Post # 1
I graduated with my Masters this past May, and after 6 months of looking for jobs, I still don’t have a full-time job (I work a part-time job to pay bills). Part of the problem is that I don’t want to move, because my Fiance just got a full-time job with health insurance (which he needs because he’s a Type 1 diabetic), and I don’t want to move away from him. This limits my job search, and is making it take much longer to find a job.
People are CONSTANTLY giving me unwanted life advice related to this, and constatly telling me (scolding me) that if I “really wanted a job”, I would move for one. One person has even implied that if my Fiance was really committed to me, he would be willing to quit his job and move with me to get a job. I think that’s kind of crazy to expect him to quit his job and move for me—he wouldn’t expect me to do the opposite!
They make it sound like anyone in my situation wouldn’t hesitate to move away from their SO/FI/DH to get a job, but it’s not something I want to do—am I crazy???
I understand that it makes it much harder to find a job, and I’ve accepted that, why can’t others?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
@gromble: This is a very personal choice. I think if your Fiance is comfortable with the situation and you are comfortable waiting on employment that’s in your area it’s really no one else’s business. People will always have an opinion one way or another. If you were going to move away for a job im sure someone would say “wow, you’re going to move away from your Fiance for a job?!”. You can’t please em all!
Post # 4
I could never move away from DH for more than a couple of months. We’re coming up on the end of his semester abroad now and neither of us has any desire to do the long distance thing ever again.
If we weren’t married, it might be a different story, but now where one of us is, both of us will be.
That being said, unless you plan on being a housewife and his job would be able to support that, you both need to be working. And that may mean moving to an area where you can both have a job. I understand not wanting to ask him to move, but at some point that may be a discussion that the two of you need to have.
Post # 5
@gromble: I don’t think you’re crazy.. I would never be able to move away from my Fiance without hesitation. If you’re set on working in your field, I would certainly have your Fiance start looking for a job (with benefits) in an area where your options would be more plentiful.
Post # 6
I think it makes the most sense for the two of you to live in a city where you can both find work. If that isn’t where you currently live, then you should move.
Post # 7
Before we were married, we lived and worked in separate areas for a while. Now that we’re married though, if one of us goes, we both go. If my husband needs to look elsewhere for a job, then I’ll start job searching in that area too. I have a bit more versatility in my job than my husband does in his, so it’s not like I’d move and stay home. I’d definitely look for work there too. For us, now that we’re married, decisions like this are more about what’s best for us as a family unit than what’s best for one of us individually. But there’s not right and wrong here…it’s whatever is best for each couple/family.
Post # 8
No, you are definitely not crazy. I know that some people can do it and make it work but it’s definitely not for everyone. I personally could not do it. I don’t even want to have a job that requires a lot of travel and I don’t want DH to have one either. I would get w your Fiance and discuss all the possible options and go from there.
Post # 9
Well first of all, in my experience people will always try to give unwanted advice about YOUR situation and YOUR relationship. The sooner you can brush it off and focus on what you and your SO want, the better. Don’t feel like you need to be moving because of someone’s unasked-for opinion.
That being said, this is tricky. I agree with PPs, if your career is important to you then maybe it’s time to discuss moving to a location that has great job options for both of you. The last thing you want is to end up in a situation where one person is sacrificing their career for the other and resentment builds (a la “5 Year Engagement” – you’ll know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen the movie. If you haven’t, don’t because it’s depressing as hell). Good luck OP!
Post # 10
My father lives in DC for the week and commutes home on the weekends. It’s not ideal, but it pushes retirement up significantly for my parents.
Doubt he would have done it when we were kids, but that’s a different story.
It happens and you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do!
ETA: I’m sure a lot of people had opinions about this when my parents made this choice but they don’t pay the bills!
Post # 11
@gromble: If asking me, personally, what I would do I would not move away unless we were just dating/engaged and that’s ONLY if it was for a set period of time and absolutely necessary. Again, each relationship is different and what seems like chaos to one couple could be the norm to another.
My dad and his wife actually just did this. He got laid off from his job and because it’s a pretty specified career, there were no other places to go in state. So he moved 2k miles away back to his home state. They’ve been living apart now for like 5 months and my dad just recently told me they are not going to be spending the holidays together and a divorce is on the way.
Btw, NOT trying to scare you with that lol. That is one case, and many other factors came into play. Again, what works for some might not for others. I was just sharing a relevant anecdote.
Post # 12
@gromble: I wouldn’t move away from my husband for more than a few months now that we have a child on the way, but anyone else yes I would. The job market is rough and sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I think it would be wise for you to take the job and move, but still look for work in your FI’s area. Also, at the same time, your Fiance can be looking for work in your area. My husband has been through long-term bouts of unemployment and it is not fun. It’s always easier to find a job when you have a job! Also, the longer you’re unemployed, the harder it is to find employment.
If you don’t have small children, then this is the time to do things like this. Sacrifice now so you can be more comfortable down the line.
Post # 13
I personally wouldn’t do it… the only circumstances where I think it would be somewhat acceptable is if you’re making so much money that paying for a second place to live is negligable.. which isn’t a position that most people would find themselves in.
My Fiance may end up taking a job in the future where he has to travel a lot and I won’t see him as much, but we’d still be living together… and whatever company he works for would pay for him to stay in hotels… but that’s different.
Post # 14
Ooooh goodness, I have a fairly similar situation. SO and I have been long distance for my entire relationship (almost a year). I studied marine biology at the coast and he’s land-locked as a state park ranger. Dad approves of him completkey, but he keeps bringing up that since I’ve moved back to be closer to hia that he should be willing to do the same for me. Being willing to move is much different than being able to move. I’ve changed my career path to self-employment so I can eventually move to be closer to SO, and it turns out I’ll be much happier being a self-employed writer and still writing about my passions than following the “expected” path of a strict biologist.
What settled the debate for me is this: realizing that even if I had my “dream job” on the coast, I would never be completely happy because I wouldn’t be close to SO. And while people make well-meaning comments all the time, at the end of the day it’s your life, and a job is meaningless if you’re miserable without the person you love most. It will likely involve compromise, but if your other is worth it, you’ll both find a way to make it work. Hugs to you!
Post # 15
No. Some things are more important than money.
Post # 16
My advice is to live somewhere where BOTH of you can find work relatively easily. Then there’s no need for a LDR, and you’re employed.