(Closed) Not sure what to do ladies. Please help…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Why are you thinking about moving in with him (whether you have a child or not) if you think he might end things or if you aren’t sure where the relationship stands?

Is there an option for you to get your own place in the town he lives in? Why are the only options stay in an LDR or move in with him? Why not just move closer, but live separately?

Post # 4
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I can’t tell you what is best for your situation, but I moved in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have a toddler. I was worried about the whole get comfortable, possibly break up thing, etc, but it has worked out perfect. My Fiance really stepped up and helped out, and it was the best decision I have made. He proposed too after about 5 or so months of living together.

Post # 5
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You could also talk to your daughter about it. She is old enough to know and understand, so maybe ask her how she feels and what she would want.

Post # 6
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with Jacqui – why are those the only two options? My vote is to move closer to him for now.

Post # 7
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

I think you need to focus on yourself and building your self esteem and sense of self worth so that you don’t feel the need to be reassured by 6+ calls a day from your boyfriend.  Make plans with some girlfriends to fill your evenings, devote yourself to learning some new things like cooking or photography, make it a project to read one new fiction book a week, discover a new hobby with your daughter, get a set of weights and set up a strength training program that you can do at home, borrow a fitness DVD from a friend or the library, etc.  From your post, it sounds like you’re sitting around just letting your imagination run wild.  If you’ve told him that you won’t move in until he proposes, and he hasn’t done it yet, what makes you think that moving in with him will speed him up?  If you thought it would negatively impact your daughter then, don’t compromise your beliefs just because you feel it will bring more security into the relationship.  I wish you all the best in working through this– good luck!

Post # 8
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with 2Peas.  If it is possible, maybe you could move to the area in your own place if you know that you can get a job there.  You hopefully like the area since he lives there already.

Also I agree with jhphi that you should try to find other things to keep yourself busy.  It does sound like you just sit around waiting for him to call.  If you had things to do on your own, it would be easier to not sit there going crazy when he doesn’t call you.

Post # 9
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the PP’s.

Also, you said your daughter is 12. I’m sure she’s old enough if you want to talk to her about how she would feel living with him or moving close to him?

Post # 11
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I know this is going to sound really harsh, but I have to say it. Telling your 12 year old child that even marriage doesn’t guarantee the relationship will last is terrible. How will she ever feel secure?

I think you need to listen to your daughter. At this point, based only on what you’ve posted, I don’t think you should move in with him until you are married. I don’t think you should take her out of school and move. Children need stability, and she seems to be telling you just that.

Did you say how far apart you live from your boyfriend? How long does it take to drive the distance?

Post # 12
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with PPs.  I think you are expecting a lot from Boyfriend or Best Friend in terms of phone calls and attention.  Fiance and I both work full time and we’re in grad school.  Often during the week, we might exchange a couple emails, and then see each other at 9:30pm when we get out of school.  We don’t even usually talk on the phone during the day because we both have busy jobs.

I don’t know where you live, but is the weather decent enough that you can run outside?  It’s a great workout and doesn’t cost the $$ that a gym does.

I’m also interested to see how far away you guys live from each other.

Post # 14
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m 2 hours away from my bf so I can empathize. From what I interpret this as is he’s trying to get this house nice for you guys. If your guy is anything like mine multi-tasking is off the menu. So doing up a house AND proposing may not be happening simultaneously. Also with regards to house stuff – not necessarily cheap and very labour intensive! even painting a room all day can wipe you out and he’s working full time too.

It’s lovely that you usually hear so much from him. I have weeks where I hear from the mister at every opportunity that he could possibly call, and I have days like today where I haven’t spoken to him properly since he sheepishly called at 11.35pm last night because his over-excited mother (who has been on holiday) wouldn’t pause for breath when he came back from visiting me at the weekend.

I’m kind of saying give him a bit of a break. For both your sakes. If you’re always saying “marry me…ring shopping…come on” etc and then in the next breath saying “but I want to be with you NOW” in boys heads the simple solution is essentially “suck it up and live with me and you’ll get you’re ring – be patient”. Not the desired response I agree. I know where you’re coming from, you’re trying to tell him not so many words “if you just propose already everything will be simple and we can live together”. He may be talking to you less because he knows he’s tired, might have a shorter fuse and doesn’t want to snap at you if he knows what the conversation will be. You’ve said yourself it’s much nicer when you remember to keep quiet about engagement talk.

I understand that you want stability for your daughter, and for yourself, stressing like this is doing no one any favours. You need to think very carefully about what is important to you about this relationship and talk honestly with your man. I get the feeling though that from what you’ve said your relationship isn’t in jeopardy.

Post # 15
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I understand feeling insecure because your ExH cheated, but it’s not fair to your current Boyfriend or Best Friend to effectively hold him accountable for someone else’s sins.  If you trust your current Boyfriend or Best Friend, then I’d say perhaps the time you spend apart right now might be best put to use cultivating some outside interests and developing self-esteem that’s not dependent on romantic attachments.

Post # 16
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Im going to be really honest, but I dont want you to be offended. I dont want to be mean, but I think you should consider a few things… Based only on your posts (you know your Boyfriend or Best Friend and your relationship better than me obviously), I think he is probably backing off.

1. he works all day and is working on his new home. he’s probably exhausted at the end of the day.  I would be mentally exhausted if I had to call my SO 5-6 times a day and ‘check in’.  it would make me resentful and not want to call at all

2. when you guys do talk/see each other, i get the impression that you bombard him with wedding and engagement talk.  that would freak.me.out.  rather than look forward to our lives together, i would think of how it would feel to be nagged at all day rather than just when we talked on the phone

3. you mention you are having some financial stresses.  rather than focusing on getting a second job or cutting back on your expenses, youre focusing on moving and getting engaged.  if he proposed tomorrow and you decided to move next week, where would you work?  who would pay you and your daughters expenses.  i would be worried about the added burden of you and your daughter moving in.

4. you mention that your daughter is uncomfortable with your desire to move. have you mentioned this to BF? i would be concerned that you were putting this relationship before the needs of your child, which would make me think of our kids together, which would worry me more.

5. as some PP stated, it sounds like you have lots of free time, which is why you kind of spazz when he doesnt call you or takes a long time to call you back.  if i was your SO, i would be worried that you would need my full time attention if you moved closer.  you wont know anyone in the new town, so i would feel obligated to spend all my free time together.  i would feel guilty any time i wanted to go out without you.

honestly, i think you should really focus more on buzzingbee.  maybe if you cultivated some outside interests or maybe volunteered at your daughters school, you wouldnt be so focussed on this relationship.  because my instincts tell me that you are pushing him away and scaring him off.

i hope it all works out.  good luck!!

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