Post # 17
Absolutely, without a doubt, NO. I actually DID move across the country to become engaged and marry a guy with whom I had not previously lived in the same city after a year of LDR. I can say first hand that making an actual life with someone in a day to day, ups and downs, nothing off the table or allowed to remain hidden situation is VERY different than dating long distance. Even if you talk on the phone daily, talk online for hours, visit every month or so, have phone sex every night, whatever.
I’m sorry, it just simply cannot be compared to actually managing a household and executing a “life partnership” with another person. After my experience I would not even marry someone without living with them first, same city or not.
And this is NOT a bad guy I am talking about. There were no crazy skeletons or shocking secrets I discovered. In fact, he was one of the most generous, giving, caretaking men I have ever met and I have incredibly memories of travel, unique experiences, even a lovely pair of breast implants to show for it. 😉 He had a great family, thriving business, owned his own place in So-Cal by the age of 24…we were just simply NOT the right fit, and there is no way I could have known it long distance.
Before I moved to be withi him, we would literally talk online 8+ hours a day most days, for almost a year….I TRULY thought I knew him inside and out and believed beyond a shadow of a doubt we were a match and that he would be my husband in a happy marriage someday. But no — long distance only is just not real life….until it is.
I hope your friend plans on living in the same city, prefereably under the same roof for at least a year before legally binding herself to this guy.
Post # 18
I think an important difference in your story, though, is that you could easily check each other’s background through the church community. I had a similar thing: we got engaged after 9 months (and some of that was long distance), but I’d known him for 2 years at my church before that, and I knew church people who’d known him much longer. I’m not talking doing an investigation, I mean just casual talking to friends gives an idea what the person’s like.
Without that longer term knowledge of him there is no way I would have been comfortable getting engaged so soon, and I’m guessing you had a similar thing. This is different to a person whose background you cannot easily confirm.
Post # 19
NOOOOOOPE. I don’t even think 2 months of living together is enough time to give you the real picture of what the marriage will be like. But, I’m the type of person who wants to know exactly what I’m getting into, and be really-really sure because I plan to work to make it last forever– but I don’t want it to be an extraordinary amount of work. Basically I want to look before I leap, and that’s probably why I’m getting married in my 30’s.
Post # 20
This is mostly my Fiance sister’s situation. After being together for three years, with one year of marriage being long distance, and the rest of the time living apart or with relatives, they are finally living together. They are both living a lie. That man she married is the opposite of what they both say that he is. She used to make all these phony FB comments about her “happy” relationship, all while not mentioning that they were not in the same damn place. Now that they are alone, and he probably cannot keep up the Mr. Perfect act, she has zero to say.
He is an opportunist that married her to come to the US. She is an insecure, weak, and pathetic person who wants to say words like “married” and “husband” in an effort to feel whole and superior to other women. He quit working for a couple years while he was overseas, so that he would be “safe” and not get into a “boating accident”, riiight… He still has no job and lives off of her, without having to tidy up the house like a good house husband should… This ignoramus gave up her children, house, family members, etc. for him (she was cheating on her now ex-husband with this fool, who pounced on her during a dfficult time in her previous marriage). Everything he says is a lie! I remember her asking him where he disappeared to for 3 hours when they were on Skype. Uh, messing around with hoes, no doubt!
It is a terrible idea in many situations because you may not get to know the other person AT ALL, just who they want you to see. I wouldn’t even recommend getting married to someone that you date for a short period of time, face-to-face…
Post # 21
Not no, but HELL no. Maybe if I was really old and my options were drying up, but as of now, no way.
Post # 22
Nope nope nope nope nope. There’s way too much to know/learn about someone that comes from direct social interaction, seeing them at least several times a week if not every day, etc, etc.
Post # 23
This is very true, and thank you so much for noting this.
Not only did I rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit, Godly wisdom and discernment, and the input of my pastors and my friends and family who had met my DH, but also I did some of my own investigative work very early on in the process of getting to know my DH. In addition, I paid very close attention to how he interacted with his two adult children and his two younger children as well as his parents and the members of his congregation and the community.
