Would you plan to have a baby outside of marriage?

posted 9 months ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Would you plan to have kids outside of marriage?
    Yes : (37 votes)
    18 %
    No : (170 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    9620 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    It’s not for me. I don’t want to have kids with someone who isn’t willing to make the much less permanent commitment of marriage.

    Post # 3
    Member
    3421 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    I don’t see anything wrong with it, but it’s not for me. One of the main reasons Darling Husband and I got married was because we wanted to have kids, and marriage was the step I needed before that. He would have happily had kids at anytime in the relationship.

    Obviously kids after marriage doesn’t ensure any particular outcome as far as the relationship goes, but I feel more secure having children within a marriage than outside of one. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    5010 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I wouldn’t either. Darling Husband and I were kind of NTNP for the 2-3 months leading up to our wedding, but we had a wedding date that was rapidly approaching and, if I’d gotten pregnant, the baby would’ve been born after we were married. I wouldn’t actively TTC with someone I wasn’t married to or very much about to be. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    3076 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2006

    Traditional here too. I wouldn’t plan a baby unless I was married. I have a stepson that was born out of some not so great circumstances, and it’s quite difficult to explain to our daughter that daddy was never married before but she has a step brother and that she should wait until marriage to have sex. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    6540 posts
    Bee Keeper

    It’s definitely become very common but I’m not sure it’s the norm–more than half the births in the US still happen within marriage. 

    If I had hit 40 and just wanted to have a child I may have done so on my own. But I would not have planned to have my children outside of marriage. Children can be an even greater commitment than marriage yet I’ve known people who were comfortable having children with someone they weren’t sure they wanted to marry. To each his/her own. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    878 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    Are you talking about Kayla Itsines? I love her and am so happy for them!

    But to your question, I wouldn’t plan a baby outside of marriage. Personally, I feel there’s a bit more security to waiting until marriage, mostly a lot of legal issues that could arise if you weren’t married. To each their own, but I wouldn’t purposefully plan to have a kid if I wasn’t married.

    Post # 8
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    Our first wasn’t planned. Second was. We’ve been together 11 1/2 years and we’ll be married on our 12 year anniversary but didn’t have an official date set before the birth of either children. We always knew we wanted to get married, but life’s obstacles made it seemingly unrealistic over the years. Not making excuses, we could’ve done a courthouse wedding just so it was official and we did think of that over the years but it just was on the back burner. Beacase…life. Multiple sudden family deaths, going back to college full time as an adult, career changes…etc. This past year the timing just felt right. We’re both excited and it’s neat to also incorporate our kids into our wedding. I always thought I would never have kids before marriage, and then life happened. We’ve had ups and downs in the almost 12 years, but I think it’s pretty special to be able to look at one another after all the mud we’ve trucked through and still be able to say we’re choosing to get married. As for the second child who was indeed planned before marriage? We knew we’d get married someday and the timing with school and work was right to have another child. So we chose that first before wedding planning. Had absolutely nothing to do with our commitment level. I do however respect and love the traditional way of doing things, and feel that the “proper” and biblical order of events is in fact the best way to do things. Just simply because when done in that order, I feel that it typically sets a stronger foundation for the family. Not judging, obviously I’ve done it all backwards! But ya live and ya learn. I recognize these things now after the fact of doing it backwards. Again, opinion, not judgement. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    233 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I can see it from both sides since my parents didn’t get married until I was 8. For my parents, life got hectic with two kids and they kind of didn’t really care what a piece of paper said. The only reason my parents actually got married at the courthouse after being together for 13 years was because of health insurance benefits lol.

    My fiancé and I are going to be waiting a few years after marriage to start trying for a baby in order to have a decent savings aside and to enjoy traveling. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    4712 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I’m in the minority here and say sure, why not to having children outside the ”traditional” marriage beforehand. I view having a child together as a bigger committment than marriage vows nowadays. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    882 posts
    Busy bee

    It’s definitely not the norm in my circle! It shouldn’t be the norm, either. The stats are very clear that in the US, kids raised in a home with two married parents have better outcomes than kids with single or cohabitating parents. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    6393 posts
    Bee Keeper

    3 of my close friends have done this. 

    2 were with their partners for 8+ years. Had 2 kids each, then got married later (one courthouse, one traditional).

    1 had also been with her bf for 6 years, turned 30 and decided they wanted a baby. Don’t plan on getting married. 

    It worked for them. They prioritized children over the wedding/marriage and so far it’s worked.

    Post # 15
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I get having a child unplanned and not getting married just because of that. To be honest, I really don’t get purposefully planning to have a baby outside of marriage (when you do believe in marriage and plan to get married eventually) because why not just go to the courthouse and get married for the security of it? You can still have a vow renewal later to do a more special party if that’s important to you. 

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