Would you plan to have a baby outside of marriage?

posted 10 months ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Would you plan to have kids outside of marriage?
    Yes : (37 votes)
    18 %
    No : (170 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 106
    Member
    661 posts
    Busy bee

    Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being 100% committed to a relationship and not getting married. Marriage is not a goal for a lot of people, myself included. My relationship is no less committed than anyone else’s. We have been together longer and have a more stable home (1 child) than a lot of the married people we know. 

     

    anonymousbee001 :  

    Post # 107
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    I have two children with my partner and we aren’t married or engaged. But the first child was an oopsie haha. And then I wanted to have the second closer together. Even though I would like to get married, having the two kids close in age was more important to me. And now selling our house and moving and buying a better house is more important than a wedding. I do completely understand people not wanting to have kids without marriage though. However, as I see it, if you need to use having kids as a bargaining chip to get your boyfriend to marry you then the marriage isn’t worth the paper its written on. That’s just my opinion. I want to be proposed to becauee I’m the love of his life not just because he wanted to have children you know? Everyone is different. But I definitely value marriage and I’d like to be married before my children go to school so I have their name. 

    Post # 108
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    The comments about judging if they see pregnant women getting engaged are ridiculous. If your husband proposed to you PURELY for the fact you told him you wouldn’t have kids out of wedlock, then it’s pretty much just the same as your husband proposing to you just because you were pregnant lol. So pretty interesting to judge for that lol. 

    Post # 109
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    Also (sorry for so many comments haha). I think only one person I know actually waited for marriage before having children lol most of my friends have kids, none are married. So I guess that makes it easier, knowing it’s actually more normal to just have children and nobody around you is judging. Lol. Only one friend is no longer with the father of their child so it’s not as if not being married has made us all single mums. 

    Post # 110
    Member
    795 posts
    Busy bee

    daisy123 :  So then why not marry? Is the reason entirely financial? Are there legal restrictions? 

    Post # 111
    Member
    2824 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    I think everybody agrees here that If *both* partners are truely ok with being parents without marriage then that’s their prerogative of course.

    However too often a partner (usually the woman it seems?) *wants* marriage yet *settles* for baby mama/baby daddy status if/when the other is unwilling to marry them….. I agree with a pp, that those relationships likely have issues etc causing the refusal.. so probably not the best one to deliberately bring a kid into. 

     Based on the responses to this poll,  it appears the vast majority who responded are *not* willing to voluntarily commit to planning a child without the commitment of marriage first…

    Post # 113
    Member
    661 posts
    Busy bee

    Honestly, because we don’t feel like it. We are secure and comfortable with our lives the way they are. Full disclosure – we are engaged, (since the spring of 2017), but we have no idea what kind of wedding we want other than it will be an elopement. Since there’s no rush, we just plain do not feel like doing it. We might not ever do it. We don’t subscribe to the idea that we have to be married to prove our commitment to each other. There is absolutely nothing that marriage will do for us that we haven’t already done for ourselves. 

    anonymousbee001 :  

    Post # 114
    Member
    8317 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    sunburn :  

     Not really germane to the point of the post  I guess, but this ” It seems clear that they (gays) didn’t feel as committed just living together as they would if they married ”   is not necessarily  true at all. It is surely the social recognition and public demonstration  and equal human rights aspects of marriage that matter,  rather than the ceremony somehow merely cementing/improving their feelings  of committment. 

    Post # 115
    Member
    1276 posts
    Bumble bee

    “Yes – but that is also true for skinny dipping in subzero weather – entirely one’s perogative – but possibly inadvisable”

    “You’re equating doing something deadly to having a baby while not married?? “

    Actually, ice swimming is good for you (assuming you’re helathy). A lot of people do it daily before work. So not deadly or inadvisable thus not a great comparison. The hormones from the stress between temperature changes makes you more awake. It improves our circulation and slows down aging of the cells. Therefore in long term the elasticity of the skin improves and it lowers blood pressure. So nexttime you’re somewhere where they have enough ice to make a hole in the sea or lake, I’d reccomend. Sorry, off topic but couldn’t resist.

    Post # 116
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    It was important to us to wait until we were married to have kids. The reason why is varied. 

    My husband is a child of divorce, my childhood was rocky and my mother died young. We both grew up wanting a romanticized version of the 1950s, or what it was portrayed to be in films/tv/music. So we followed that formula and got married and had a baby. 

    In my early twenties I would not have had a child outside of marriage. Moving forward, if something happened to my husband or we divorced I would be open to having a child outside of marriage if I could have sole custody. Basically, I want more children but don’t really need a man other than to create them if it come down to it. 

    But marriage has become less important to me the older I’ve gotten. 

    Post # 117
    Member
    795 posts
    Busy bee

    rez123 :  haha – I know – which is why I added the “possibly” and didn’t clarify the scale when using “subzero”. My point was that the person’s response was unhelpful and unrelated.

    Post # 118
    Member
    795 posts
    Busy bee

     blackinthesuburbs :  Could you clarify what you mean with respect to taxes? Are you referring to a result of the current system which punishes similar earners with very high income or very low income? Shouldn’t finances and student loans which preclude marriage also preclude planning a child? Why would one hate the legal concept of marriage? And how does one identify between those that truly, and perhaps spuriously, abhor the legal concept of marriage and those that are, in actuality, not committed.

    Post # 119
    Member
    795 posts
    Busy bee

    beejaymes :  Why didn’t you give your children your name? Are you worried that the fact you already have children together will influence your boyfriend’s decision to propose? Additionally, given that getting married only requires an hour and a relatively small fee, I fail to understand why moving and buying a house is delaying marriage. I know many couples who have legally married first and later planned a reception. Finally, I think your argument equating requiring marriage before children and because of pregnancy is flawed. For one, if you assume the pregnancy is carried to term, then the child will already exist in the latter case but not in the former.

    Post # 120
    Member
    806 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

    A big fat NOPE for me. 

    Why would I want to create a lifetime committment with someone who didn’t feel the need to create a lifetime committment to me? 

     

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