(Closed) Would you marry a guy who told you THIS:

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: If you were the girl, Would you marry a guy who told you this?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 182
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Poster

    View original reply
    suez:  (Reply # 177) brought up another issue, that I didn’t really touch on in my previous posts in this topic…

    There is that OTHER category of porn… Interactive porn.  Where the Watcher / User, gets to watch sexual activity (porn) in real time, and make comments & REQUESTS from the person on display… the interactive part.

    This type of porn in my mind, falls into a whole other category from static porn, because it crosses the line into the place where the User / Watcher is now having a one-on-one relationship with a person… a person in real time = a real person.

    And that for me at least, crosses the barriers and sits in the land of “emotional cheating / cheating”… because if he isn’t getting something from me in OUR RELATIONSHIP then he is getting it elsewhere.

    — — —

    I’d also like to comment on what 

    View original reply
    09bmlaw:  had to say with Reply # 180.

    Sexting and being in a relationship is ALWAYS Cheating in my mind.

    Sexting and age, there can also be a fine line on whether that is Illegal Porn or not.

    First, if a guy is 18 and the girl is 16… and they know / date each other.  (But then each jurisdiction… State / Province / Country has their own legalities when it comes to consensual sexual relationships).  If the ages of the participants were all within those parameters, and there was a “relationship”… not an element of bullying or exploitation… then that might squeak by for me (If he was 18 and she was 14… then NO) etc

    Second, if the guy is sexting now with someone he knows, be she a co-worker, friend, acquaintance, stripper, hooker, porn star… whatever… then NO that isn’t ok with me either.  Because like the first example I gave at the top of this post, that would be in my mind “emotional cheating / cheating”

    Hope this helps

     

    Post # 183
    Member
    323 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I said ‘yes’ with one caveat: if he is looking at illegal porn that involves underage or children, then I would run, and fast.

    Child or underage porn is something I would report a person to the police for, no matter how much I might have loved them before knowing about it. 

    Also, there are no grey areas when it comes to statutory rape. If a girl or guy is underage, then having them in porn is illegal and watching that porn knowing that they’re a child from a legal perspective is both illegal and immoral. 

    If what he is watching is legal and doesn’t involved children and/or animals then i wouldn’t break off an engagement over it. Men are visual creatures and most of them masturbate. making a big deal of it is just silly. 

    Post # 184
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee

    @poppygirl16:  

    wtf do you mean by illegal porn?  The only 2 that are popping into my head are child porn and bestiality.  I can’t even concentrate on your actual question after reading that.

     

    edit: ok I’ve read some follow up posts and sure enough it is child pornography he watched.  I don’t care how old the teenagers looked. I was a C cup when I was 12, does that mean it would be ok for men to take advantage of me?  No, regardless of the shape of their bodies, they are underage.  This type of porn is illegal for a very good reason.  It’s not something you just accidentally stumble across either.  He would have had to actively sought out these videos.  Major porn distributers do not fuck around with stuff like that, and real men don’t either.  It is unforgivable to me and I think your friend must have serious issues if she thinks its okay to remain in a relationship with such a despicable human being.

    Post # 185
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    Personally, I see all of this as a red flag. I would walk. I am very old fashioned though, and while I know all of us check out people of the opposite sex sometimes, porn is a no-no and I do not want either of us to fantasize about people outside of our relationship sexually. I think it is unhealthy, especially for a Christian couple.

    Post # 186
    Member
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @This Time Round:  You wrote a very lengthy response to my posts but apparently you failed to actually read said posts carefully. If you had, you might have seen that I never talked about child porn being okay. I think the parts you may have misunderstood/not read carefully where when I was talking about how normal it is for a man to be attracted to a woman. Please see my supporting photographs for examples.

    The only specific “porn” I really addressed was fashion magazine images…which very frequently feature underage models. Such images are not typically considered porn, but they are used for masturbation. Whether or not those fashion models (again, NOT children on the Internet) are being exploited is another conversation entirely. I expect most of these women do not feel exploited (and in fact the 2nd photo I posted features a woman who is now a supermodel and in her 20s, so obviously still in the industry), but I think an argument could be made that they are in fact being exploited.

    On another note, you also seem confused about the legal age requirements for consensual sex. In most states in the US, an adult man can have sex with a teenager once she reaches 16. 

    Thus, YOU may find the thought of an adult having sex with a 16-year-old gross (I certainly do, under certain circumstances), but the law disagrees with you about 16 year olds being “children”. As for the rest of your complaints, again, please read my posts carefully before claiming you want to “throw up”.

    Post # 187
    Member
    2690 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: County courthouse

    No i would not marry him. This is how it all starts…then before u know it he’s cheated on u with 5 different women. a man that used the widely accepted myth of a man not being able to help himself is lame and sooo 1950’s. women have strong libidos too…but we save it for our spouse . him saying that is admitting he’s not mature enough for a life long commitment such as marriage. im sorry…but u r setting yourself up to be cheated on if u marry thus guy. my husband has NEVER said anything like this to me…he says that im more then enough for his libido…and that hebwants me…if he didn’t then written wouldn’t be married. im really shocked to see how many women who polled yes…a woman should never be acceptable with this.

    Post # 188
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    You said,

    On another note, you also seem confused about the legal age requirements  for consensual sex. In most states in the US, an adult man can have sex with a  teenager once she reaches 16.

    In actuality…

    Most US States have some sort of the allowable gap of 3, 4, 5 year ruling…

    So yes it is possible that an Adult Man (as defined as some one over the age of 18) could have sex with a 16 year old… without it being a crime / statutory rape… BUT only if the maximum age gap is no more than the allowable number of years as set down by the State (AND as well, there is often a requirement clause, that ONLY if the elder isn’t in a position of authority in the minor’s life… and that can have a wide span… so for example, one’s Step-Father, Teacher would be out for sure… but so possibly could be a co-worker… and not just one’s Boss)

    At the age of 18, the once-minor is able to consent to whomever they choose.

