(Closed) Would you marry someone who cheated on you?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
3898 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

I don’t think that I personally could get past infidelity. I really think it’s the lowest thing you can do to someone that you’ve committed to. Sure, the circumstances would make it different for everyone, but I know myself and I know that I’d never be able to let it go or fully trust after it, so I would not enter into a marriage with that baggage. 

Post # 32
Member
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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pinkshoes:  The distracted while driving analogy does not hold up. Cheating is a conscious decision…it’s not an accident, like a deer jumping in front of your car causing you to swerve and get in a wreck. Cheating is not something that happens TO you, it is something you actively choose to do.

No judgment that you cheated on your ex husband…I have made some pretty bad decisions in the past before too and would hate it if they defined me. But they were DECISIONS that I take responsibility for…not accidents.

I also think it’s different if you cheated on a previous partner than if you cheated on your current one. If I found out my Fiance had cheated on a previous partner, that would worry me. But I could probably get past it over time once he earned my trust. I don’t think i could get past it if he cheated on ME.

Post # 33
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

No way! They obviously lack committment before the wedding so why would they change after? Unfortunately your friends own decision so she must be ok with taking that risk. Just continue to be her friend because she is probably really going to need your support one day when he cheats again.

Post # 34
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I married someone who cheated on me. We went to counseling and spent some years rebuilding trust. It is understandable to say you would never forgive and end the relationship. I have a faith and a God that shows me mercy and grace and for that I am thankful. We chose to grow as a couple. I’m not ashamed nor do I feel stupid or foolish. I was strong, committed, and allowed forgiveness to heal my relationship. To each their own.  

Post # 35
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Hell no. Cheating is not okay, and I know zero friends who would be okay with that. I guess I can respect people’s decisions to stay but I will never understand or accept that personally. No amount of counseling, growth, etc. could mend that tear in a relationship. UNACCEPTABLE.

I do know of couples who have open relationships, which I don’t count as cheating because it’s a consensual decision that both parties are comfortable with. I could respect that more than a cheater because two people are happy and aware of the actions going on. 

I’ve come to notice that the women who are engaged/in long-term relationships/ married to men who have cheated on them often have to sell to their social media friends that their happy or a “power couple”. It’s actually quite interesting to see. 

Post # 36
Member
15002 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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tiffanybruiser:  My example was meant to be specific to someone doing something that caused the accdient, say, texting or making a phone call, or turning around to give their kid a toy that dropped. Obviously something like a deer running out into the road is out of anyones control.   I never claimed that my cheating on my ex-bf (not husband) was an *accident*.  I did say that I had my “reasons” bad as they may be, yes, it was my decision.  

I do totally agree that being cheated ON would be harder to get over than being with someone who cheated in the past thought.

Post # 37
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

To me, it’s never the best decision to marry someone who cheats.I cannot think of one positive to this or even one hypothetical situation thst justifies it.I also think we throw the word judgemental around.We all make judgements constantly  based on our assessment of what is in front of us.

On that note, I think it will always be the wrong decision to marry someone who was not faithful during the courtship and that one can always do better. That’s my ‘judgement’ bases on my experiences and my perception of reality.

Post # 38
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

‘based’

Post # 39
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

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carrolltobee:  Was it worth it?  How long did it take to truly forgive him, or is it still a work in process?

I would marry someone who cheated on me if we could work through the issues. 

I know some people who have made things work in similar situations. 

Post # 40
Member
12830 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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pinkshoes:  Your situation is a little different, IMO. You were dating, not engaged or married. While of course it’s not admirable, or mature to start a new relationshp before officially breaking off the old one, you were probably looking for a way out. Sooner or later the break up was going to happen. While not exactly honorable, it’s not the same thing as when someone cheats on a wife or a Fiance.  

I also know one or two couples who had a bumpy start in that when they got together some “old business” had not been, shall we say, totally resolved. Usually, the woman thought or assumed the relationship was exclusive.But once they became totally committed, that was it. 

The issue when that happens, IMO, is that people tend to commit to a relationship, usually because they start sleeping together, and think it’s expected, before they really know one another well enough or had any business making it exclusive. That was one thing our grandparents generation and older had over us. They were able to date multiple people for extended periods of time without feeling guilty.

Post # 41
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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somethingblueorgold:  I wonder this also. My dad cheated on my mother with a woman from work who was also married at the time. Now they’re married to each other! Kinda feels like they felt they had to get married to validate their selfish actions… 

I couldn’t marry someone knowing that they were happy to go behind my back and share their body with someone else. Trust is precious – and essential! 

Post # 42
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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waiting2bee:  it was absolutely worth it. 🙂 we have a daughter together and now one more on the way. There are never acceptable excuses for infidelity in a relationship but through therapy, in my situation, I was able to see the great deal of damage done by his past and although as a grown adult he should have handled himself different, emotional damage affects people different. No one person is perfect. I forgave him immediately as a conscious choice, otherwise I never would have. Trust? Now that is still a work in process. Would it be easier with someone else? Maybe? Maybe not. You never know what flaws people have sometimes. They only show you what they choose to in many cases. In this instance, the situation broke down uncomfortable barriers and uncovered deep emotional issues that my SO struggled with. It did not make it okay what he did to me. Sometimes people do need help making it through the hard times. It doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be walked all over, but there are situations where you can choose to stand by their side and choose to extend grace and heal together. We didn’t marry for 3 years. To this day it hurts to think back on, but we are so much stronger. The key truly was that he really wanted to work on himself. Not us, himself. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  carrolltobee.
Post # 43
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It depends on quite a bit. For example, if by “cheated” you meant slept with someone or had a long term physical or emotional affair, then no. I get jealous and I tend to dwell, so to carry on and attempt to recover from the infidelity would be to deny myself respect for myself, my standards and boundaries and my feelings. If, however, the cheating only consisted of flirtatious conversations, i might, but that would require that we reestablish previously overstepped boundaries. We would have to step back, give ourselves time to recover, and start from square one. I know I would still struggle with trusting him for a while, and would require that he only devote his attention to our relationship and remain completely transparent. He would need to prove himself to be worthy of my trust before I would commit to him. I’d also have to take into consideration how i found out. If he admitted his mistake, I’d feel less betrayed than if he made an effort to hide it or lied to me about it, and would find it far easier to recover. If he could lie to my face without guilt, especially over a long period of time, I’d be done. No sense in wasting your valuable time, energy and emotions on a cowardly sociopath. 

Post # 44
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I am marrying someone who cheated on me. I’m not ashamed, embarrassed or hiding it- it is what it is. We’ve been together for 6 years and the cheating happened in year 1. We now have a son together and have built a life. You can’t judge someone’s relationship based on one event and the circumstances surrounding it. People change and grow up. 

Post # 45
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I did marry someone who cheated on me when I was 21.  There were blazing red flags yet I went through with it.  Two years later it ended in divorce.

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