(Closed) Would you let your SO/FI/DH experience one of his urges before the wedding?vent!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I say let him smoke some pot. It’s really a very mild drug and if it’s a one time thing then I can’t see the harm. As a one time splurge, pot is probably the best thing for him. It impairs judgement less than alcohol and it’s less addictive than tobacco/nicotine. 

Post # 5
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would talk to him. Why is he having this urge? Why now? I personally wouldn’t be ok with that, especially if it was a part of his life when things were not good. Why go down that road again?

Post # 7
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

The trouble is I doubt this will be a “one time thing”. I doubt he will just smoke pot this one time and then never, ever do it again for the rest of your lives together.

Like Lemma said, pot is really not that terrible. I’ve personally never taken part, but it’s really not any worse than alcohol at all, and alcohol is totally socially exceptable.

That said, you sound like you’re really uncomfortable with this (which is totally valid, btw). My question is, how important is this to you? Would it really hurt you if he occasionally smoked pot with his friends? 

While smoking pot isn’t the worst thing in the world ever, I think it’s important that couples are compatible in this area. For instance, I drink very rarely and my Fiance drinks pretty often, but not to a degree that bothers me. If he was getting smashed twice a week, that would bother me at lot, doesn’t matter that alcohol is legal and not “the worst he could do”.

Post # 8
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Jasop_87:Yeah, that is not a good reason. Will that be his reason for doing other things down the road? I’m not sure how old you guys are, but that seems like a fairly immature reason to want to do something your significant other isn’t ok with.

And don’t let him put this on you about you not being there. He’s an adult, I’m assumming, that makes his own choices.

Post # 9
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

I was expecting to read about some illicit sexual fetish.  This is about pot?

It’s a plant.  It doesn’t have chemical additives they way cigarettes do.  One doesn’t get hooked after smoking it.

Is it possible that his party lifestyle included some heavier drugs and that’s what really concerns you?  If coke or pills were involved, I would totally understand your worries. 

 

Post # 10
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I personally don’t care if responsible adults want to partake in a little smoke or have a beer in the comfort of their own home. As long as the kids aren’t there and you aren’t out driving around and being stupid about it, go for it.

Some people have addictive personalities. Other people don’t, Some people can just decide “I think I’m done smoking cigarettes” and just kind of stop because they are done. For other people with a more addictive personality it can be really difficult to just “have a little” and then be done. My husband’s stepfather for example is 10 years sober and will not be around alcohol because it’s just not a good idea for him. He doesn’t even want to put himself in that situation again so he doesn’t. For him, that’s what he has to do because that is the choice he made to make his life better. If your fiance was an addict, then it probably isn’t going to be the best idea for him, but none of us here know that.

Ultimately your fiance is an adult and this has to be his decision.

Post # 11
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Personally I wouldn’t be OK with it…I have seen what it can do to people and I also don’t think it would be a one time thing. I do think it’s great that he is talking to you about it. Since you are LDR he could have just done it and you would never know…and I know a lot of men who would have done just that!

Post # 12
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I personally wouldn’t be ok with it. It sounds like he might want to revert to his old ways and I would be asking why?. There has to be a deeper reason than I am bored. If I am bored I go find something to do. I will volunteer at the homeless shelter, visit shut ins, volunteer in the church etc. These things fill me up. They energize me. They give me a new passion for life. It sounds like your Fiance has fallen into a rut and is looking for something to fill him up. Ask him if he just feels empty inside. If he has let his relationship with God fall away he might be feeling that void. Also if he has no close friends he might be feeling low and empty. People who aren’t actively working to build friendships after coming out of addiction often remember fondly the activities they used to do with friends. They aren’t missing the drug so much as the companionship. I would be asking questions girl. As his future help-mate it is your duty to help! You don’t have to be a nag but it can be a huge blessing to have someone ask you the right questions that make you face the deeper problem. At least that is true of me.

Post # 14
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wouldn’t be ok with it. A lot of people are saying “it’s just pot” but you grouped all those negative things in his life together so I totally understand you being nervous/uncomfortable and having fears he is going backwards again. You choose to marry a man who put all those childish ways behind him and I don’t think its fair that now he wants to start brining little things you thought were in the past back into the present. And what if he does do it “1 more time” and realizes how much he missed doing it and it becomes a common occurance again? He needs to just keep strong, have self control and look for more positive things in life to keep his mind off it. Hoping for the best outcome in all this, totally feel for you! 

Post # 15
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t be ok with someone with a history of substance abuse doing it “just one more time.” For those people it is a really slippery slope of “one more time” of pot to being out of control and moving on to other things.

I think I should say my point of view is a little extreme. I had a child with someone who started out smoking pot which progressed into using cocaine and ecstay on a daily baisis. We broke up and earlier this year (9 years after we broke up) he died of a cocaine overdose.

 

Post # 16
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think if it was just a one time thing it wouldn’t bother me so much. It’s the fact that he has a history of substance abuse that scares me. As pp said, it’s a slippery slope, and “one time” could turn into much more than that. I’ve experienced something a bit similar with an ex, but his drug of choice was cocaine. Before we got together, he was honest about his past with it (doing it every day, and eventually going to rehab and getting clean). While we were together, he started doing it every once in a while and hiding it from me. I found out a couple times, but to this day, I don’t know to what extent he was doing it. He always said that it was a one time thing, and it was the last time (but it never really was). I wanted my ex to go to counselling about his drug use but he refused. Maybe your Fiance could benefit from counselling to find out what is causing these urges and how he can cope in more appropriate ways?

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