    Sorry, but you are never going to convince me… that a girl of 16 has the mental where-withall to be in a relationship with a 25 year old, never mind a 35 year old or beyond…

    (Witness the posts here on WBee by the young women in their 20s who find themselves in abusive relationships with older men… happens WAAAY TOO FREQUENTLY.  There are most definitely grown men out there who prey upon younger women, because they are easier to manipulate… due to their inexperience / being naive… I won’t apologize for the time I’ve spent on this planet… and being an oldtimer who has seen a lot of life… there is most certainly a Modus Operandi for this with some men… and that is the part that makes me what to throw up… men who are exploiting / abusing women in whatever format it takes)

    Post # 189
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I didn’t want to read all the pages, but is “illegal” porn child pornography or something to do with animals?

    Anyways, if it was just regular porn then whatever. He’s human, just because he watches it doesn’t mean he’s going to go out and cheat haha. Wouldn’t you be happy that he’s being honest? I mean, if my guy said NO WAY I’ll NEVER watch porn, I’d call him a dirty liar.

    ..But if you meant he’s watching child pornography: I’d steal his laptop, turn it over to the police and leave him to the guys in jail who beat those people up! You want to marry someone with the intention of having a child and growing your future, and know he’s a creep. Please just report him if that is the case.

    Post # 190
    Member
    491 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    53% of voters skim read 😛 

    Post # 191
    Member
    491 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    @This Time Round:  “Sorry, but you are never going to convince me… that a girl of 16 has the mental where-withall to be in a relationship with a 25 year old, never mind a 35 year old or beyond…”

    I can attest to this. I was in a very sick “relationship” with a 34 year old when I was 15. He said it was okay here because the age of consent was 14. He took advantage of my naivity and vulnerability, it was obvious I wanted attention from anyone who would give me to me, and he did. 

    I absofuckinglutely did not have the mental capacity to understand what I was getting myself into, the risks I was taking having unprotected sex with him, etc. I was smart enough to know about STIs, to know about the risk of pregnancy. I was a SMART girl. But our brains haven’t formed enough at that age to really grasp the repercussions of our actions. It’s like we can’t see past our own noses. 

    I am SO SO SO lucky I did not catch anything. 

    The kicker? I 9 years later considered reporting him to his employer as he preys on girls at his place of business and when my friend told her dad when I was then 16, he also alerted them. I turned to a well respected forum for advice, and they all agreed I was just looking for revenge or some other such nonsense, and that at 15 I knew exactly what I was doing and “should just take responsibility for my actions.” Yeah. 

    Post # 192
    Member
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Normally that would not be a deal breaker, though I don’t believe men should watch porn after marriage (you’ve got a wife! Come on now, it’s a want, not a need, and guys should be able to control themselves in my opinion).  But since he has had issues with being addicted to it.  And do you mean child porn? Because if so that is a HUGE issue. If he is already saying, “Look, I will look at porn” I can almost guarantee that will at some point segue into kiddy porn again.

    I think a lot of guys with these issues think it will be really easily solved in marriage. They think because they love their fiance so much now that while maybe there will be tidbits of things here or there, it can’t get out of control. But tons of otherwise happily married men get addicted to porn, so obviously it doesn’t work that way. 

    I might go through with the marriage, but I’d basically let him know that if it started happening more than X amount, he would need to agree to take counsiling for it or something.

    Post # 193
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO

    View original reply
    @deucesarewild1:  great post.

    It takes a lot of courage to come forward, and tell our life stories… so I commend you on that.

    I am sorry, but anyone who says a teenager is complete an Adult on this issue is sooo wrong.  There is a reason we don’t try teenagers as adults… because they aren’t adults.  They may have adult bodies, but they certainly don’t have the FULL capcity of reasoning that an adult has (consequences particularly).  They may have an inkling of right from wrong, OR good versus bad choices, but it still hasn’t totally been completely formulated in their minds.

    Which is exactly WHY this age group is one of the most vunerable in our society… be it sexual exploitation, abuse, intimidation, whatever.

    Teenagers are easily manipulated.

    A 16 year old may have the body of the woman, but she is no match for a street smart, more worldly, more life experienced man be he 21, 31, 41 or 51.  Period.

     

    Post # 194
    Member
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @This Time Round:  

    Sorry, but you are never going to convince me… that a girl of 16 has the mental where-withall to be in a relationship with a 25 year old, never mind a 35 year old or beyond…

    Where on earth did you get the idea that I was trying to convince you of this? Please note that my previous posts were concerned with the normalcy of a man being attracted to a woman. I was not discussing relationships. I was not discussing a predatory old man pursuing a teenager. Specifically I was discussing the OP, and stating that the Fiance in question is not a pedophile!

    On the relationship topic, I agree with your opinion that a large age gap between partners (particularly a young woman and an older man), can result in negative outcomes. But I think your selection of 18 as the magic “ok” age is very random and illogical. And it is equally illogical to say a 16 year old is a “child” and therefore not a sexual person when they are in fact sexually developed. A 17 year old girl doesn’t magically become a sexual adult on her 18th birthday. I personally know a girl who met and started dating her husband when she was 16 and he was 24. They’ve been together for 17 happy years, married 5 years, and are now expecting their first child. My friend’s husband certainly is not perverse for having fallen in love with a minor.

    Making blanket statements about age wrt sexuality or maturity is ridiculous, IMO. But this is waaaaay off-topic now. Anyway thank you for clarifying your post somewhat. I don’t feel so needlessly attacked as I did by your first irate response.

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