Post # 1
He[35 M] and I[28 F] have been in LDR for five years. We are from the different countries and our native languages are different, so I need a permitted visa to live/work in his country.
He used to work as a labourer in construction and got back to college. He is living with his parents to cut down the house payment during college doing a part time job on weekends for food and allowance.
He has two more years to finish the course and I have been working since I graduated from university last year.
As you know, long distance is very frustrating especially when one is going through and the other can not be physically there.
So he wants to marry me soon to get me a partner visa to live with him legally. I want to finish long distance too. Sooo sick of five years long distance and we spend too much money on flights and hotels.
However, I am afraid of difficult financial situtaion as he is a student, nothing sure about his job after graduation and I have to find a job in his country with only one year work exprience. To make matters worse, I dont speak his language fluently.
Fortunately we are in no debts and we probably would buy a small one bedroom apartment studio in countryside with my savings and my parents help.
He has to spend his savings for a college.
But still our budget is very tight. After buying the apartment studio, we do not have savings to keep two of us going on for months until I get a job and wont be able to have a honeymoon and wedding, which I long to have.
What should we do at this point? are we being too unrealistic? How can we plan wisely to live together? or should we wait until he graduates and gets a job?
Thanks for reading bees
Post # 2
It sounds to me like the marriage would be in response to not being able to live in the same country. Which sounds a lot like couples who have babies to save their marriage…it never works. I personally wouldn’t get married to solve a problem. LDR or not. I’ve been LDR and yeah, it stinks, but I would never have married them to solve that issue. I wouldn’t move to another country without a decent job, and I also wouldn’t rely on my parents to be able to buy a studio apartment in said country.
Post # 3
No, I would not. LDR is difficult but I think rushing to marriage is worse.
Post # 5
You will eventually fight with the man you marry, and probably more than just once. You will go through rough patches.
Do you really want “We only ever got married for the visa, its not like he/she loved me enough to marry me otherwise.” to be something either one of you ever even thinks, or worse–says, during those times?
Post # 6
Thanks for all replies. First, of course we love each other so much. If we didn’t we wouldn’t handle 5 years of a ldr. We want to marry each other coz we just can’t handle missing each other. Just the only way to be close to each other is a marriage.
In my country it’s a traditional custom for parents to help their kids when they get married. Everyone does. Just for reference.
When would be the best timing to get married in our situation? After he gets a job offer? It’s not easy at all to wait without a certain end of the date.. 🙁
Anyway I have to admit that we possibly would in a financial trouble if we got married. That’s not obviously a right thing to do.. could you anyone give me more detailed advice, how to plan the future? Should I just wait for him to get financially stable?
Post # 7
I don’t think finances are that important, TBH. For richer or poorer, right?
Get a prenup, if one of you is carrying debt, to keep the debt from being shared in case of divorce (or being passed to the spouse in case of death).
Just don’t get married for convenience, is what I’m saying. Get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Post # 8
i think you need to be honest about what you’re comfortable with, in terms of your lifestyle. your main concern seems to be his financial situation, so: are you ok living in a tiny apartment, buying used furniture, not shopping for clothing, working together to pay off his student loans, not going on vacations for a while, etc.?
dh went back to school while we were together and we were also long distance for 2 years so he could live at home and get in state tuition. dh just got his 4-year degree this year. he is 32 and i am 29, so for quite a few years we lived a much lesser lifestyle than our friends and co-workers. they were going on massive international trips multiple times a year, eating out weekly, and shopping like crazy, while we were scrimping to save money and pay for his education. i don’t regret a minute of it!
yes, it was hard. it was admittedly harder than if i had married a guy who got his degree at 21 or 22 like i did, but i fell madly in love with my husband as a person, so it didn’t matter. i didn’t care that our path to living a normal middle-class life was a bit longer, because being with him was worth it. now our life is like a dream.
if you think you would struggle with living on less and being with a man who can’t immediately provide a comfortable living, then this path is NOT for you. just call it off. if you would rather be broke and with him than rich with someone else, then you can probably get married as soon as you want. just make sure marriage isn’t a solution to a problem, but something you actively want.