Also, after having had some other men on eHarmony lie and deceive me regarding their marital status and living situations, by the time I was matched with my DH, I had become very proficient at being an investigative reporter regarding my matches. I definitely “kicked the tires,” pretty strongly, so to speak. I did not make it at all easy for my matches to get through my filters.
Finally, my DH and I did not even agree to meet in person until we had specific discussions about what a potential relationship between us would — and would not entail. We both viewed marriage as the goal of any serious dating relationship that either of us decided to pursue. We both were committed to honoring God and to not having sexual contact with each other unless or until we were married. We also both knew that I had to be the one willing to relocate and basically leave my entire world for his, because he could not move due to the shared custody arrangement he has involving his two younger children.
Post # 24
@bmo88: no, completely–no.
Post # 25
Yes, and on Saturday I actually am marrying someone whom I have only been long distance with.
I am American, and my Fiance is English. I met my Fiance online in 2010. We became the best of friends and spoke for hours a day. A year later he flew here and met me. We’ve flown back and forth to see each other ever since.
We don’t have the luxury of living together or even living near each other before marriage. It’s absolutely impossible because of immigration. The only way we can do it is through marriage.
Now, with that said, we’ve had several visits. One in 2011, three in 2012, two in 2013, and now one in 2014. The longest of which was two full months, so that gave us a better idea of day-to-day life. We agreed long ago that we needed a more substantial time than a mere couple weeks before deciding on marriage.
I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if we hadn’t had a number of visits, nor would I if we hadn’t had that longer term visit.
It was also important to me that I meet the people in his life. I’ve spent holidays with his family, and absolutely fell in love with them. I’ve spent time with his best friend and people from work. They confirmed for me that he picks good company, and that was important.
Post # 26
Look at immigration. The US will not let people in legally very easily. Unless he was a highly skilled worker in a specialized area, he wouldn’t be allowed in on anything more than a tourist visa, which doesn’t last long, and he obviously cannot work.
Post # 27
No way. My friend married a guy she did LD with after meeting on the internet. He seemed charming, nice, normal etc via LD. He started abusing her immediately after the wedding and she had to flee from him a year later.
Post # 28
@bmo88: This month my fiancé and I will celebrate our 3 year anniversary. Been long distance since day 1. However, we have seen each other a gazillion times, extended period of times, not just a day or two here and there. I just got back from visiting him for ten days over New Years. We’ve taken trips together, spent holidays together, have hung out together in social as well as work settings, visited each others parent’s home more than once for a weekend together, and schedule visits to see each other every couple months (or month). Not to mention we Skype for hours on end over the weekend, along with texting daily and phone calls here and there.
To marry someone that I have met in person a handful of times is not something I could do. I’d just be too worried. Physical contact and spending time with someone face to face is very important to me and that is what really allows me to get to know another person better. It’s just not something I could do. In fact, my relationship with my fiancé grew stronger and stronger with every visit that we did. We’d bond and get to know one another really well over Skype (I’m talking 10pm-5am Skype sessions) while falling asleep together with our laptops open on the bed beside each of us, but it was seeing each other every month or two that kept binding us closer and closer. You know you love that person and they’re the one when you’re standing in the airport at the end of every visit together balling your eyes out like a little girl because you hate having to leave this person because you love them so much, feel so happy and content when you’re with them, having to say goodbye burns through your heart, and can’t picture your life away from them. And every goodbye just kept getting harder and harder. I can’t wait till we close the distance and we get to see each other every day.
ETA: I will say that I do not think that a person needs to live with someone else for a year or however long to really get an understanding of who they are as a person. And I am one who would not move in with a guy until marriage, for whatever that’s worth.
Post # 29
that made me LOL 🙂
No I definitely wouldn’t…
Post # 30
A B-2 tourist visa lasts 6 months. I’d sure feel better about marrying someone after a six month stay than after spending a mere three weeks together. His not being able to work would be a small price to pay for more certainty going into a marriage. As OP says, whatever works for them……
Post # 31
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
Nope, I need to live with someone first. I have a friend who married a Ghanaian, but she spent three months a year in Ghana then came home in between. They got married as soon as his visa came through, but they’d been dating for a long time and lived in the same house when they were in Ghana at the same time, so no one lifted an eyebrow.