when my friend told me this.  I was like, it’s my eggs!  I was born with these, which is long before we were married!  It’s community property???  And she’s like yep, once it’s out it’s half his too.  Then I was like, so I can decide what to do with his heart, lungs, liver, cornea, etc., just not his sperm??? And she was like, yep not if it’s still inside of him….

I am sharing it just in case there’s any chance that your husband might think he can do it without your consent.  

Post # 88
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

ajillity81 :  That’s great in theory. But even if the child has 2 other parents, as neither of them are male, that child will ask about their dad. If a man comes often and is called ‘uncle’ once that child realises the uncle is his genetic dad, do you really think the child won’t see him as the dad they never had? Or won’t want a daddy type relationship, whatever the adults tell him he/she has to feel about it? Like I said, especially a little boy. It’s unrealistic. The only way it can work is if the man severs contact with these friends like an anonymous donor and that doesn’t sound likely in the OP’s scenario where the 2 women are such close friends. Plus it would be his first and potentially only genetic child right there in his face all the time. He might able to do this but if I were his wife I wouldn’t put money on it. Separating it all out in clinical fashion is convenient for the 2 women but will not be satisfactory for the child and almost certainly not the man. I still think it’s all a terrible idea and most bees seem to agree it’s all a big NO. 

Post # 89
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

camenae :  the laws involving embryos, sperm and egg donors, surrogates, etc. vary state to state.  Texas is a community property state, so what you said makes sense, but it doesn’t apply in other states.

Post # 90
Member
2574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I guess I am in the minority. I think after speaking to lawyers and figuring out all the legalities and logistics, it would certainly be possible for me to warm up to the idea of donating to an acquaintance or a friend/family member. We have already discussed me donating my eggs if I wanted to, so I don’t see why I wouldn’t give him the same respect when it comes to his decisions about his body.

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