Post # 9
I think at the minute while you have a job and he doesn’t, the sensible thing isn’t to give up your job. You will be in quite a tough position to get a job with one years experience and not being fluent in the language. I know LDR suck but for the time being if you could continue to gain experience in your field while he finishes his studies. Then when he has finished studying he can look for a job and you have the means to support you both when you move over. I would be worried about how you would both be able to afford to live if you couldn’t find a job straight away. At least if he’s earning you have a small security net. You could also use this time to potentially save a small security net while you look for a job and understand the job market in the area you’re hoping to move to. How busy is it? How many jobs come up and what skills are they looking for. You could then put yourself through training to have those skills on your application if you needed them.
Post # 10
thx for sharing ur experience! Did you live or have u ever lived poor before marrying him? I have no idea how I will actually feel about living on less.
He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life wit. But only thing I am concerned about is finances as u pointed out. I never experienced poverty in my life. Multiple trips every year, a big house, eating out often, etc. That’s what I do..My bf is from a poor background so he said he doesn’t mind living poor to live together but he told me to deeply think about if I am OK with living on less until we settle down financially. He said a real life could be way hasher than my thoughts as I never lived poor.
I can’t imagine my life with out him and can’t imagine living on less either to be honest. The good thing is we don’t have student loans or any other debts and I’m truly happy with a tiny house. I believe a couple of years after his graduation and me getting a job we would have a comfortable living.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2017 - Florida
So you left out some information , perhaps on purpose. We don’t know what country you’re in and what country you would be moving to. So let’s address that first one, you said you don’t speak the language fluently, which means there’s a good chance you’ll have difficulty finding a job. I would start perfectly your language skills now. Secondly, why do you have to move where he is? Why can’t he move to your country after he finishes school? Truthfully, I think marrying someone just so you don’t have to be long distance anymore is a really bad idea, but I do wish you luck if that’s what’s you decide to do!
Post # 12
You are going to go through all sorts of relationship struggles and waiting isn’t right way to deal with your financial situation especially if you are thinking of marrying! You know action speaks louder than words (complaining).
Also, seems like you are trying to marry for wrong reasons.Can you see yourself with your SO and the life goals you want to accomplish together?
If you are really thinking about going to live in his coutry you need to start doing things to make it easier on you like practicing his language and looking for job opportunities.
Seems like your guy has worked really hard to improve his life and if I were you I’d find a way to suport him and not just wait for him to get to your level so your life luxuries dont have to change.
Post # 13
Have you two never lived together? I know lots of bees will disagree but personally I wouldn’t marry someone without cohabiting first. Also, if you haven’t really spent an extended amount of time with each other, what’s going to happen when that excitement has worn off? When you’ve spent months or years living with each other every day, picking up his socks, coming back to the same person every day after work…will you still feel like you do now?
Post # 14
I have lived in a different country before, and even when I spoke the langauge, it was a very lonely experience for the first months while I was establishing myself. You are hundreds to thousands of miles away from any back up. Yes, you would have a DH/SO, but it sounds like that would be all you have. You aren’t fluent in the language, so you aren’t going to be able to make a social circle beyond him quickly.
My cousin did move to a country for her DH where she was not familar with the language. Her DH worked as a translator for aid groups (which is how they met) This ment he was often on the road, leaving her with his family who did not speak her language. It was very lonely for her much longer than it was for me. She would never complain, but you can tell by some of her emails that she really just wanted someone she could talk to most days.
I would work on yourself first. If this is something you really want, start getting very fluent in the langauge. Look at applying for a work visa without getting married so you aren’t reliant on him. See if their are other ex-pats form your country of origin who you can talk about living there with. Get a huge pile of savings so you can live for several months if you can’t find work, or move back if things don’t go well.
Post # 15
Nope. I wouldn’t marry someone I couldn’t live with or spend any significant time together with first. Secondly, he doesn’t sound like he even has his own life together right now (nothing against him, its great he’s finishing school but the point remains) and adding another person is not going to help.